Loneliness 孤独

猛地回头去看，孤独几乎成了我一生的注脚。

Dashing back, loneliness has almost been the footnote of my life.

它在放学后独自游荡的午后，在被一个人关在院子里挤作业的周末，在春节后一个人点炮仗的平房房顶，在和电脑斗智斗勇的《红色警戒》里。

It was there, when I was alone, on the afternoons when I drifted around, at the weekends when I squeezed my homework in the locked backyard, on the flat rooftop where I lit firecrackers after Chinese New Year, and in the game Red Alert where I battled wits and courage with AIs.

随着我的成长，它也在积蓄力量。

It was gaining strength over the time of my growth.

离婚、离开老家、校园霸凌、爷爷的癌症、再次离婚、奶奶离开、青春期的躁动、人际关系的苦恼，我的青春被孤独谱写着。

Divorce, leaving hometown, being bullied, grandpa's cancer, second divorce, grandma's abscence, the restless of adolescence, headaches from relationships, it was loneliness that composed my youth.

大学、工作，情况并没有太多的改善，直到好几年后，我才有勇气回头看去，并从废墟中牵出一条主线——孤独，我现在正在注视的孤独。

College, work, it didn't get much better, until years later, when I summoned enough courage to look back, drawing a thread out of the ruins--loneliness, the one I'm staring at.

现在的我，即便是孤身一人，也已经很少能体验到孤独。就像是二氧化碳之于空气，他已经成为了我的一部分，从注脚变成了某种必然。

Despite being alone, the present I can hardly experience loneliness. It has become a part of me, from a footnote to an inevitable, just like the relationship between carbon dioxide and the air.

今天是我第一次，试图和孤独交朋友。

Today it is the first time that I‘ve attempted to befriend it.

但，我越想靠近它，我就越发觉它的害羞。它就像是童话里的精灵，只会在它想的时候出现。

But, the more I draw close, the more I find it shy. It is like the fairies in a tale, arising only at the desired juncture.

我问自己：“你孤独吗？”

I ask myself:" Are you lonely?"

他说：“不，我并不孤独。我只是……有点悲伤。”

He replies:" No, I'm not. I'm just... a little sad."

“为什么悲伤？”

"But why?"

“因为人们并不理解我，如果他们理解我，就会明白我是一个非常棒的人。”

"Because people don't know me. If they do, they will see what a terrific person I am."

“你觉得人们不喜欢你吗？”

"You think people don't like you?"

“有一点点。”

"A bit."

“你觉得人们为什么不喜欢你呢？”

"Any idea why?"

“我曾经以为我知道原因，现在就越来越不确定了。这倒不是因为之前的想法太离谱，而是人们太复杂了。”

"I used to think I knew, but I've become increasingly uncertain. It is not because my thinkings were less sensible, but that now people seem more complicated."

“每个人都有他自己的麻烦。”

"Everyone has his own troubles."

“麻烦，或者毛病。”

"Troubles, or problems."

“那美好呢？他们身上的闪光点吗？”

"How about merits, their shining glitters?"

“并不多。哦不，我发现，是我不想去承认。在我眼里，似乎装的都是他人的缺点。”

"Not much. Oh no, I've just realized, it is I who don't want to admit: my eyes are filled with their defects."

“他们要非常非常优秀，你才会从心底里去认可，对吧？”

"They have to be very very outstanding before you can recconize them from the bottom of your heart, right?"

“难道我要降低标准吗？你要让我和那些乱七八糟的人交朋友？甚至即便他们不懂得什么是尊重和平等？甚至即便他们一点都不勇敢，只知道逃避？不，我做不到，我不会允许自己那样做的。那是堕落。”

"Should I lower my standards? You really want me to make friends with those farfetched people? Those who can't even understand what respect and equality are? Even though they aren't brave at all and know nothing but withdrawal? No, I can't. I will not allow it. It is degeneration."

“你自己本身也是堕落的啊。”

"But you are degenerated yourself."

“我是被逼无奈！”

"I was pushed to boundaries!"

“谁又何尝不是呢？”

"Who wasn't?"

“果然，还是我自己太狭隘了吗？”

"Fair enough. Was I narrow-minded?"

确实。是我太狭隘了。

Ture, ture. I was narrow-minded indeed.