【战锤40k同人作品翻译】 Ennui 第二十六章：重生 Reborn
本章概述：
战斗修女看见了光。
In which a Sister of Battle sees light.
正文：
我看不见了。
好吧，并不完全是，不过从各方面来说，我都算瞎了。我的眼睛不再履行职责。整个世界都被黑暗所笼罩，被地球之主以伊莎莱的灵魂为交换赐予我的幻象所遮蔽了。
一个我情愿做成千上万次的交换。
不过伊莎莱对此不是很满意。
“亚历莎，为什么？！”伊莎莱的嗓音中破碎的悲伤牵拉着我的心，但即便我靠在她身上也仍坚定地站着。
“神皇对我说，为了拯救你的灵魂，我必须目睹不可忽视之事，”我一边轻声解释，一边抱紧了我的爱人。“我知道自己放弃了什么，‘莱，我知道如果我被给予了目所能及之外的视野，我就再也看不到我的世界了。”
“可是——！”
“我无论何时都会用我的双眼来换取你的灵魂，伊莎莱，”我严肃地说，打断了她的进一步抗议。“你不是也会为了我做出同样的牺牲吗？”
我听见她吞咽的声音，然后是叹气声。“是的……我当然会……我愿意付出一切来保护你，亚历莎。”
“那么就不要因为我做了同样的事而苛责我吧，”我更加温柔地回答道。“除此之外，我的失明也并不彻底。”
“你这是什么意思？”伊莎莱的声音中充满希望，她轻轻把我搂在怀里，领着我回到了居所内。不过几次磕绊促使她干脆把我抱了起来。
我在她把我像新娘一样举起来抱紧时用双臂环着她的脖颈和肩膀，把脸埋在她的脖颈间，在回答前深吸了一口气。
“我能……察觉到，”我轻声说。“准确地讲这并不算看得见。我能看见你的灵魂，就像黑暗中的篝火，而它的光芒照到了这个世界上，把其他所有东西都抛在了阴影里。”
“灵能感知？”伊莎莱低语道。“这么说，你能看见被灵魂之火的光芒照亮的那部分世界？”
“我觉得是的，”我对这个想法打了个颤。
这或许是神皇的馈赠，但它听起来太像灵能者的巫术了，这让我无法完全接受。再加上我无法“闭上眼睛”——我找不到更好的描述——让我愈发地不自在。
伊莎莱把瑟瑟发抖的我向她抓得更近了些，我轻叹于被这么抱着有多舒适。伊莎莱一直都比我强壮得多，而现在我可以允许自己充分地体会到这让我多有安全感。
“我很明亮吗？”伊莎莱温柔地发问道，我点了点头，并把嘴唇贴上了她的脖颈，品味着她的轻声呜咽。
“你的确是，但并不晃眼，”我回答道。“你在散发光芒，但我看向你时只感到温暖。”
伊莎莱突然把我放了下来，我不由得惊慌失措地尖叫了一声，随即便感觉到了身下的床单，又放松了下来。
不过一如既往地，她对待我十分小心。我感觉到她把厚被子从我的身下抽了出来，然后是床单，只不过是为了把它们重新铺好。我在它们盖到我的身上时松了口气，直到那时我才反应过来自己有多冷，一阵剧烈的战栗传到了我的四肢上，我抓住床单把它们尽可能紧地拽到了我的周身。
“不要动，Cre’yth，”伊莎莱说话时带着全银河所有的关心。
我看着她转过身去，她的光芒离我漂得更远了些，这勾起了一声不悦的嘟哝。我听见她在到达壁橱附近的墙壁时温和地轻笑着，她的光芒照亮了一捆她从上层抽屉里抽出的什么东西。
她一如既往地美丽，现在只会更加如此。她的每一个面部特征都在金白色的光芒中被清晰地勾勒了出来，尽管有些更微小的细节在光线的闪烁腾挪间完全消失了。
伊莎莱过了不久就出现在我的身边，向我扔来了另两条毯子，一条用来换掉我之前给她用的那条，它在室外的暴风雨里呆过后毫无疑问地湿透了，另一件只是为了让我更暖和些。
“好点了吗？”伊莎莱一边用手指摩挲着我的前额一边问道，我点点头，突然间感觉极度疲惫。
“好——好多了，”我打了个哈欠，感觉看到了不仅仅是她的笑容。
然后她跪了下来，拨开了一些被褥，随后滑了进去以蜷缩在我的身上。她的温暖沉进了我的体内，我则本能地向她依偎地更近了些，寻找着皮肤上的温暖的源头。
伊莎莱将她的嘴唇贴在我的脸颊上，我在她身上蹭了蹭，然后也亲了回去，同时她的嘴唇轻拂过我的耳朵，然后是我的脖颈，她随之继续在我的整张脸上缓缓地印下了一个又一个吻，直到她终于找到我的嘴，她的双腿与我的相互交缠，把我牢牢地固定在了她的身边。
我不确定为什么会这样，但那打破了我身体的某样事物。
那事关安心与温暖，以及最重要的——被爱着，并且躺在毛毯下我全银河里最爱的女人的臂弯里的那样事物，带走了我的最后一丝坚强。我自觉曾经或许抗拒过那种情感，但现在不是了……在伊莎莱的怀抱中，我容许了自己的软弱，发出了十分微弱、十分轻柔的哭声。
伊莎莱并没有询问我哭泣的原因，她只是在怀抱中轻轻摇着我。就算她问出口了我也不能肯定自己会有一个答案。我觉得自己只是太累了，燃尽了，以至于到了一切都结束的现在我只想让自己崩溃一次。
毕竟我毫无疑问地知道伊莎莱会让我重新振作起来。
“睡吧，我亲爱的亚历莎，”伊莎莱小声说。“我会在今晚以及以后的每一夜都守着你，”她的气息火热地扑在我的耳朵上，我则在另一阵无名的悲伤中颤抖起来，随着我紧紧地抱住她，一声细微的啜泣逸出我的双唇。
“流泪吧，我的挚爱，”她继续说道，“让它们流下来，再让梦境带走你吧……”她的嘴唇轻轻刮过我的一只眼睛，然后是另一只。“睡吧，并知晓我会成为汝之双眼，汝之臂膀，汝之利刃，而我在此生与往世都将爱着你。”
“我爱你，伊莎莱，”我抽泣着。“求你……陪着我吧。”
“一直都会的，Cre’yth，”她喃喃道，并用柔软的双唇留下的一个吻打断了她的话语。“从今往后，直到永远。”
———————————————————————————————————————————————
然后我就睡着了。
不是几分钟或几小时，而是数个昼夜。
我记得自己在清醒与沉睡的边缘时来时往，我记得发烧时的汗流浃背、气喘吁吁。我记得伊莎莱闪耀着金光的身形拥抱着我，照料着我，等候着我的每一个需求。
她在我虚弱到无法进食时喂我，把口粮混着一点水捣碎，然后一点一点地喂给我。她耐心地让水淌进我干燥的喉咙，抱着我去浴室，在那里她把我清洗干净，然后在每一晚都躺在我的身边。
伊莎莱每个晚上都为我唱歌。
被像个残疾人一样对待本该令人羞耻，但不知怎的，我甚至没有力气去感受那种情感。
我只觉得感激。
最令我难以置信的是，我记得在暂且认为是在发烧的第四个夜晚里发生的事。这很难说清楚，毕竟我如此频繁地睡了又醒，有时只睡了一会儿，其他时候则是几个小时，我无法让自己足够连贯地进行一场对话。
在那个晚上，我依靠在一丝不挂的伊莎莱身上，她的柔软和温暖带给我无可估量的舒适。我精疲力竭却并不疲惫，如果这还能说的通的话。我在一天的大部分时间里都在睡觉，夜间的凉风惬意地吹在我的额头上。
在我们躺在一起时，我比在她移动时感觉到的要更多。我的灵能感知向她倾斜，她的金色光辉向下掠过了床沿，拾起了什么东西。
是一本书。
“你是要给我讲故事吗？”我虚弱地问道，又因为不知为何觉得这个想法很好玩而笑了起来。
“跟那个差不多吧，”伊莎莱回答道，我又一次爱上了她温柔的口音。这可能跟发烧有些关系。
伊莎莱缓慢而恭敬地打开了那本书，随着她这么做，我在一阵极度痛苦中意识到自己看不见书上的任何一个字。伊莎莱身上投射的光辉清晰到足矣让我看到这部巨著的主体，但也仅限于此。从这个和其他的角度来讲，我确实是瞎了，不过我明白一些拒绝使用（眼部？）植入物的技术神甫会采用某种触觉语言。
也许某一天我也会打听一下这件事，在那之前我还有伊莎莱。
我看着她像闪烁的阳光一样的灵巧手指翻开了封面，抚平了第一页，然后清了清嗓子并将之拿稳。
“欢呼吧，子民们，因主行走在我们中间，”伊莎莱说道，一瞬间我的心脏膨胀到几乎要炸开。“光明立在我们面前，道路向我们所有人敞开……”
她读的并不是随便哪一本书。她正在读一本从我的个人物品里拿来的书。伊莎莱正为我读着《智训启蒙》（Primer Ecclesiasticus）——帝国信条的布道。
“……因人皇即是光明，人皇即是大道，”她继续读道，语气中真诚的小心和轻柔的敬畏告诉我，她在念诵这些话时也感受到了它们，“而祂的一切行动皆是出于人类——也即是祂的人民——的利益。”
“帝皇即是主，主即是帝皇，”我与她一起念出这些字眼，毕竟我如同任何一个称职的修女会的姐妹那样对它们了然于胸。“因而这条帝国信经的教诲高于一切……即是帝皇庇佑。”
伊莎莱随后陷入了沉默，过了一会儿她合上了书本，把它放了下来，然后像以往那样紧紧地将我抱在胸前，我感觉到热泪从她了脸上滑落到我的头顶。
“帝皇庇佑，”伊莎莱轻声低语，“而祂便派我来保护你了。”
“你确实这么做了，”我回答道，微弱地回应了她的拥抱。“你会继续为我读下去吗？”
“你想要多久都可以，”伊莎莱在我的额头上印下一吻，然后转身重新打开了《智训启蒙》，又一次回到了她的位置上。
“随着旧夜的面纱被揭开，承蒙神圣陛下的恩赐，神圣泰拉归于一统，并挣脱了混沌的枷锁……”
“亚历莎，在床上待着！”伊莎莱在卧室门口怒容满面，我靠在床头板上瑟缩了一下。
我很快就学会了通过她的光晕的明暗变化来判断她的情绪。每当她感受到了某种格外强烈的情绪，这光晕便会发生改变，如果我细心观察的话就能发现她的光晕边缘还有着金色之外的色彩。
而现在，她正心烦意乱。并不是生气，只是害怕。她被我吓到了，而我不久前才突然想到她很难处理这些情绪。
毕竟，她以前从未真正地感受过它们。
“我的烧两周前就退了，‘莱，”即便她走到了床边把我压回了床上，我也还在抗议着。
我得为她辩护一下，由于病痛我现在仍然虚弱到做不了太多抵抗。
“你现在看不见，而且还在被疾病和灵能后冲所蹂躏着，”伊莎莱生硬地说。“如果不给你的身体时间来愈合的话它就再承受不了多少了！”
她在我身边跪了下来，然后握住我的手，把它放到嘴唇边在指节上印下一吻。
“你是我的全部，亚历莎，”伊莎莱轻声说。“现在让我照顾你……至少让我做到这点吧。”
“伊莎莱，你不必像这样伺候我的，”她把我塞回被窝里，在那里我恼火地发现自己确实感觉好受了些，即便如此我还是抗议着。
“我想要服侍你，亚历莎，”她轻松地回复道。“知道你正被照顾着让我很开心，你会纵容我这样吗？”
好吧，我确实不能很好地拒绝这点。于是，我轻叹着点了点头，允许她再为我操心一小会儿。我不得不承认，被如此细致入微地宠爱着感觉很好。她真的很爱我，这能从她的手上的每一个动作和每一个流连的触碰中看出来。
随着每一次呼吸和每一个专注的动作，我都知道伊莎莱爱着我。
伊莎莱在她为我盖上摊子时谨慎地看了我一眼。我只能从她的辉光上隐隐带着的冷青色边缘来判断。
她正在担心我。
“我会恢复的，吾爱，”我向她保证道，“灵族的脸庞不是为了苦恼而生的。”
一抹红晕划过伊莎莱的脸颊。“我没在发愁，我是因为你差点死了两次才这么担心的！”
“只要神皇愿意我就会活下去的，”我带着苦笑说。
她对此报以沉默，但又僵硬地点了点头，抚平了毯子上一些不存在的皱纹，然后转身离开了房间。她经常来看我，但我知道她离开尖塔的次数也一样多。
当我询问其中的缘由时，她会迸发出相当明显的灵能光芒，然后告诉我她正在巡逻。没了喷气摩托让她花费了更长的时间，但她想要确保兽人没有注意到这阵灵能风暴局限于某一地点。这本不大可能，但如果它们之中混着一个罕见又恶心的灵能者亚种的话也是有可能的。
这是伊莎莱告诉我的，但我知道她一直在说谎。
或者至少，她一直在隐瞒真相的全貌。当她解释起自己的理由时，我花了些时间才意识到这一点。在她说话时，她的辉光周围有一丝极其古怪的赭色，一种感觉上微妙地不对劲的紧张而不快的负担。
一个谎言，我终于明白了。伊莎莱在向我隐瞒某件事，看上去就是这样的。
我曾想过把这件事挑明，但最后还是决定不这么干。我决定相信伊莎莱正做着她认为必须做的事，而就我所知她是对的。更重要的是，我相信伊莎莱深爱着我，也永远不会伤害我，而如果我坚信这一点的话就不需要做别的什么了。
让我担心的仅在于她正担心着，因为据我估计她已经或者接近恢复了全部的力量，而如果一大群兽人都不足以阻挡她的话，那意味着她担忧的事情应该要危险的多。
所以我就让她巡逻下去了，我也没问她为什么。伊莎莱的内心一片混乱，每次我看着她时都能看出这一点。我无法精确地描述那是什么，但我知道她所感受的情绪，它们的深邃，是我无法理解的。在我的新视野和我在神皇的旨意下所见证的景象间，我相信自己对艾达灵族的了解远比以前要多。
在这之前，我知道他们是一个威胁，因为帝国国教是如此看待的，而我作为一名敬畏神的修女也没有理由再怀疑更多。不过，现在我知道他们远比任何揣测——或许除了神皇的至圣审判庭所怀疑的那样之外——都更加恶毒。
他们的每一个个体都像是灵魂之海中的一座灯塔。一个由灵能者组成的种族，确实如此，但又不限于此……他们的灵魂在亚空间的荼毒中像无尽的繁星一般发光，而他们每到一处地方就会像尸体引来苍蝇一样吸引恶魔。
只有通过诡计和巫术，他们才能逃脱审判和死亡。
除了伊莎莱。
一想到我的挚爱，笑容就又回到了我的脸上。我亲爱的伊莎莱，在帝皇面前垂下头去，接受了她的软弱和罪恶，摆脱了黑暗之路以站立于祂的羽翼下。
伊莎莱再也不能于亚空间前遁形。现在，她在地球之主的光辉中傲然面对之。她是自己的族人中第一个做到这一点的，而我对此感到无比自豪。
当然了，我也确实希望能再次好好地看着她。
我低头看着自己的手，或者说至少我觉得自己在这么做。我现在很难确定自己的方向。目所能及的大部分都是一片漆黑……我自己投射出来的光亮远比伊莎莱的更稀薄也更暗淡。在独处时我几乎辨认不出自己的轮廓，但在与她共处时，我几乎像是复明了一般。
几乎是。
可我最为怀念的还是那些细节。
我想念伊莎莱的双眼胜过一切——她美丽的紫藤色双眼，和她拿日出般的绚丽长发。我希望能再亲眼目睹而非追忆它们，而最可怕的是，我知道哪怕是它们也会随着时间推移而模糊褪色，被我的世界中仅有的黑色与金色所取代。
我轻叹着靠在床上，抬头盯着我只得假定是天花板的地方。我看不见它，毕竟我发出的光几乎爬不过自己的指尖，但我想也可以就当它在那。
无论如何，人是会抱有希望的。
“如果还要在这里呆上另一个昼夜，我就该发疯了。”我嘟哝着在被窝里辗转反侧。
灵能后冲，伊莎莱如此称呼它。我自觉是明白其中含义的……极少数我见过的合法灵能者——大多是星语者——都十分消瘦，他们的身体被自身的力量所毒害，变得赢弱不堪。我真该为自己能恢复得如此之快而感到幸运。
“去它的，”我从毯子下面挪了出来，打了个寒战，然后把其中一条小毯子围在肩膀上起身离开。
过程十分艰难，我的膝盖和脚趾在好几样东西上磕碰出了五颜六色的瘀伤，但最终我还是走到了主室。出乎我的意料，房间里的某个地方正散发着微弱的光芒，四下寻找后我来到了教堂动力甲堆成的整洁的小山前。
“看护你的装备，”我大声念出了每日一思中的一条。
帝皇的赐福正被施加于这甲胄上，它正闪耀着祂的光辉。
在紧迫感的驱使下，我缓慢而谨慎地把装备摆回各自的位置上，然后前去我们在小教堂塌在劫掠的兽人身上之前获得的补给品那里。
那里也有光亮，来自一些仪式用品，尽管那跟我或盔甲发出的光相比几不可见。
不过没过多久，我就拿上了我的工具和自己的那本《智讯启蒙》，然后跪在盔甲前开始笨拙地进行整备仪式。在将每一部分连接上整体前，我尽自己所能地用圣油、香灰和油膏为这件盔甲施油。这花了我将近一个小时的时间，但一当盔甲被完全恢复原样，我便感觉好了许多。
当然，此时我已经变得脏兮兮的，双手上覆盖着作业的残留物，手臂上也沾上了机油。
“那就洗个澡吧，”我下定决心。
我渴望能有朝一日再与我的姐妹们相聚，假设她们在我身边站着一个灵族——哪怕是个获准的灵族——时还会再正眼看我，但我希望她们尽早地理解。即便如此，我还是得承认自己会想念这间小宿舍慷慨地给予的盥洗室，它自然比阿尔伯雷亚修道院里狭小的洗浴隔间更舒适。
蒸汽迅速地充盈了这个房间，浴池一被放满水我就感激地沉进了热水里。在这里过去的每一刻都给予了我更多的力量，而没过多久我就意识到这只是自己的想象罢了。
我举起一只手，活动着胳膊，一边检视着自己一边把手翻来翻去。
我现在变得更亮了吗？
灵魂辉光在这里肯定是变亮了。在躺在床上时我几乎看不见自己，而现在我不但能看见自己的全身，还能辨认出几个手掌外的事物。它依旧无法与伊莎莱的那颗闪闪发光的恒星相比，但也切实地有了提升。
“可这是怎么做到的？”我喃喃着来回翻转手臂。“为什么我现在比以前要亮了？”
我浸回水中，思考起这区别。在卧室里我感觉自己一无是处，而现在，在保养了盔甲后我明显感觉好些了。
那件盔甲。
我带着飞速运转的头脑猛地从浴池中起身并爬了出去，抓起了一条毛巾把自己擦干，然后穿上了我挂在附近的那件备用的紧身服。
盔甲一直在闪闪发亮，可其中的机魂甚至尚未苏醒！它一直都在闪耀着神皇之光！
我拉紧了紧身服，在里面稍微挪了挪以让自己更舒服些，随后回到了主室并跪在了盔甲前面。它现在比之前更亮了，我觉得自己或许把一些光带进了自己体内。又或者我只是与它同步地发亮，由于我已经把它奉献给了神皇，我也敞开了自己，以让祂的光辉也更加明亮地照在了我的身上！
“只有一个办法能找出答案，”我说道，随之在胸甲上的天鹰徽面前低下头，然后抬头面对徽记，开口赞颂起来。
一首献给神皇的古老赞美诗从我的唇间流淌出来，语间将我的人生和死亡都投入到对祂的侍奉中去，每说出一个词，我都能感到自己的力量正在回归。随着我对着祂敞开内心和灵魂，我能感受到祂的光芒正逐渐充盈着自己。
我的声线在接近最后几句时达到了顶点，有一瞬间我似乎又能看见了。我的光——不，是祂的光辉，正映在每一样事物上，而盔甲上正闪耀着如野火般噼啪作响的金色电火。
“亚历莎？！”伊莎莱的声音把我从全情投入中惊了回来，我转身面对她。
在感知落到了阳台上的她的那一瞬间，我踉跄着后退并尖叫了出来。她现在璀璨夺目。她的全身都像被禁锢住的超新星一样闪耀，将其余的整个世界都照得清晰到令人痛心。但从那金色火焰的风暴中，我能看到别的东西。
一道日出般的光芒从她的脸上倾泻而下，勾勒出两颗美丽的紫藤色星星。
而它们正在恐惧中大睁着。
“亚历莎快停下！”伊莎莱在电光火石间来到了我的身边，她的光晕在蓝绿色耀斑中爆发出亮绿色的光影。“你必须现在就停下！”
“停——停下什么？”我紧闭上双眼，但这一点用也没有。那光芒无法忽视，也无法被隔绝开来！
“你正在把自己的力量照射进亚空间，亚历莎！”她一把抓住我，把我紧紧压在她的身上，以至我的整个感官都淹没在她的光辉中，而突然间它……情况变得没那么坏了。
我的世界里只剩下了伊莎莱的灵魂投射出的温暖而包容的光芒。
“让自己冷静下来，吾爱，”伊莎莱安慰地低声念道。“冷静点，你离亚空间的波涛太近了，你必须回到我这里。”
我深呼吸了几次，伊莎莱令人平静的冷烟的气息在她拉近我时充盈了我的双肺。我照着她说的做，通过在脑海里背诵祷文和教理来强行让自己冷静下来，直到我再次感到稳定。
那光芒慢慢变得更加可以忍受了。伊莎莱的身形不再像光辉的化身，尽管她仍和平时一样亮，我自己的身体的轮廓也没有之前那么清晰，但我看得更加清楚，能看到更多的细节了。
我的周身仍旧暗淡，被阴影包裹着，但只要伊莎莱在附近我就至少能辨认出主室的大部分。
就好像我还需要另一个理由来待在她身边似的。
“我希望你感觉好了点，亚历莎，因为我们必须尽快动身了，”伊莎莱突然说，她在把双肩包们挂上肩膀前已经在把各类物品装进去：大部分是口粮和药品。“我们不能再在这座尖塔里停留了！”
“为什么？”我问道，踉跄着站了起来，但还是开始穿起那件精工动力甲。
如果伊莎莱感到担心，那我就不得不相信这有着充分的理由。
“那股力量的闪光就像一座灯塔，”伊莎莱叹了口气解释道。“我曾寄希望于你在我的灵魂得救的那一夜所作祷告的灵能坠尘能保我们不受打扰，但那个闪光的位置要更确切得多，他们不会错失它的。”
“他们？”我把胸甲锁好，在伊莎莱的帮助下开始穿上臂甲和腿甲。“‘他们’是谁？‘莱？你这段时间一直在向我隐瞒什么，而我应该知情的！”
伊莎莱发出了一声抱怨，我看着她的轮廓波动起来，我觉得她像在生自己的气时那样微微摇了摇头。
“我早该知道你会看穿的，Cre’yth，”她轻声回答道。“你知道多久了？”
“从你第一次巡逻开始，”我如实回答，她虚弱地轻笑起来。“现在告诉我，谁来了？”
“我的方舟世界表亲，”伊莎莱说，我顿感脊背发凉。“他们已经在这座城市间出没了几十个昼夜了，虽然我不知道缘由……但他们会发现那股浪潮，然后他们会前来调查。”
“他们会从亚空间里感觉到那个？”我问道，尽管我确定自己知道答案。
“也会从他们的探测阵列上发现的。”伊莎莱确认道。
“占卜阵列能探测到那个？！”我的双眼在不祥预感的降临下睁大开来。
我感觉伊莎莱皱起了眉头，阴影爬上了她的光晕边缘，加剧了蓝绿色的恐惧和担忧。“我觉得是这样……那是一阵能量激流，所以如果有人正在追踪亚空间波涛的话，那么他们就不会错过的。”
“那么你的表亲也许就不是唯一知道这个的。”
我在说出这句话的那一刻就知道那是真的，而仅仅几秒后，我的担忧就在我全副武装站起身来，耳边充盈起帝国运输船的引擎令人怀念的咆哮声时得到了证实。
我并不确定伊莎莱的神秘亲族是从哪里开始的，但花园隐修院会定期在安菲特里亚上空巡逻。隐修院有着自己的小型星语合唱团，她们便是籍此呼叫救援的，而如果他们发现了我，那么只需片刻的时间最近的巡逻队就会被告知我的位置。
伊莎莱的目光投向了天际，即使以我的感官寥寥无几的清晰度，我也能看到那满脸的愁容，她身上夹杂着紧贴在她的光晕边缘的亮绿色。
看来我不能再拖延与姐妹们的相聚了。
原文：
I was blinded.
Well, not entirely, but for all intents and purposes, I was blinded. My eyes no longer functioned. The world was shrouded in a cloak of darkness, blotted out by the visions granted to me by Him on Earth in exchange for Isarae’s soul.
An exchange I would make a thousand plus a thousand times over.
Not that Isarae was particularly pleased with it.
“Alessa, why?!” The broken sorrow in Isarae’s voice pulled at my heart, but I stood fast even as I leaned against her.
“The God-Emperor spoke unto me and said that, to save your soul, I must see that which cannot be unseen,” I explained quietly as I pressed against my lover. “I knew what I was giving up, ‘Rae, I knew that if I was granted sight beyond sight, that I would never see my world again.”
“But-!”
“I would trade my eyes for your soul at any hour or day, Isarae,” I said sternly, cutting off her further protest. “Would you not give the same for me?”
I heard her swallow, then sigh. “Yes… of course I would… I would give anything to protect you, Alessa.”
“Then do not admonish me for doing the same,” I replied more gently. “Besides, my blindness is not total.”
“What do you mean?” Isarae’s voice was hopeful as she cradled me against her and led me into our quarters. A few stubbed toes on my end, though, prompted her to simply pick me up and carry me.
I wrapped my arms around her neck and shoulders as she hefted me, bridal style, and pulled me close, and I buried my face against her neck and breathed deeply before replying.
“I can… perceive,” I began quietly. “It is not sight, precisely. I can see your soul like it’s a bonfire in the dark, and its light cascades over the world, casting everything else in shadow.”
“Psychic perceptions?” Isarae muttered. “You see the world illuminated by the light of the soul's fire, then?”
“I suppose so,” I shivered at the idea.
It may have been a gift from the God-Emperor, but it sounded too much like psyker witchery for me to be fully comfortable with it. That and the fact that I could not ‘shut my eyes’, for lack of a better term, was making me increasingly uneasy.
Isarae clutched me more tightly to her as I shivered, and I sighed quietly at how pleasant it felt to be carried like this. Isarae has always been so much stronger than I, and now I could allow myself to fully appreciate how safe that made me feel.
“Am I bright?” Isarae asked gently, and I nodded as I pressed my lips to her neck, and savored her quiet moan.
“You are, but not blinding,” I replied. “You cast light, but when I look on you all I feel is warmth.”
Isarae lowered me suddenly, and I had to hold in a yelp of panic before I felt the bedclothes beneath me and relaxed.
As ever, though, she was careful with me. I felt her move the comforter out from under me, and then the sheets, and only for them to be laid over again. I sighed quietly in relief as they covered me, I had not realised how cold I was until that moment, and a terrible shiver set up and down my limbs as I grappled with the sheets and tugged them as tightly around me as I could.
“Be still, Cre’yth,” Isarae said with all the care in the galaxy.
I watched as she turned away, her light drifting further from me, and drawing out a whine of displeasure. I heard her chuckle softly as she reached the far wall near the closets, and her light illuminated a bundle of something that she was pulling from one of the upper shelves.
She was beautiful, as always, only more so now. Her every feature was starkly outlined in golden-white light, although some of the finer details were lost in the shimmer and shift of it all.
Isarae was by my side a moment later, throwing yet another pair of blankets over me, one to replace the one I’d used for her that had become undoubtedly sodden after being outside in the storm, and the other just to keep me a little bit warmer.
“Better?” Isarae asked as her fingers brushed along my forehead, and I nodded, suddenly feeling horribly exhausted.
“B-Better,” I yawned, and I felt more than saw her smile.
Then she knelt, moved some of the covers aside, and slipped in beneath them to curl around me. Her warmth sunk into me and I instinctively curled closer to her, seeking the source of that warmth against my skin.
Isarae pressed her lips to my cheek as I nuzzled against her and kissed her back as her lips brushed up to my ear, then down to my neck, and she proceeded to lavish slow kisses all across my face until she finally found my mouth as her legs tangled around mine, locking me in place beside her.
I’m not sure why, but that broke something in me.
Something about being safe and warm and, above all, loved and lying beneath the blankets in the arms of the woman I loved best in all the galaxy, took the iron out of me. I think I might have resisted that feeling once, but not now… in Isarae’s arms as I allowed myself to be weak, I began to very quietly, and very softly, cry.
Isarae didn’t ask why I was crying, she just cradled and rocked me in her arms. Even had she asked I’m not certain I would have had an answer. I think I was just so tired, and worn so very thin, that now that it was all over all I wanted to do was let myself fall apart.
Because I knew without a doubt that Isarae would be there to put me back together again.
“Sleep, my darling Alessa,” Isarae murmured. “I shall watch over you this night and for all the nights to come,” her breath was hot against my ear as I shuddered through another wave of unnamed grief, and a small sob escaped my lips as I hugged her tight.
“Let your tears flow, my beloved,” she continued, “let them out, and then let dreams take you…” her lips brushed under one eye, then the other. “Sleep and know that I shall be thy eyes, and thy strong arm, and thy sharpened blade, and that I shall love you for all the time left to this body and beyond.”
“I love you, Isarae,” I sobbed. “Please… stay with me.”
“Always, Cre’yth,” she whispered, and she punctuated her words with a press of her soft lips against mine. “Now and always.”
I slept then.
Not for minutes or hours, but for cycles.
I remember drifting in and out of sleep, and I remember sweating and panting as fever took me. I remember Isarae’s gold-bright presence holding me and tending to me, waiting on my every need.
She fed me when I was too weak to eat, mashing rations mixed with a little water, and feeding it to me bit by bit. She coaxed water down my dry throat, carried me to the bath where she cleaned me, and then laid down beside me every night.
Isarae sang to me every night.
It should have been shameful to be treated like an invalid, but somehow I could not muster the strength to feel even that.
All I could feel was gratitude.
Most incredibly, I remember what happened on what I tentatively believe to be my fourth night in fever. It was hard to tell because so often I would pass out and then awaken, sometimes moments had passed, other times hours, and I could not keep myself coherent enough for a conversation.
That night I was resting against Isarae’s naked form, her softness and warmth bringing me uncountable comfort. I was exhausted but not tired, if that makes any sense. I had slept through much of the day, and the cool night wind felt good on my brow.
As we laid together, I felt more than saw her shift. My perception angled onto her, and her golden light reached down past the edge of the bed and picked something up.
A book.
“Are you going to read me a story?” I asked weakly, and I laughed because for some reason I found that notion quite funny.
“Something like that,” Isarae replied, and I fell in love with that gentle accent of hers all over again. The fever may have had something to do with that.
Slowly and reverently, Isarae opened the book, and as she did I realised with a small pang of anguish that I could not see any of the words on the page. The definition of the light cast from Isarae was enough to show me the body of the tome, but nothing more. In that sense, and a few others, I was truly blind, although my understanding was that there was a kind of tactile language certain priests used who eschewed implants.
Perhaps I would ask after that one day, and until then I had Isarae.
I watched as her deft fingers, like shimmering digits of sunlight, peeled open the cover, flattened the first page, and then held it steady as she cleared her throat.
“Rejoice, O’ children, for God walks among us,” Isarae began, and I felt my heart swell almost to bursting in an instant. “The Light stands before us, and the Way is made open to us all…”
She wasn’t reading just any book. She was reading a book from my personal effects. Isarae was reading to me from the Primer Ecclesiasticus; the Holy Word of the Imperial Creed.
“...for the Emperor of Mankind is the Light, and the Emperor of Mankind is the Way,” she continued, and the genuine care and soft awe in her voice told me she was feeling the words as much as speaking them, “and all of His actions are for the benefit of Mankind, which is His people.”
“The Emperor is God and God is the Emperor,” I spoke the words along with her, for I knew them by heart as any good Sister of the Adeptus Sororitas would. “And so it is taught by the Imperial Creed that above all things… the Emperor Protects.”
Isarae fell silent then, and after a moment she closed the book, laid it down, and hugged me as tightly to her breast as ever she did, and I felt warm tears falling from her face onto the crown of my head.
“The Emperor Protects,” Isarae whispered softly, “and He sent me to protect you.”
“And you have,” I replied, returning her hug albeit weakly. “Will you keep reading to me?”
“For as long as you wish,” Isarae pressed a kiss to my brow, then shifted about, reopened the Primer, and found her place again.
“As the veil of Old Night lifted, by the grace of his Divine Majesty was Holy Terra united, and freed from the yoke of Chaos…”
“Alessa, stay in bed!” Isarae scowled from the bedroom door, and I wilted back against the headboard.
I learned quickly that I could tell her moods by the waxing and waning of her luminous aura. It shifted whenever she was feeling a particularly intense emotion, and there was an edge of color to her aura beyond just the gold if I looked closely.
And right now, she was upset. Not angry, just scared. She was frightened for me and it occurred to me not too long ago that she was having a hard time handling those emotions.
After all, she’s never really felt them before.
“My fever broke two cycles ago, ‘Rae,” I protested even as she moved over to me and levered me back into bed.
In her defense, I was still weak enough from my illness that I wasn’t able to put up much of a fight.
“You are blind and ravaged by both illness and psychic backlash,” Isarae said stiffly. “Your body cannot take much more of this if you do not give it time to heal!”
She knelt beside me and took my hand, gripping it and bringing her lips to my knuckles where she pressed a kiss.
“You are my everything, Alessa,” Isarae said quietly. “Let me care for you now… let me do this, at least.”
“Isarae, you don’t have to wait on me like this,” I protested even as I let her shift me back beneath the covers where, annoyingly, I found I did feel a little better.
“I wish to wait on you, Alessa,” she replied easily. “It brings me happiness to know you are cared for, will you indulge me that much?”
Well I couldn't very well say no to that. So, I sighed and nodded, and allowed her to fuss over me for a little while longer. I had to admit, it was nice to be doted on with such care. She really did love me, and it showed in every motion of her hand and every lingering touch.
With every breath and every devoted motion, I knew that Isarae loved me.
As she pulled the covers over me, Isarae eyed me with a careful look. I could only tell because of the faint edge of cold teal across her aura.
She was worried about me.
“I will heal, my love,” I assured her, “an Aeldari face was not made to fret.”
A flush crossed Isarae’s cheeks. “I am not fretting, I’m worried because you’ve nearly died twice over!”
“I will live as the God-Emperor wills it,” I said with a wan smile.
She clammed up at that, but nodded stiffly before smoothing out some non-existent wrinkles on the blankets, then turning to leave the room. She was checking in on me often, but I knew that she left the spire just as much.
When I’d asked why, she’d cited the rather obvious explosion of psychic light, and told me she was patrolling. It took her longer without her jetbike, but she wanted to be certain the Orks hadn’t realised that the psychic storm had been localised. It was unlikely, but possible if they had one their rare and disgusting psyker subbreeds with them.
That was what Isarae told me, but she had been lying.
Or at least, she had been hiding the entirety of the truth. It took me a moment to realise it as she was explaining her reasoning. There was the oddest tinge of ochre around her aura as she spoke, a kind of tense, unpleasant weight that felt subtly off.
A lie, I had realised eventually. That was what it looked like when Isarae was hiding something from me.
I thought about pressing the matter, but in the end decided not to. I decided to trust that Isarae was doing what she thought she had to, and for all I knew she was right. Most importantly, I trusted that Isarae loved me dearly, and would never do me harm, and if I held to that truth then I needed little else.
What worried me was only that she was worried, because to my reckoning she was back to her full strength or near enough, and if a horde of Orks hadn’t been enough to balk her then that meant whatever she was worried over was significantly more dangerous.
So I let her patrol, and I didn’t ask her why. Isarae’s heart was in turmoil, I could see it every time I looked at her. I cannot describe precisely what it is, but I know that the emotions she feels, the depths of them, are something I cannot fathom. Between my new sight and what I witnessed at the God-Emperor’s behest, I believe I understand the Eldar far better than I did.
Before this, I knew they were a danger because the Cult Imperialis deemed it so and, as a god-fearing sister, I had no reason to question beyond that. Now, though, I know that they are far worse than any but, perhaps, the God-Emperor's Most Holy Inquisition suspects.
Each and every one of them is like a beacon in the Sea of Souls. A race of psykers, yes, but so much more… they are a race whose souls burn like endless stars in the torment of the warp and draw daemons to them like flies to a carcass wherever they go.
Only through trickery and sorcery do they evade judgment and death.
All except Isarae.
The thought of my beloved brought a smile back to my face. Isarae, my dearest, who bowed her head before the Emperor and accepted her weakness and sin, who shed her dark ways to stand beneath His wings.
Isarae no longer hides from the warp. Now she faces it with her head held high, illuminated by the light of Him on Earth. She was the first of her kind to do so, and I could not be more proud.
Of course, I do wish I could see her again properly.
I look down at my hands, or at least I think I do. It’s difficult to orient myself now. What I see, for the most part, is darkness… the light that I cast is so much thinner and more pale than Isarae’s. I can barely make out my own outline when I’m alone, but when she is with me it’s almost like I can see again.
Almost.
It’s the details I miss most though.
I miss my Isarae’s eyes most of all; her lovely, Wisteria eyes, and that gorgeous sunrise hair of hers. I wish I could see it again in more than my memories, and the worst of it is that I know even those will fade in time to be replaced with the two-tone shades of black and gold that my world has been reduced to.
Sighing, I leaned back in bed and stared up at what I had to assume was the ceiling. I couldn't see it, as the light I cast barely reached past my own fingers, but I think it safe to assume the ceiling is still there.
One would hope, anyway.
“If I have to spend another cycle in bed I will go mad,” I grumbled as I shifted around under the covers.
Psychic backlash, Isarae had called it. I suppose I understand… the few sanctioned I'd met, mostly astropaths, were all emaciated, their bodies ravaged by their own powers and left weak. I should really consider myself fortunate that I’m recovering so quickly.
“Frak it,” I moved out from under the blankets, shivered, then wrapped one of the small covers around my shoulders as I stood to leave.
It was difficult, and I knocked my knees and toes against more than a few things prompting a series of colorful curses, but eventually I made my way out to the main room. To my surprise, there was a faint luminance coming from somewhere in the room, and a bit of nosing around led to the small but tidy pile that was the Chapel Power Armour.
“Look to your wargear,” I spoke one of the Imperial Thoughts aloud.
The blessings of the Emperor were upon the armour, and it shone with His light.
Feeling compelled, I slowly and carefully arranged the gear into its respective positions before going to the supply we’d claimed from the chapel before it was collapsed atop a crew of looting Orks.
There was light there too, coming from some of the ritual objects, although it was barely an ember compared to myself or the armour.
Soon, though, I was armed with both my tools and my copy of the Primer, and I knelt over the armour to begin clumsily working my way through the Rites of Rearmament. With oil, ash, and unguent I anointed the armor as best I was able prior to connecting each piece to the whole. It took me the better part of an hour, but once the armour was fully restored I felt significantly better.
I was filthy by then, of course, my hands were coated in the remains of my work and my arms stained with machine oils.
“A bath, then,” I decided.
I was eager to see my sisters again one day, assuming they would ever look well upon me with an Eldar at my side, even a sanctioned one, but I hoped they would understand in time. That being said, I had to admit that I would miss the lavish bath this little set of quarters possessed. It was certainly more comfortable than the cramped ablution stalls of the Convent Arborea.
Steam quickly filled the room and once the bath was filled I sank gratefully into the hot water. Every passing moment lent me more strength, and after a moment I realised it was just in my imagination.
I raised my hand and flexed my arm, turning my hand this way and that as I examined myself.
Was I brighter, now?
It certainly felt brighter in here. When I’d been in bed I’d been barely able to see myself, and now I was able to make out not only my own body but a few handspans beyond. It was still nothing compared to the effervescing star that was my Isarae, but it was certainly an improvement.
“How, though?” I muttered as I turned my arms this way and that. “Why am I brighter now than before?”
I sank back into the water and considered the difference. In the bedroom I was feeling useless, and now, after caring for the armour I certainly felt better.
The armour.
My mind began to race as I stood up sharply from the bath and scrambled out of it, grabbing a towel to dry myself before pulling on the spare bodyglove that I’d left hanging nearby.
The armour had been glowing, but the machine spirit in it wasn’t even awake! It had been shining with the light of the God-Emperor!
I pulled the glove taut and shifted around in it a bit to get comfortable before going back out to the main room and kneeling in front of the armour. It was shining now more brightly than it had been, and I think, perhaps, I had taken some of that light into myself. Or perhaps I was simply shining in sympathy with it, as I had devoted it to the God-Emperor I had opened myself to allow His light to shine through me all the brighter as well!
“Only one way to find out,” I said, then bowed my head before the emblazoned Aquila on the cuirass before raising my face to the emblem, and my voice in praise.
An ancient hymn to the God-Emperor devoting my life, and my death, to His service spilled from my lips, and with every word, I could feel my strength returning. I could feel His light filling me as my heart and spirit opened to Him.
My voice rose to a crescendo as I neared the final verses, and for a moment it was like I could see again. My light, no, His light, was reflecting off of everything, and the armour was burning with gold, corpusant light that crackled like wildfire.
“Alessa?!” Isarae’s voice startled me out of my devotions, and I whirled about to face her.
I staggered back and cried out the moment my perception settled upon her on the balcony. She was blinding. Her whole body was lit like a caged supernova, and it was casting all the rest of the world in painful definition. Through that storm of gold fire, though, I could see something else.
A cascade of sunrise light streamed around her face, framing two stars of beautiful wisteria.
And they were wide with fear.
“Alessa stop!” In a flash Isarae was at my side, her aura was flaring a violent shade of neon green shot through flares of teal. “You must stop this now!”
“S-Stop what?!” I was clamping my eyes shut but it wasn’t doing any good. The light was impossible to ignore and impossible to shut out!
“You’re flaring your power into the warp itself, Alessa!” She took hold of me, pressing me so close to her that the whole of my perceptions were drowned in her light, and suddenly it… it wasn’t quite so bad.
There was nothing in my whole world but the warm and encompassing light being given off my Isarae’s soul.
“Calm yourself, my love,” Isarae muttered soothingly. “Be calm, you are too near to the warptides, you must come back to me.”
I took several deep breaths and Isarae’s calming cold-smoke scent filled my lungs as she held me close. I did as she said, I forced myself to calm down by reciting litanies and catechisms in my mind until I felt stable again.
The light slowly grew more bearable. Isarae’s form was no longer an avatar of brilliance, although she was as bright as usual, and my own body was less outlined than it had been before, but there was more definition now, I could see more details of myself.
My surroundings were still dull and shadow-cloaked, but so long as Isarae was nearby I could make out much of the main room at least.
As if I needed another reason to stay by her side.
“I hope you are feeling better, Alessa, because we must move quickly,” Isarae said sharply, she was already packing things in satchels; rations and medicine mostly, before slinging them over her shoulder. “We cannot remain in this spire!”
“Why?” I questioned as I staggered to my feet, though began donning the artificer power armour all the same.
If Isarae was concerned then I had to trust that it was for a good reason.
“That flare of power was like a beacon,” Isarae explained with a sigh. “I had hoped that the psychic fallout of your prayers the night my soul was saved would preserve our privacy, but that flare was far more localised, they will not have missed it.”
“They?” I locked the cuirass in place, and with some help from Isarae began donning the extremities. “Who is 'they', ‘Rae? You’ve been hiding something from me all this time and I deserve to know!”
Isarae let out a groan and I watched her outline ripple as, I think, she did that little shake of her head she does when she’s annoyed with herself.
“I ought to have known you would see through it, Cre’yth,” she replied quietly. “How long have you known?”
“Since your first patrol,” I said truthfully, and she chuckled wanly. “Now tell me, who is coming?”
“My Craftworld cousins,” Isarae said, and I felt a chill go down my spine. “They have been haunting this city for dozens of cycles, though I know not why… but they will have detected that surge, and they will come to investigate.”
“They would have felt it through the warp?” I asked, although I was certain I knew the answer.
“And on their detection arrays,” Isarae confirmed.
“Augur arrays could detect that?!” My eyes widened as grim premonition fell over me.
I felt Isarae frown as shadows clung to the edge of her aura, darkening the teal fear and concern. “I suppose so… it is an energy surge, so if someone were keeping track of the warptides, then they could not have missed it.”
“Then your cousins may not be the only ones on their way.”
The moment I spoke the words I knew they were true, and my fears were confirmed mere seconds later as I stood, fully armed and armoured, my ears were filled with the nostalgic roar of an Imperial dropship’s engine wash.
I wasn’t certain where Isarae’s mysterious kin were starting from, but the Priory of Gardens flew regular patrols over Amphitria. The Priory had its own small choir of Astropaths, it was how they had called for help, and if they had sensed me it would have been mere moments before the nearest patrol was informed of my location.
Isarae eyes were cast skyward, and even through the thin definition of my perceptions I could see the wide, worried expression, she wore punctuated by teal-shot green clinging to the edge of her aura.
It seemed I would not be able to put off my reunion with my Sisters any longer.
