【心理学译作·双语】3 Ways to Learn to Love Yourself 学习爱自己的三种方式

Many of us believe we already do. Our actions say otherwise.

许多人觉得我们已经学会爱自己了，而我们的行动却恰恰相反。

Posted Jan 17, 2014 |  Reviewed by Matt Huston

写于2014年1月17日 | 由Matt Huston审核

So much popular self-help advice suggests that we must "learn to love ourselves." It’s good advice, but how exactly do we do it?

有许多流行的自助建议说我们必须“学会爱自己”。这当然是明智的，但是具体怎样才能做到呢？

It's not so simple: We often believe that we do love ourselves, and yet our actions and reactions suggest otherwise. Loving yourself is essential to your personal growth, to the fulfillment of your dreams, and to developing healthy, happy relationships with others. Instead of trying to just talk yourself into believing you have self-love, foster compassion for yourself with these three practical steps:

这事没那么简单：我们常常相信我们确实爱自己，但我们的行动和对他人的反应却恰恰相反。爱自己对个人成长、实现理想以及建立健康快乐的人际关系而言是必不可少的。与其尝试让自己相信是爱自己的，不如用以下三个可行的方法来培养对自己的同情心。

1.    Care as much about yourself as you do for others.

像关心别人一样关心自己。

It sounds simple, but many of us simply don’t do this because we think we are being selfish or that our own needs are not important. They are. It is not selfish to care about yourself. Compassion for yourself means showing concern for your own feelings as well as for others. Treat yourself the way you would treat your children or your best friend—with gentleness, concern and caring.

这听起来简单，但许多人不这么做，因为会觉得这样是自私的，或者觉得自己的需求并不重要，但事实上它们是重要的，关心自己也不是自私的。对自己有同情心意味着对你自己的感受乃至他人的感受表现出关切，并用你会对待自己的孩子或挚友那样对待自己（带着亲切，关心与体贴）。

2.    Maintain your boundaries.

划清你的底线。

Write a list of the things that you need emotionally, things that are important to you and that upset you or hurt your feelings when they are ignored or violated. They could include being listened to; getting sympathy when you’re hurt; being celebrated when you succeed; receiving love and tenderness without asking for it; being cared for; and knowing you can rely on someone. Whatever is important to you is important. And when someone ignores what’s important to you or crosses your boundary, you’ll know—because it hurts. Don’t ignore that. your feelings are there to tell you what’s right and what’s wrong.

列一张表，把你情感层面的需要列下来，把对你而言重要的东西列下来，也把那些一旦被忽视或者被侵犯将使你烦恼、受伤的事物列下来。这可以包括被倾听的需要，受伤时被同情的需要，在成功时被庆贺的需要，无需请求便能收获爱与温柔的需要，被关心的需要与知道你能够依赖某人的需要。无论是什么，只要对你而言是重要的，就都是重要的。并且当有人忽视那些重要的事情或者越过了你的底线，你就会意识到——因为这很伤人。不要无视你的感觉，你的感觉会告诉你什么是对的，什么是错的。

Let people know what your boundaries are and what you will and will not tolerate. If they apologize, you can forgive them. If they do not, or continue to ignore your boundaries and needs, you need to create consequences. For example, if you tell your partner that you need him to listen to you and to acknowledge your feelings when you talk about something, but he continuously ignores you or tells you to get over it, you should respond with appropriate action, such as finding someone else to confide in. You may also need to reconsider the relationship. Relationships are meant to be a two-way street and you should be getting your needs for love, acceptance and respect met as much as the other person's. Being assertive and taking action to get your own needs met will build your self-esteem because it will reinforce the belief, in yourself and others, that you deserve to be loved and cherished.

让人们知道你的底线在哪里，你能容忍什么，哪些又是你不能容忍的。如果他们道歉的话，你可以原谅他们。如果他们不道歉，或者继续忽视你的底线，你需要去制造些后果。例如，如果你告诉你的丈夫你需要他去倾听你，在你谈论事物的时候去认可你的感受，但是他却一如既往地忽视你，或者让你别抓着不放了，你应该用恰当的行动来应对，比如找其他人倾诉心声，你也可能需要去重新考虑这段感情。爱情理应是相互的，你和对方一样，都应该满足彼此被爱、被接受和被尊重的需要。保持坚定并采取行动捍卫你的需求将构建你的自尊，因为这将在你自己和他人的心中建立这样一个信念：你值得被爱，值得被珍视。

3.    Do what you need to do to be you.

做自己。

First, figure out what makes you feel good. It doesn’t matter what it is, but become aware of how you feel when you do things. Do you feel exhausted at work, but exhilarated when you’re in the garden? Do you feel joyful reading to your children? Fulfilled when you are writing poetry or volunteering? Find out what makes you feel good and do it, as often as you can. Feeling good is all the permission you need to do what you love to do. And the more you do those things, the happier you will be. If it means you have to give up something else, so be it. Perhaps you need to spend more time on your own or schedule an hour every weekend to visit an art gallery to recharge. Maybe you need to save up some money to buy paints and brushes, or ask your family to look after themselves for a few hours while you take a stress-relieving walk. Perhaps you need to join a club to meet like-minded people who inspire you. Do what you need to do to be you and don’t let anyone blame you, criticize you or talk you out of it because they think you are being selfish, silly, or delusional. Ignore them. You will feel better, you will be better able to really be there for others—and you will like yourself more. You may even love yourself.

首先，搞清楚什么让你感觉良好。是什么不重要，但是你要在做事情的时候关注自己的感受。你是否在工作的时候感到疲惫不堪，但在花园里的时候感到精神抖擞？你是否在给孩子读书的时候感到快乐，在写诗或者做志愿的时候感到充实？找到什么使你感觉良好，然后尽可能多地做这件事。感觉良好是你追寻自己所爱需要的唯一许可，并且做得越多，你就会变得越开心。如果这意味着你要去放弃一些东西，那就随它去吧。或许你需要花费更多的时间独处，或者每个周末排出一个小时的时间逛逛艺术馆来充电；或许你需要存点钱给自己买颜料和刷子、请求你的家人照顾自己几个小时，好让你散散步放松身心；或许你需要加入一个俱乐部去结识能欣赏你的人。去做自己，不要让任何人责备你，批评你或者劝你别那么做，仅仅因为他们觉得那是自私的，愚昧的或者妄想的。无视他们，你将感觉更好，你将能更好的为他人着想，并且你能更喜欢自己，你甚至可能爱自己。

All of these things can help you to develop a sense of accomplishment, a sense of pride in what you are doing and who you are, and a realization that you are a worthy, talented, capable, lovable person who deserves to be loved. And the most important person to believe that is you.

所有这些都能帮助你培养一种成就感，一种对自己所作的事情和自己本身的自豪感，并使你意识到自己是一个有价值的、有才华的、有能力的且可爱的人。你值得被爱，而最应该相信这点的人正是你。

原文地址：

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/sense-and-sensitivity/201401/3-ways-learn-love-yourself