七十年前的小品文
偶尔看到了这篇文章【1】的简介（就不列举出处了），觉得很有趣。
真的有这篇文章吗。
惊叹这种奇文除了Goggle Scholar的PDF版本，找不到其他的记载。转载一下看看七十年前的美国人是怎样自嘲的。
文章由ChatGPT修复（部分用语与PDF版本有出入）和翻译。（P.S. 转载就只因被作者的幽默折服了）
HOW NEWTON DISCOVERED THE LAW OF GRAVITATION
JAMES E. MILLER
注意注意：第一篇不是原文，是一篇同人爽文。
重新分了一下段，每段命了一下名。又让ChatGPT根据该主题和章节名称，重新写了一篇文章；这个版本真的正派。
所以原文的画风是什么呢？我只能说，好惨一哥们儿……
近年来，我国科学研究经历了大规模扩张，在科学领域催生了许多朝气蓬勃的年轻科研人员，这是联邦政府鼓励和培养的美好成果之一。这些新秀们通常在忙碌的研究中自行摸索，但在政府赞助的复杂环节中常常缺乏适当的指导。幸运的是，他们可以从艾萨克·牛顿爵士的故事中找到启示。牛顿发展了引力定律，并在由大不列颠联合王国政府与英国果农联合会合作的水果改良项目中担任苹果子项目的负责人。
很少有人熟悉牛顿二十年寻找假设证明的细节：挫折和失败，对地球半径的准确测量需求，以及牛顿本人被迫发明的数学工具，以及在水果改良项目中展示的出色组织能力。这些细节来自他的著作《自然哲学的数学原理》，个人信件，笔记和其他文件，以及通过作者的熟人安排的一系列个人访谈。
1665年，年轻的牛顿成为他的母校剑桥大学的数学教授。他对工作的热忱以及作为教师和学生朋友的能力是无可置疑的。值得注意的是，他并非一个遥不可及的理论家，他在学院的贡献远远超出了课堂教学。他积极参与学院课程委员会、年轻贵族基督教协会学院分会、院长奖学金和奖励咨询委员会、纪律委员会、园林委员会、出版委员会、临时委员会等对于十七世纪学院适当管理至关重要的委员会。对牛顿在这些方面工作的详尽总结显示，在五年的时间里，他参加了379个委员会，调查了7924个校园生活问题，并解决了其中的31个。
牛顿作为一个人类天才，尽管在精力和才能上远远超过大多数人，但最终他发现自己在能力上存在局限。他为委员会工作奉献了大量时间，以至于不得不将越来越多的教学任务交给一名学生。他合理地推断出，用学生代替自己担任教师将使双方受益：学生可以通过教学提升自己的知识，而学生的学生们则能从一个年龄和兴趣相近的人那里更渴望地学习知识。牛顿并未通过向学生支付报酬来破坏这种理想的安排，这充分展示了他的价值观和自制力。当他的代理证明了自己作为一名教师的能力时，牛顿将所有的课堂工作都交给了他，从而能够将自己的力量投入学院的管理工作中。
大约在那个时候，牛顿的头脑异常活跃，科学问题始终困扰着他。他偶尔思考凯普勒关于行星运动的伟大发现以及一些天文学家提出的行星间距离与引力成反比关系的假设。在一个繁忙的夜晚，一场原定于十一点的委员会会议被迫取消，因为一位委员因劳累而去世，无法达到法定人数。牛顿的日程被完美安排，他发现自己在午夜前没有事可做。于是，他决定出去散步，这个短暂的漫步改变了世界历史。
当牛顿漫步在剑桥的夜空中时，他被一道灵感之光触动，引发了一系列事件，并在1686年向全世界宣布了引力定律。那天正是秋天，牛顿家附近有许多苹果树，树上结满成熟的果实。牛顿偶然看到一个多汁的苹果掉落在地上。他的直觉充满了人性的一面。他越过花园的围墙，把苹果放进口袋，然后再爬回来。一旦远离花园，他从口袋里拿出苹果开始咬了起来。然后，灵感涌现。在没有任何思考或逻辑推理的情况下，他脑海中突然浮现出一个想法：苹果的下落和行星在轨道上的运动可能受到同一普遍定律的控制。在吃完苹果并扔掉果核之前，牛顿已经构思出了关于普遍引力定律的假设。那时距离午夜还有三分钟，所以他匆忙赶去参加“打击贵族学生吸食鸦片委员会”的会议。
牛顿在接下来的几周里一次又一次地思考着他的假设。他利用委员会休会和召开之间抢来的难得时刻，制定了测试假设的计划。经过几年的勤奋研究，他最终能够花费63分钟28秒的时间来制定这个计划。他意识到证明自己的假设需要比他余下的生命时间更多的空闲时间。他必须找到准确的地球表面纬度度量，并发明微积分。
最终，他得出结论，他必须从学院的行政负担中解脱出来。他知道，只要能够确保项目在规定时间内完成，并且费用与项目开始时规定的金额完全相符，就有可能获得国王对一个有明确目标且有价值的研究项目的支持。尽管在这方面缺乏经验，他采取了一个可赞扬的简单方法，给查尔斯国王写了一封只有22个词的简短信，概述了他的假设，并指出了它的深远影响，如果证明正确的话。虽然不清楚国王是否看到了这封信，也许他没有看到，因为他被国家事务和即将发生的战争计划所困扰。毫无疑问，这封信通过途径转交给了所有相关部门的负责人、助手和助手的助手，他们可能会对其发表评论或提出建议。
最终，牛顿的信以及随信附带的大量评论送达了HMPBRD/CINI/SSNBI——国王研究与开发计划委员会、新思想调查委员会、压制非英国思想小组的秘书办公室。秘书立即意识到其重要性，并将其提交给了小组委员会。该委员会投票决定邀请牛顿在新思想调查委员会面前作证。在做出这个决定之前，对于牛顿的想法是否真正代表英国意图进行了一些讨论，但几卷四开页的讨论记录清楚地显示，没有人真正怀疑他的观点。
牛顿在HMPBRD/CINI面前的证词受到了广泛的关注，并被推荐给那些想知道他在那个时候表现如何的年轻科学家。他的学院给予他两个月的无薪休假，研究院长开玩笑地告诉他除非签下一份丰厚的合同，否则不要回来。委员会的听证会对公众开放，吸引了众多观众的参与，尽管有些人可能误以为这是国王上层阶级堕落揭露委员会的地方。
在牛顿宣誓如实陈述并否认自己是国王的反对派成员、曾写过淫秽书籍、去过俄罗斯或勾引过奶妹后，他被要求概述他的提案。牛顿用简洁明了的十分钟即兴演讲，美丽地解释了开普勒定律和他自己的假设，这个假设是由于他偶然看到苹果掉落的情景而提出的。然后，一个委员会成员，一个威风凛凛的人物、一个充满活力的行动者，问牛顿是否有办法改良英国种植的苹果品种。牛顿开始解释苹果并不是他假设的必要部分，但是被其他委员会成员打断，他们一致支持改良苹果的项目。这个讨论持续了几个星期，而牛顿则以他的尊严坐在那里，等待着委员会需要他提供的意见。然而有一天，他稍微迟到了几分钟，发现门被锁上了。他轻轻地敲门，不想打扰委员会的讨论。门被一个卫兵打开，告诉他没有座位了，让他离开。牛顿通过逻辑推断出委员会不再需要他的进一步咨询，于是立即返回学院继续他重要的委员会工作。
几个月后，牛顿惊讶地收到了一份来自HMPBRD/CINI的大包裹。他打开包裹，发现里面装着各种政府表格，每个表格都有五份。作为一个真正的科学家，他天生好奇，于是仔细研究了这些表格。经过一段时间的研究，他得出结论，他被邀请提交一个关于苹果品种、品质和掉落速度之间关系的研究项目合同竞标。他了解到，该项目的最终目标是开发一种口感好且掉落时轻柔无损的苹果。
然而，这与牛顿写信给国王时的初衷并不一样。他是一个实际的人，意识到在执行这个提议的项目时，他可以将自己的假设作为一种副产品进行测试。因此，在这个过程中，他既可以促进国王的利益，又可以为科学做出贡献。
牛顿毫不犹豫地开始填写相关表格。其中一个问卷询问了项目拨款的使用方式。牛顿有些吃惊地发现当前财政年度园艺发展基金中剩余的£12,750 6s. 3d. 被估计为他的项目的总成本。他按部就班地记录了自己的薪酬，并在思考片刻后，添加了一项：“其他工资、差旅、用品和日常费用：£12,750 0e. Od.”
作为一个真正信奉正确行政程序的人，牛顿将填好的表格通过特派信使送给了研究院长，以便透过适当的渠道传递给HMPBRD/CINI。几天后，他的遵循既定程序得到回应，研究院长召唤他并概述了一个更广泛、更宏大的新计划。院长指出，除了苹果，还有樱桃、橙子、柠檬和酸橙等水果都会从树上掉落。因此，他们可以争取一个真正的政府合同，涵盖所有生长在地面上的水果品种。
牛顿开始解释关于苹果的误解，但他决定停下来，不打断院长的发言。院长正在概述他计划组织的一系列会议，参与人员包括果农和各个部门的代表。院长说话时，他的目光开始呆滞，完全没有意识到房间里还有其他人。牛顿当时有一个重要的委员会会议，所以他悄悄地离开了房间，将研究院长留在了他的计划狂热中。
随着季节的更迭，牛顿以各个委员会的成员和一些委员会的主席的身份，过着忙碌而有意义的生活。在一个寒冷的冬日，他再次被召到研究院长的办公室。院长洋洋得意地向牛顿解释说，他们获得了一项新合同，旨在研究地上所有果树品种的品种、质量和摔落速度之间的关系。该项目得到了政府的五个不同部门以及七家大型果农的支持。虽然牛顿在项目中的角色不算太大，但却非常重要：他将负责指导苹果的子项目。
接下来的几周对牛顿来说非常繁忙。虽然他暂时从委员会工作中解脱出来，但他发现自己陷入了一片行政问题的泥潭中。他不得不为政府部门、果农、研究院长、副研究院长和学院财务办公室填写表格。他不得不进行面试，并雇佣研究助手，并与校园其他项目协商办公室和实验室空间。牛顿在子项目的初期阶段展现了他非凡的能力。他亲自填写了大量的表格，经常是五份或六份的副本。他面试了306名牛奶女工，并雇佣了其中的110人作为技术助手。他清理了附近一座废弃的城堡的地牢，作为子项目的总部，并亲自建造了十二座临时建筑，用来容纳他的工作人员。这些建筑现在被用作教室，见证着牛顿事业的发展。
子项目迅速建立、记录和组织起来。尽管牛顿不确定他的转行牛奶女工能为他的假设做出什么贡献，但他相信让员工保持忙碌的重要性。他将他们分成六个小组，每个小组负责测量和记录一种特定苹果品种的下落速度。为确保统计结果的显著性，他们使用了足够数量的苹果。一切进展顺利，只有红汁苹果小组发现了一种制作苹果杰克的新方法，结果苹果用得不够了。牛顿记下了他们的配方，并意识到在科学发现中，偶然性的好处——在寻找其他事物时发现好东西。
在他生活的这个阶段，牛顿找到了幸福和繁荣。从早上醒来到深夜，他筋疲力尽地工作，将白天的时间投入到诸如填写牛奶女工的工资单、订购物品、回答财务办公室的询问以及向嘉宾和研究院院长介绍子项目的参观等任务中。他经常与来自五个政府部门和七个水果种植者的代表进行关于项目过去、现在和未来工作的讨论，他们被派来评估他的进展。他经常被邀请亲自在这十二个赞助商的中央办公室汇报进展情况。此外，他每周写一份全面的进展报告，通过特派信使复制并发送给英国范围内由国王陛下政府赞助的其他3388个项目。
威尔士西部园艺协会博物馆（位于默瑟泰菲尔村）中保存着一份非常卓越且保存完好的报告。这份报告装订在一本深红色的硬封面中，封面上镶嵌着用金箔印刷的项目编号HM2wr3801-g-(293)。报告的目录简洁明了，包括以下部分：
Administration
Conferences
Correspondence
Supplies
Results of research
尽管最后一个部分"研究结果"可能已经遗失多年，或者在当时与国王陛下政府的合同条款中没有明确要求，但其他部分仍然存在，并且能够给阅读它们的人带来欢乐。希望这份报告能够出版，并在我们美国的年轻科学家中传播。这样的出版物对于我们新兴的天才们的士气和灵感可能会产生奇迹般的作用。
1685年的某一天，牛顿原本安排了一个周二下午来接待果树种植联合会的副总裁委员会，但他的日程被一场可怕的车祸打乱了，整个委员会在一起的三节车厢相撞事故中全部罹难。这一消息令牛顿感到恐惧，也给整个英国带来了悲痛。他陷入了停顿。在散步时，他经过葡萄子项目的葡萄园，但要通过大门前必须获得安全许可。就在这段散步中，一个新的、革命性的数学方法突然浮现在他脑海中（他后来写道：“这个想法突然涌现在我脑海中”）。这个方法可以用来解决大球附近的引力问题，牛顿意识到这提供了对他假设的严格检验。他深知，无需用纸笔向自己证明，这个解决方案完全支持他的假设。这一伟大发现让他兴奋不已，但他也保持了谦逊，他跪下向国王表示感谢，因为正是国王的支持使这一发现成为可能。
回程途中，牛顿短暂停在一家书店，不小心将一本书摔到地上。他向店主道歉，店主似乎准备赶他出去，牛顿捡起书并拂去灰尘。这本书竟然是诺伍德的《海员实践》，日期是1636年。他随意翻开书，找到了他需要用于完整测试自己假设的纬度度数的确切信息。几乎瞬间，他的大脑进行了闪电般的计算，呈现出结果供检查。证明是完整而无可辩驳的。牛顿瞥了一眼店主窗户上的沙漏，意识到他应该回到地牢为一天结束签署牛奶女工的时间记录。他急忙带着书匆匆离开书店，却忘记在他的激情中没有付钱。
因此，在牛顿艰难测试他的假设的岁月里，英国政府给予了他支持和鼓励。我们不详述牛顿努力发表他的证明的细节，包括与园艺杂志编辑的误解，以及《后院天文学家》和《家庭主妇物理学》的拒绝。牛顿创办了自己的期刊，确保他的证明能够被原样发表。不幸的是，他给期刊取名为《星球》，这让他被贴上颠覆者的标签，因为“星球”可以被解读为“红星”和“计划”（Plan-It）。牛顿随后在反对非英国思想的小组委员会面前作证，这是对他作为一个天才所具备的非凡品质的强有力证明。最终，他得到了平反，享受了多年应得的声誉，包括每年一天作为苹果节的国王。牛顿在幸福中离世。
A tremendous increase in the number of vigorous young workers in the scientific vineyard has been one of the happiest results of the recent expansion, encouraged and nourished by our Federal Government, of scientific research in this country. These neophytes, left to their own devices by harassed research directors, have often found themselves without adequate guidance through the intricacies of governmental sponsorship. Fortunately, they can find inspiration in the story of Sir Isaac Newton, his development of the law of gravitation, and his experiences as director of the Subproject for Apples of the Fruit Improvement Project, sponsored by His Majesty's Government of Great Britain in cooperation with a syndicate of British fruit-growers.
Few are familiar with the details of Newton's twenty-year search for a proof of his hypothesis: the frustrations and failures, the need for accurate measurements of the earth's radius, and for a mathematical tool that Newton himself was forced to invent, and the integration of his scattered efforts by the splendid organization of the Fruit-Improvement Project. These details have been collected from his Principia, personal letters, notebooks, and other papers, and a series of personal interviews arranged by medium of the author's acquaintance.
In 1665, the young Newton became a professor of mathematics in the University of Cambridge, his alma mater. His devotion to his work and his capabilities as a teacher and friend of the student may be assumed without question. It is well to point out also that he was no dreamy, impractical inhabitant of an ivory tower. His services to his college went far beyond the mere act of classroom teaching. He was an able and active member of the college's curriculum committee, the board of the college branch of the Young Noblemen's Christian Association, the dean's advisory committee on scholarships and awards, the committee for discipline, the grounds committee, the publications committee, the ad hoc committee, and numerous other committees essential to the proper administration of a college in the seventeenth century. An exhaustive compilation of Newton's work along these lines reveals that, during a five-year period, he served on 379 committees, which investigated an aggregate of 7924 problems of campus life and solved 31 of them.
Newton the genius was yet a human being; and though, in energy and ability, he far surpassed the great majority of his fellow men, he found himself ultimately limited in his powers. His unselfish devotion to the important work of his committees absorbed so much time that he was constrained to turn more and more of his teaching duties over to one of his students. He reasoned, quite correctly, that the substitution of a student as a teacher in his place would benefit both the student and the student's students: the former because, in teaching, his own knowledge would be enhanced; and the latter because, in being taught by one near to them in age and interests, they would more eagerly grasp at the scraps of knowledge that came their way. Newton, whose stipend was small, did not spoil this idyllic arrangement by offering pay to his student substitute: a prime example of his sense of values and his restraint. Eventually, when his substitute had proved his ability as a teacher, Newton turned all of the classroom work over to him and was thus able to channel all his tremendous powers into the administrative work of the college.
At about this time, Newton, whose mind was too active ever to let scientific problems recede from his attention, occasionally mulled over the great discoveries of Kepler on planetary motions and the hypothesis advanced by a number of astronomers that these motions were governed by an attraction that varied inversely as the square of the distance between planets. One evening of a crowded day in the year 1680, a committee that was scheduled to meet at eleven o'clock, no earlier time being available, was unable to muster a quorum because of the sudden death from exhaustion of one of the older committee members. Every waking moment of Newton's time was so carefully budgeted that he found himself with nothing to do until the next committee meeting at midnight. So he took a walk—a brief stroll that altered the history of the world.
It was on this excursion into the night air of Cambridge that Newton was struck by a flash of insight which set off a chain of events culminating in his announcement of the law of gravitation to the world in 1686. The season was autumn. Many of the good citizens in the neighborhood of the modest Newton home had apple trees growing in their gardens, and the trees were laden with ripe fruit ready for the picking. Newton chanced to see a particularly succulent apple fall to the ground. His immediate reaction was typical of the human side of this great genius. He climbed over the garden wall, slipped the apple into his pocket, and climbed out again. As soon as he had passed well beyond that particular garden, he removed the apple from his pocket and began munching it. Then came inspiration. Without the prelude of conscious thought or logical process of reasoning, there was suddenly formed in his brain the idea that the falling of an apple and the motions of planets in their orbits may be governed by the same universal law. Before he had finished eating the apple and discarded the core, Newton had formulated his hypothesis of the universal law of gravitation. By then it was three minutes before midnight, so he hurried off to the meeting of the Committee to Combat Opium Eating Among Students Without Nobility.
In the following weeks, Newton's thoughts turned again and again to his hypothesis. Rare moments snatched between the adjournment of one committee and the call to order of another were filled with the formulation of plans for testing the hypothesis. Eventually, after several years during which, according to evidence revealed by diligent research, he was able to spend 63 minutes and 28 seconds on his plans, Newton realized that the proof of his hypothesis would take more spare time than might become available during the rest of his life. He had to find accurate measurements of a degree of latitude on the earth's surface, and he had to invent the calculus.
Finally, he concluded that he must find some relief from his collegiate administrative burdens. He knew that it was possible to get the King's support for a worthy research project with definite aims, provided a guarantee could be made that the project would be concluded in a definite time at a cost exactly equal to the amount stipulated when the project was undertaken. Lacking experience in these matters, he adopted a commendably simple approach and wrote a short letter of 22 words to King Charles, outlining his hypothesis and pointing out its far-reaching implications if it should prove to be correct. It is not known whether the King ever saw this letter, and he may not have, being overwhelmed with problems of state and plans for pending wars. There is no doubt that the letter was forwarded, through channels, to all heads of departments, their assistants, and their assistants' assistants, who might have reason to make comments or recommendations.
Eventually, Newton's letter and the bulky file of comments it had gathered on its travels reached the office of the secretary of HMPBRD/CINI/SSNBI—His Majesty's Planning Board for Research and Development, Committee for Investigation of New Ideas, Subcommittee for Suppression of Non-British Ideas. The secretary immediately recognized its importance and brought it before the subcommittee, which voted to ask Newton to testify before the Committee for Investigation of New Ideas. Some discussion of Newton's idea—as to whether it could really be called British in intent—preceded this decision, but the transcript of the discussion, filling several quarto volumes, clearly shows that no real suspicion ever fell upon him.
Newton's testimony before HMPBRD/CINI is recommended to all young scientists who may wonder how they will comport themselves when the time comes. His college considerately granted him two months' leave without pay while he was before the committee, and the Dean of Research sent him off with a joking admonition not to come back without a fat contract. The committee hearing was open to the public and was well attended, though it has been suggested that many of the audience had mistaken the hearing room of HMPBRD/CINI for that of HMCEVAUC—His Majesty's Committee for the Exposure of Vice Among the Upper Classes.
After Newton was sworn to tell the truth and had denied that he was a member of His Majesty's Loyal Opposition, had ever written any lewd books, had traveled in Russia, or had seduced any milkmaids, he was asked to outline his proposal. In a beautifully simple and crystal-clear ten-minute speech, delivered extemporaneously, Newton explained Kepler's laws and his own hypothesis, suggested by the chance sight of an apple's fall. At this point, one of the committee members, an imposing fellow, a dynamic man of action, demanded to know if Newton had a means of improving the breed of apples grown in England. Newton began to explain that the apple was not an essential part of his hypothesis, but he was interrupted by a number of committee members, all speaking at once in favor of a project to improve apples. This discussion continued for several weeks, while Newton sat in characteristic dignity, waiting until the committee wished to consult him. One day he arrived a few minutes late and found the door locked. He knocked circumspectly, not wishing to disturb the committee's deliberations. The door was opened by a guard who told him there was no more room and sent him away. Newton, with his logical way of reasoning, deduced that the committee did not wish to consult him further, and forthwith he returned to his college and his important committee work.
Several months later, Newton was surprised to receive a bulky package from HMPBRD/CINI. He opened the package and found it contained a variety of governmental forms, each in quintuplicate. His natural curiosity, the main attribute of a true scientist, provoked him into a careful study of the forms. After some time, he concluded that he was being invited to submit a bid for a contract for a research project on the relationship between breed, quality, and the rate of fall of apples. The ultimate purpose of the project, he read, was to develop an apple that not only tasted good but also fell so gently that it was not bruised by striking the ground.
Now, this was not what Newton had in mind when he had written his letter to the King. However, he was a practical man and realized that in carrying out the proposed project, he could test his hypothesis as a sort of side-line or by-product. Thus, he could promote the interests of the King and contribute to science in the process.
Having made his decision, Newton began filling out the forms without hesitation. One of the questionnaires asked how the funds allotted for the project were to be spent. Newton was somewhat taken aback to read that £12,750 6s. 3d., the surplus remaining in the horticultural development fund for the current fiscal year, had been estimated as the total cost of his project. Methodically, he put down his own stipend first, and after a moment's thought, he added the item: "Other salaries, travel, supplies, and overhead: £12,750 0e. Od."
A true believer in correct administrative procedures, Newton sent the completed forms by a special messenger to the Dean of Research, for transmittal through proper channels to HMPBRD/CINI. His adherence to established procedure was rewarded a few days later when the Dean of Research summoned him and outlined a new plan, broader in scope and more sweeping in its conception. The Dean pointed out that not only apples but also cherries, oranges, lemons, and limes fell to the earth, and they might as well obtain a real, government contract to cover all the varieties of fruit that grow above the ground.
Newton started to explain the misunderstanding about the apples but stopped rather than interrupt the Dean, who was outlining a series of conferences he proposed to organize among fruit-growers and representatives of various departments of His Majesty's Government. The Dean's eyes began to glaze as he talked, and he became unaware that anybody else was in the room. Newton had an important committee meeting at that time, so he quietly went out the door, leaving the Dean of Research in an ecstasy of planning.
As the seasons passed, Newton led a busy and useful life as a member of various committees and chairman of some. On a dark winter's day, he was called once again to the office of the Dean of Research. The Dean was beaming with pride as he explained to Newton about the new contract obtained to study the relationship between breed, quality, and the rate of fall of all varieties of fruit that grow above the ground. The project had the support of five different branches of the government and a syndicate of seven large fruit-growers. Newton's role in the project was small but important: he was to direct the Subproject for Apples.
The following weeks were filled with busyness for Newton. While relieved from his committee work, he found himself immersed in a swamp of administrative problems. He had to fill out forms for the governmental departments, fruit-growers, the Dean of Research, the Assistant Dean of Research, and the college's financial office. He had to interview and hire research assistants, and negotiate office and laboratory space from other projects on the campus. Newton's remarkable abilities were fully demonstrated as he navigated his subproject through its initial stages. He personally filled out a staggering number of forms, often in quintuplicate and sextuplicate. He interviewed 306 milkmaids and hired 110 of them as technical assistants. He cleaned out an abandoned dungeon in a nearby castle to serve as subproject headquarters and even built twelve temporary buildings with his own hands to accommodate his staff. These buildings, now used as classrooms, stand as a testament to Newton's career.
Soon, the subproject was fully established, documented, and organized. Although Newton was unsure of what his reconverted milkmaids could contribute to his hypothesis, he believed in keeping his staff busy. He divided them into six teams, each responsible for measuring and tabulating the rate of fall of a specific apple variety. They used enough apples to ensure statistically significant results. Everything progressed smoothly, except for the winesap team, who discovered a new method for making applejack and consequently ran short of apples. Newton made note of their recipe, recognizing the advantages of serendipity in scientific discovery, the finding of good things while searching for other things.
During this period of his life, Newton found happiness and prosperity. From the moment he woke up in the morning until late at night, exhausted from honest labor, he devoted his days to tasks such as filling out payroll forms for his milkmaids, ordering supplies, answering financial office inquiries, and giving tours of his subproject to distinguished visitors and the Dean of Research. He often engaged in discussions about the past, present, and future work of his project with representatives from the five governmental departments and seven fruit-growers who were sent to assess his progress. He was frequently invited to personally present progress reports at the central offices of these twelve sponsors. Additionally, he wrote a comprehensive progress report each week, which was duplicated and sent by a special messenger to 3,388 other projects sponsored by His Majesty's Government throughout the British Isles.
One of these remarkable reports, remarkably well-preserved, can be found in the Museum of the Horticultural Society of Western Wales, in the village of Merthyr Tydfil. Bound in a dark red stiff cover adorned with the project number, HM2wr3801-g-(293), stamped in gold leaf, the report begins with a concise table of contents:
Administration
Conferences
Correspondence
Supplies
Results of research
The last section, "Results of research," may have been lost over the years or may not have been specifically required under the terms of the contracts with His Majesty's Government at that time. Nonetheless, the other sections remain to bring joy to those privileged enough to read them. It is not too much to hope that this report can be published and distributed among our young scientists in America. Such a publication could work wonders for the morale and inspiration of our emerging geniuses.
One day in 1685, Newton's precise schedule was interrupted, through no fault of his own, as he had set aside a Tuesday afternoon to receive a committee of vice-presidents of the fruit-growing syndicate. Much to his horror and Britain's deep sorrow, the news spread that the whole committee had been destroyed in a three-stage coach smashup. Once again, Newton found himself at a hiatus. He took a leisurely walk through the luscious vineyards of the Subproject on Grapes, but not before obtaining security clearance at the gate. While on this walk, a new and revolutionary mathematical approach came to him, seemingly out of nowhere ("Ye thought just burst upon me," he later wrote). This approach could be used to solve the problem of attraction in the neighborhood of a large sphere, and Newton realized that it provided a stringent test of his hypothesis. Moreover, he knew, without needing pen and paper to demonstrate it to himself, that the solution fully supported his hypothesis. We can imagine his elation at this brilliant discovery, but we must not overlook his essential humility, which led him to kneel and offer thanks to the King for making the discovery possible.
On his way back from the walk, Newton briefly stopped at a bookstore where he accidentally knocked a book to the floor. Apologizing to the proprietor, who seemed ready to throw him out, Newton picked up the book and dusted it off. The book turned out to be Norwood's Sea-Mans Practice, dated 1636. Opening it randomly, Newton found the exact information on the length of a latitude degree that he needed for the complete test of his hypothesis. Almost instantaneously, his brain performed lightning calculations, presenting the result for examination. The proof was complete and irrefutable. Glancing at the hourglass in the shopkeeper's window, Newton realized that he was due back at the dungeon to sign the milkmaids' time slips as they checked out for the day. Hurrying out of the bookshop with the book under his arm, he forgot in his zeal that he had not paid for it.
Thus, His Majesty's Government supported and encouraged Newton during the challenging years when he was testing his hypothesis. We won't dwell on the details of Newton's efforts to publish his proof, including the misunderstandings with the editor of the Horticultural Journal, the rejections from The Backyard Astronomer and Physics for the Housewife. It is enough to say that Newton established his own journal to ensure that his proof would be published without any invalidating alterations. Unfortunately, he named it Star and Planet, which led to him being labeled as a subversive, as Star could be interpreted as Red Star and Planet as Plan-It. Newton's subsequent testimony before the Subcommittee for Suppression of Non-British Ideas stands as a compelling demonstration of the remarkable qualities that made him a genius. Eventually, he was vindicated, and after enjoying many years of well-deserved fame, including reigning as King of the Apple Festival for a day each year, Newton passed away happily.
1. https://www.jstor.org/stable/27826356
