【中英双语】身处职场八卦中心，如何化解问题
How to Handle Office Gossip … When It’s About You
by Joseph Grenny
Imagine a colleague of yours, “Beth,” approaches you one day and tells you that “Gareth,” a relatively new member of your team, made disparaging comments about you to her — referring to you as a “lightweight who wouldn’t be in the job if not for getting hired before the company could attract those with credentials.”
假如你的同事贝丝有一天告诉你，你们团队的新成员格瑞在背后诋毁你——“你配不上这份工作，如果不是那时公司在发展初期，吸引不到专业人才，你哪有资格坐在这里。”
Beth reports this in hushed tones, then adds, “He can’t know where you heard it, okay?” What should you do next?
贝丝偷偷告诉了你这些，还补充说：“别告诉他是我说的，好吗？”接下来你该怎么做？
As I’ve written about before, gossip comes in different forms that serve different purposes:
我以前提出过，八卦有不同的形式和目的：
It can be a source of information for those who mistrust formal channels.对不信任正规渠道的人来说，这也是一种信息来源。
It can serve as an emotional release for anger or frustration.可以用来宣泄愤怒或懊恼情绪。
It can be used as an indirect way of surfacing or engaging in interpersonal conflicts可以用来间接反映或挑拨个人恩怨。
It’s this latter form that incites a lot of workplace drama. This kind of gossip is communication minus responsibility. It is a collusive counterfeit to problem solving. In the example above, someone is telling you that you’ve been gossiped about — and they’re using gossip as the vehicle to do so. They’re passing along information on condition of anonymity.
正是最后一种形式挑起了许多职场“宫斗”。这类八卦是不负责任的沟通，不仅不利于解决问题，反而煽风点火，唯恐天下不乱。前面提到的例子中，有人告诉你其他人在背后八卦你，然而他们也在用八卦的方式把这个信息传达给你。这是以匿名的方式在传递信息。
The most crucial moment in addressing gossip like this is not after you hear it, but when you hear it. In an ideal world, Beth would have informed Gareth in the moment that she would need to share the information with you, unless he was willing to do so himself. But given that didn’t happen, you as the subject must decide whether you will continue the gossip or invite responsible communication.
应对此类八卦最关键的时间点是听到八卦时，而不是听完之后。理想状态下，贝丝听到格瑞这么说时，就告诉他会把这些话告诉你，除非他愿意亲口跟你讲。但现实并非如此，你作为主体就必须决定是延续八卦的形式，还是负责任地坦诚沟通。
When you tacitly or explicitly agree to engage in gossip so you can get access to gossip about you, you become part of the problem. You also prevent yourself from taking the only kind of action that could lead to resolution: a candid and respectful dialogue that produces mutual understanding. The way you handle this moment — the instant you’re issued an invitation to participate in gossip — becomes crucial. Here are three things to do when someone else is gossiping about you.
当为了继续听到关于自己的八卦，或心照不宣，或直截同意参与八卦时，你自己就成了问题的一部分，你也切断了唯一能够解决问题的通路：坦诚、彼此尊重地进行对话，以及达成共识。你在这一刻的处理方式，表明愿意参与八卦的这一刻，至关重要。
面对其他人说你八卦的情况时，你可以做以下三件事。
Don’t listen if you can’t act.
如果不能采取行动，就不要听
I adopted an ethic years ago that I always use to set a boundary with those who want to pass along information about another person. When I can see the conversation is headed in the direction of gossip, I politely stop the person and let them know that I’ll likely act on the information I’m given. This helps them understand that speaking implies responsibility and gives them an “out” to decide to keep the information to themselves.
多年前我便学到了一项行为准则，并常常用来与想和我议论其他人的人划清界限。当我察觉到对话要往八卦的方向发展时，我会礼貌地制止对方，让他们知道我在听到八卦后会有所行动。这会让他们意识到讲话是要负责的，也给了他们不继续传播八卦的选择。
In the situation above, Beth has already shared critical information. At this point, you could say, “Thanks for letting me know Gareth has concerns about me. I’ll be discussing that with him. I don’t feel a need to share your name, but he might guess you shared it.” If that makes her nervous, you should still hold your boundary. You might say, for example, “I’m going to address this with Gareth one way or another. If you want a day or so to let him know you shared it with me, you’re welcome to take that time.” If she chooses not to do so, you’re free to move forward.
上述场景中，贝丝已经分享了关键信息。这时你可以说：“谢谢你让我知道格瑞对我有意见，我会跟他谈谈。我不一定会说是你告诉我的，但他可能也会猜到。”哪怕这会令贝丝感到紧张，你也应该坚持自己的立场。比如你可以说：“不管怎样我都会跟格瑞聊聊这件事。如果你想找个机会，让他知道是你告诉了我这些，你可以在我之前先去找他。”如果贝丝不想这么做，你就不必再顾虑她了。
Of course, the risk in this approach is that people will think twice before sharing gossip with you. You may lose access to some information. But if your example positively influences others, you may gain a healthier workplace.
当然，这样做的风险是以后其他人可能不会再跟你八卦，你可能会因此错失一些信息。但如果你的反应对其他人产生了积极影响，或许可以获得一个更健康的职场环境。当务之急是找对问题并加以解决。
Address the right issue first.
首先解决正确的问题
Next is the conversation with Gareth. A gossip episode like this involves two conversations: one about process and one about content.
下一步是与格瑞沟通。这样的八卦通常涉及两个方面：过程与内容。
Most people’s first instinct is to address the process problem — i.e., the fact that Gareth is talking negatively behind your back. You assume the content of the gossip in meritless and move to immediately confront what bothers you most: the inappropriate way he’s peddling his “fabrications.” A better way to proceed is to focus first on the content issue — Gareth’s apparent concerns about your competence — and not the “talking behind my back” issue.
大多数人的第一反应是针对过程，比如格瑞在背后说你坏话这一事实。你会忽略内容本身的价值，迅速转向你最恼火的部分：他在“捏造事实”并四处宣扬。更好的解决方法，是首先关注八卦内容，即格瑞对你的能力有所质疑，而不是“在背后讲你坏话”。
Be humble. Don’t frame the conversation (even implicitly) as “Shame on you for talking behind my back,” but rather as “If I have failed you in some way, I really want to understand it. Or if my skills are coming up short, I need that feedback.”
保持谦逊心态。不要把对话围绕在“背后讲我坏话真无耻”这一点上，哪怕你没有直接说出来，而是应该表明，“我的确想知道我哪里让你失望了。如果我能力有所不足，我需要他人的反馈。”
This approach helps in a number of ways. First, if there is merit to the person’s concerns, you get the benefit of the feedback. Second, you transcend tit-for-tat reactions in a way that might prevent this from escalating into future personal conflict. And third, you demonstrate both openness to feedback and a willingness to hold others accountable in a way that might encourage them to make a better choice the next time they have concerns.
这样做有几点好处。首先，如果别人的担忧不无道理，那么你可以从反馈中受益。其次你没有采取针锋相对的态度，或许可以避免进一步激化个人矛盾。最后，你表现出包容的态度以及希望他人说话负责的意愿，或许能鼓励他们以后有顾虑时，采用更好的沟通方式。
Don’t be deterred if the person starts by claiming misunderstanding or minimizing their statements. Reiterate your desire for feedback and urge them to be forthcoming about any concerns.
如果当事人一上来就表示是误会或弱化他们的表述，也不要退缩。重申你想获得反馈的渴望，并鼓励对方说出心中的担忧。
Discuss the process problem.
讨论过程问题
Only after you’ve explored the other person’s concerns can you productively hold them accountable for the indirect way their feedback came to you. Ask for a commitment that, in the future, you will hear the complaint before others do — and promise them the same yourself. If you’ve humbly solicited feedback in the previous step, you’ll have the moral authority and safety needed to hold them accountable for their bad behavior.
只有在充分了解他人的担忧后，你才能有效地让他们为这种间接反馈意见的方式负责。你可以告诉对方，希望将来再有担忧时第一时间与你沟通，而不是跟其他人宣扬，同时向他们保证你也会这样做。如果你在此之前已经谦逊地向他们征求反馈，现在就有了充分的理由，让他们为错误行为负责。
There is no guarantee that approaching gossip in this way will eliminate it. But it does guarantee that you become part of the solution instead of perpetuating the problem.
这种处理方式虽然无法保证从源头上杜绝八卦的产生，但可以让你成为解决方案的一部分，而不是问题本身。
约瑟夫·格雷尼是《纽约时报》畅销书《决定性对话》（Crucial Conversations）的作者。他也是培训机构VitalSmarts的联合创始人，该公司主要提供沟通、绩效和领导力方面的课程。
