【摘录向】“天知道她已经不再是我的囚徒，我想要的是她心甘情愿地留在这里”｜...
1.我已经跟着她好几天了。我知道她在哪里买食品杂货、在哪里干洗衣物、在哪里上班工作。我从没和她说过话，听不出她的声音，也不知道她眼睛的颜色，或者她害怕时流露的眼神。但我会知道的。
“I’ve been following her for the past few days. I know where she buys her groceries, where she has her dry cleaning done, where she works. I don’t know the color of her eyes or what they look like when she’s scared. But I will.”
2.我几乎都肯定你看到了我。你站稳脚跟找钥匙，开门进楼，走到我看不见的台阶上。我看到你窗户里的灯光亮了起来，照出了你的影子。我想象着你可能会在屋内做些什么，想象着自己与你一起待在屋内。如果我可以不必做这件事情，一切会如何呢？
I was almost certain you saw me. You dug in your shoe for a key and let yourself in,up the steps where I couldn’t see you. I saw the light in your window and your silhouette. I imagined what you might be doing inside. I imagined myself in there with you, what it would be like if it didn’t have to be like this.
3.然而我不会告诉她，她在第一晚看起来有多美。我看着她独自坐在酒吧，暗淡的光线和香烟的烟雾笼罩着她的脸。其实我不需要看她那么久，我只是在纯粹地欣赏。我没有告诉她，蜡烛把她照得艳丽夺目，她远比照片上美得多。这些我都没有告诉她。
What I don’t tell her is how beautiful she looked that first night. How I watched her sitting alone at the bar, masked by the faded lights and cigarette smoke. I watched her longer than I needed to for the pure pleasure of it. I don’t tell her how the candle made her face glow, how the photograph I was given didn’t do her justice. I don’t tell her any of it.
4.最初那一晚在我的公寓里，她很美。她用充满信任的蓝眼睛看着我，丝毫料想不到我会干这样的事情。
She was beautiful that first night, in my apartment. She watched me with these unsuspecting blue eyes, never thinking for a minute that I had it in me to do this.
5.那一晚她喝了不少酒，但还没有醉到不省人事的地步。她清醒地知道自己在做什么，她很喜欢我的触碰。当然，这是在她知道我真正的身份之前。
She had a few drinks that night, but she was lucid enough to know what she was doing, to welcome my hands on her. Of course, that was long before she knew who I really was.
6.她认为一切都是因为她，可这事压根就跟她没有关系。她是人质，是傀儡，是待宰的羔羊。
She thinks it’s all about her. It doesn’t have a thing to do with her. She’s a pawn, a puppet, a sacrificial lamb.
她的目光很沉着，看起来疲惫但却不慌不忙。真美，我想，她那双蓝眼睛真美。然后我强迫自己忘掉这样的想法，我不能有这种该死的想法。至少不能是现在。
Her eyes are steady. Tired, but steady. Pretty, I think. She has pretty blue eyes. But then I force the thought from my mind. I can’t think about shit like that. Not right now.
7.她看着我，我好奇她看到的是怎样一个人，她认为她看到的又是怎样一个人。她觉得我不在乎她的冷漠，但她错了。
She’s watching me and I wonder what it is she sees. What she believes she sees. She thinks I’m numb to her indifference, but she’s wrong.
8.她拒绝拉开窗帘，拒绝接纳屋外的世界。她喜欢黑暗，在黑暗里她可以相信一天二十四小时全是黑夜，这样她就能沉浸在自己的悲伤里。
She refuses to open the curtains and accept the world into the room. She likes it dark, where she can believe it’s nighttime twenty-four hours a day and succumb to her depression.
9.她讨厌我身上的一切。我知道。我能从她的眼睛里看出来。她讨厌我站着的样子，讨厌我的脏头发和下巴上的一圈胡茬。她讨厌我的手，看它们用平底锅煎蛋的样子是多么丑。她讨厌我看她的样子，讨厌我说话的语调和我嘴里吐出的词。
她最讨厌的，是看到我口袋里的枪。这把枪无时无刻不在胁迫着她乖乖听话。
She hates everything about me. I know it. I see it in her eyes. She hates the way I stand. She hates my dirty hair and the stubble that now coats my chin.She hates my hands, watching the way they stir the eggs in the skillet. She hates the way I look at her. She hates the tone of my voice and the way my mouth forms the words.
Most of all, she hates seeing the gun in my pocket. All the time, making sure she behaves.
10.她的双腿和被单纠缠在一起，身体想逃离我声音的方向，双脚却没来得及跟上。她摔倒在硬木地板上。她试图用脚挣脱被单，身体尽可能地远离我。她缩到墙边，颤抖的手紧紧抓住床铺.
Her legs get tangled in the sheets. Her feet are lost though her body runs away from the sound. She falls to the hardwood floor. Her feet fight the sheet to find the floors. Her body thrusts itself as far away from me as she can. She backs herself into the wall, the bedding clutched in a shaking hand.
11.恐惧把她留在了我的视线范围内。她是可以逃跑的，但是她无处可去。
It’s fear that keeps her within my line of sight. She could make a run for it, but there’s nowhere to go.
12.我不知道我们这样过了多少天，我已经忘记了时间。我试图去想什么时候是周一，什么时候是周二，但最终，日子开始变得糊里糊涂。每一天都是一样的她躺在床上直到我强迫她起床，坐下和我一起吃早餐然后她拉把椅子到窗边，坐下盯着外面看，想着心事做着白日梦，渴望去除了这里以外的任何地方。
I don’t know how many days we do this. I’ve lost track. I tried to remember when it was Monday and when it was Tuesday. Eventually the days began to blur. Every day is the same. She lies in bed until I make her get up. We force down breakfast. Then she sits on a chair she pulls up to the window. She stares outside. Thinks. Daydreams. Longs to be anywhere but here.
13.她拒绝和我进行眼神交流，尽管我很肯定她知道我在看她。每搬一个来回她就试着走得更远一些，她的蓝眼睛牢牢锁定湖的方向，自由的方向。
She refuses to make eye contact with me, though I’m certain she knows I’m watching. With every passing load she ventures farther and farther away, her blue eyes locked steadfast on the lake. Freedom.
14.她眼神空洞，表情茫然。她曾经艳若桃李，肌如凝脂，是我见过的最美的人。而现在，她脸上的红润似乎全然消失，苍白得如同女鬼。我们说话的时候她从不看我，她的视线从我身上掠过，但从不会正视我大多数时候她都低垂着头，看着脚、看着手，避免和其他人对视。
Her eyes are hollow, her expression vacant. She has the most unflawed peaches-and-cream complexion I believe I’ve ever seen, but the peaches seemed to have disappeared and now she is all cream, white as a ghost. She doesn’t look at me when we speak; she looks past me or through me, but never at me. She looks down much of the time, at her feet, her hands,anything to avoid another’s gaze.
15.我们肩并肩地站着，什么都没说。我的外套摩擦着她的手臂，她退开了一步。我想知道，她到底能不能把这一切画完，把这幅景象画在她的速写本里：蓝色湖泊的形状、满地的落叶、深绿的松树、常青的乔木和辽阔的天空。她是否画了把树木上仅剩的落叶猛然刮下的飓风？是否画了那些侵吞着我们双手和耳朵的冷空气？
We stand side by side without saying a thing. My coat brushes her arm and she steps away. I wonder if she could ever get this right. This scene. In her sketch pad. The shape of the blue lake and the leaves spilled across the ground. The forest-green pine and evergreen trees. The enormous sky. Could she ever get the wind whipping through the remains of trees? Could she draw the cold air that eats at our hands and ears until they burn?
16.有一瞬间她求我放她走，我告诉她闭嘴，我不想听到这话。现在她开始哭泣，泪水不停地流，哭得一塌糊涂。她求我放她走，反复问着：我们要去哪儿？
For a split second she begs me to let her go. I tell her to shut up. I don’t want to hear it. By now she’s crying. Now the water works have begun and she’s a blubbering mess, begging me to let her go. She asks again: Where are we going?
17.“那就放我走吧。”
“我不能。”我拿下一件运动衫，把它摊平在我脚边的枪旁。炉火使室内很温暖，至少炉边是暖和的。卧室很冷，她睡觉时穿着一层层的衣物：秋裤、运动衫和袜子。但仍然冻得发抖，要过很久才能睡着。
我知道，因为我去看过她。
“Then let me go.”
“I can’t.” I remove a sweatshirt and lay it beside the gun on the floor at my feet. The fire keeps the cabin warm, here at least. The bedroom is cold. She sleeps layered, long johns and a sweatshirt and socks, and still she shivers until long after she’s fallen asleep.
I know because I’ve watched her.
18.我睡不着，这不是我第一次失眠。我试图数羊、数猪，什么都行，现在我在屋里来回踱步。每个夜晚都很难熬，每个夜晚我都在想她，但今晚更糟糕，因为我手表上的日期提醒我，这是她的生日。
I can’t sleep, and this isn’t the first time. I tried counting sheep, pigs, whatever, and now I’m pacing the room. Every night is hard. Every night I’m thinking about her. But tonight it’s worse because the date on my watch reminds me that it’s her birthday. And I’m thinking about her all alone back home.
19.她没有说谢谢这类词——请，谢谢，对不起——是和解的标志，我们并没有到那一步。也许我们永远都不会和解。她拿着笔记本凑近自己。我不知道我为什么这么做。但我不想再看到她盯着那该死的窗户，于是我花了五美元买了纸张和铅笔。这些鬼玩意儿应该会让她开心点。
She doesn’t say thanks. Words like that—please, thank you, I’m sorry—are signs of peace and we’re not there yet. Maybe we’ll never be. She holds the notebook close to her. I don’t know why I did it. I was sick of watching her stare out the damn window, so I spent five dollars on paper and pencils and it seems to have made her fucking day.
20.当我回去的时候，她跑下积雪覆盖的台阶，迅速从我手里抱走了那只该死的猫。
她大喊着说她不会离开，责骂我居然威胁一只猫。
“我怎么知道你不会逃走？”我问。
When I come back, she’s running down the snow-covered steps to whisk the damn cat from my hands.
She’s yelling about how she wouldn’t have left. She’s cursing me forthreatening the cat.
“How the hell would I know?” I ask.
21.但这并不全是真话。 如果我想让自己清静一会儿我可以买更多的绳子把她绑在浴室水槽边。如果我想让她闭嘴，我可以用胶带封上她的嘴。
但如果我是想弥补罪过，我就会给她买速写本。
But it isn’t entirely the truth.
If I wanted her out of my hair I would have bought more rope to tie her tothe bathroom sink. If I wanted her to shut up, I would have used duct tape.
But if I wanted to atone, I would have bought her that sketch pad.
22.我们除了坐在那里大眼瞪小眼以外，并没有什么别的事可做。因此当她说她想给我画像的时候，我同意了。反正我也没有其他事可干。
她让我站到炉火边，替我摆姿势，冰冷的手按在我的胸口上。她压低我的身子让我坐到地板上。
There isn’t a damn thing to do but sit and stare at each other. So when she said she wanted to draw me I said okay. There isn’t anything else to do.
She places me beside the fire. She presses her frigid hands to my chest. She lowers me into place, on the floor.
23.我思考了所有可能出错的环节。饥饿，寒冷，被达尔马找到，被警察发现。回家有危险，留在这儿也有危险。我知道这点，她也知道。但我现在更担心的却是，她不能跟我在一起。
I think of all the things that could go wrong. Starving. Freezing. Being found by Dalmar. Being found by the police. There’s danger in returning home. There’s danger in staying here. I know it. She knows it. But my bigger concern now is not having her with me.
24.我转头看向女孩。现在她的机会来了，我想。她可以告诉这个妇女真相，告诉她有个疯子绑架了她，把她囚禁在这座小屋里。我屏住呼吸，等着各种可能出错的环节。
My eyes drift to the girl. Now’s her chance, I think. She could tell the woman. Tell her how this crazy person kidnapped , how he’s holding her captive in this cabin. I hold my breath, waiting for any number of things to go wrong.
25.我可以感受到她心脏的跳动，感受到自己的血液涌上耳朵。我敢肯定她也听到了我血液沸腾的声响。
I can feel the rhythm of her heart pressing against me. I can feel the blood pulsing through my own ears. It’s loud enough I’m sure she hears.
26.我们就这样忘却了外界的一切，这里什么都不重要，重要的只有我们两个。
We fall into oblivion this way, into a world where nothing matters. Nothing but us.
27.我们在屋子两头相互打量着，将对方的一切都尽收眼底，一时忘却了呼吸。
她温顺地走向我，双手小心翼翼地触碰我。
上一次我推开了她，但上一次情况不同。
当时她不是现在这个女人。
我也不是现在这个男人。
We stare at each other across the room, taking it all in. Reminding ourselves to breathe.
When she comes to me, she moves humbly. Her hands touch with caution.
The last time I pushed her away, but the last time was different.
She was a different woman.
I was a different man.
28.我朝她走去，伸手拂过她的长发，抓住她脑后的几缕发丝。我注视着她，扶住她，看她的眼睛是否流露出一丝想要留在这儿的意愿，哪怕只有一瞬间。她很久没来过这类地方了，她已经忘记了被一个人这么注视是怎样的感觉。她吻了我，将离开的念头抛诸脑后。
I walk to her and run a hand down the length of her hair, grasping the strands at the base of her skull. I stare at her, placing her upon a pedestal, and see in her eyes how she wishes, if only for a moment, to stay there. It’s a place she hasn’t been for quite some time. She forgot how it felt to have someone stare that way. She kisses me and forgets altogether about leaving.
29.那双手仍记得她手指的触感和背部的轮廓。她以一种我之前从未见过的目光注视着我，这样的眼神我没有在其他任何女人身上见过。信任、尊重、渴望。我默默记住她脸上的每个雀斑和瑕疵，记住她耳朵的轮廓并伸手抚摸她嘴唇的弧度。
They memorize her fingers and the shape of her back. She stares at me with this look I’ve never seen before, not on her or any other woman. Trust. Respect. Desire. I commit to memory every freckle, every blemish on her face. I learn the shape of her ears and run a finger across the arch of her lips.
30.她嵌入我身体的每个缝隙，直到我们合二为一。我的头枕在她纠结在一起的深金色头发上。我凑得那么近，她都能感受到我呼出的热气喷在她的肌肤上，这让她确信我们两个都还活着，尽管我们内心几乎都已无法呼吸。
She falls into every gap there is until we become one. I rest my head onto a mat of dirty blond hair, close enough that she can feel the exhalation of air on her skin, reassuring her that we’re alive though inside, we can hardly breathe.
31.我醒来的时候她已经离开。我不再能感受到她紧贴着我的情形。我若有所失，尽管在不久之前，我根本就没有东西可以失去。
She’s gone when I wake up. I no longer feel her pressed into me. Something is missing, though it wasn’t that long ago that there was nothing there.
32.她教我用西班牙语数到一百。我教她跳狐步舞。等湖面完全冻住的时候，我们就去冰上钓鱼。我们从不会在外面待太久。她不喜欢干看着，因此她会在湖面上走着，像摩西分海那样。她喜欢那最新飘落的雪有时候地面上会有动物的脚印，有时候我们会听到远处传来雪地车的声音。当她被冻僵的时候，她会回到屋里去。那时候我会觉得很孤独。
She teaches me to count to a hundred in Spanish. I teach her the fox-trot.When the lake freezes completely over, we ice fish. We never stay out long.She doesn’t like to watch. So she walks on the lake as if Moses has parted the waters for her. She likes the newly fallen snow. Sometimes there are animal prints. Sometimes we hear snowmobiles in the distance. When she’s frozen solid she goes in. And then I feel alone.
33.天知道她已经不再是我的囚徒。我想要的是她心甘情愿地留在这里。
God knows she’s no longer my prisoner. What I want is for her to want to be here.
34.完美的不是灯，是她看我的眼神，是她念我的名字，是她抚摸我头发的样子（尽管我认为她不是有意识这么做），是她一夜夜躺在我身边，是我心里感受到的圆满无缺。完美的是她不时的微笑和大笑，是我们肆无忌惮的聊天，或者是并肩坐几个小时的沉默无言。
What is perfect is the way she looks at me, and the way she says my name.The way her hand strokes my hair, though I don’t think she knows she’s doing it. The way we lay together night after night. The way I feel: complete. What is perfect is the way she sometimes smiles and she sometimes laughs. The way we can say anything that comes to mind, or sit together for hours in absolute silence.
35.这种关系一点都不轻佻。我们不会调情，我们超越了这样浅薄的感情；我们不会追忆过往的恋情试图让对方嫉妒；我们不会给彼此起昵称，不会提起“爱”这个词。
There is nothing frivolous about it. We don’t flirt. We’re beyond that. We don’t dredge up past relationships. We don’t try and make the other jealous.We don’t create pet names. We don’t mention the word love.
36.她像看疯子一样看我，好像只有疯狂的乡巴佬才会自己砍圣诞树。但后来，她的迟疑不见了。她对我说：“我一直都想自己砍一棵圣诞树。”她的眼睛像孩子般亮了起来。
She looks at me like I’m nuts, like only some crazy hick would cut their own Christmas tree. But then I see that hesitation flee. She says to me, “I’ve always wanted to cut my own Christmas tree.” Her eyes light up like a child’s.
37.整个世界都安静下来。一切都很平静。我确信我之前从未经历过如此完美的夜晚。她告诉我，她很难相信外面世界的某处在打仗，人们在挨饿，孩子被虐待。我们远离了文明。她说：“就像被孩子翻过来的玻璃雪花球里的两个装饰小人。”我想象着这种场景我们在陶瓷堆里跋涉，而闪烁的雪花环绕着我们。
The entire world is quiet. Everything is at peace. I’m sure I’ve never experienced a night as perfect as this before. She tells me that it’s impossible to believe that somewhere out there, the world is at war. People are starving.Children are being abused. We’re removed from civilization, she says, “Two tiny figurines in a snow globe that some child has turned over.” I picture it: us trudging across ceramic mounds while glittery snow encircles us in our own bubble.
38.我告诉她，如果我能选择，我会住在某个类似这儿的地方，某个荒郊僻壤。城市不适合我，也不适合所有这些不幸的人。
I tell her that if it were up to me I’d live somewhere like this, in the middle of God knows where. The city isn’t for me, all those damn people.
40.诚实的回答是，我在绑架她前曾花时间在网上搜索她的信息。但我不想告诉她那个，她不需要知道在绑架她之前，我是如何跟踪了她好几天的。我跟着她上下班，从她卧室的窗户窥视她。“我调查过。”
Time spent on the internet before I took her, that’s the honest answer. But I don’t want to tell her that. She doesn’t need to know how I tracked her for days before the abduction, following her to and from work, watching her through her bedroom window. “Research.”
41.她把一切都留给我去操心。她说之前从没有人为她担心过。
She lets me be the one to worry. She says there’s never been someone to worry about her before.
42.我几乎都能听到她脑海里充斥着的那个讨厌声音：克洛伊，我的名字叫克洛伊。她的蓝眸紧紧盯着我的眼睛。我眼眶泛红，强忍泪水。
She shakes her head, and I can all but hear the bothersome thought that runs through her mind: Chloe. My name is Chloe. Her blue eyes are glued to my own, which are red and watery from holding back tears.
43.“我很嫉妒她，真的。嫉妒死了，嫉妒她在外面的某个地方被人深深爱着，远比我家人爱我要多。”她犹豫了一下，然后说：“这很疯狂，我知道。”
“I was jealous of her, really. Jealous that she was dead,jealous that somewhere, out there, someone loved her more than they loved me.” She hesitates, then says, “It’s crazy. I know.”
44.“克洛伊。”他用镇定的声音说。她说那是一种很温和、很舒心的声音，哪怕她确信他们都知道，他完全可以从她猛烈颤抖的双手中抢过枪杀死她。可是他并没有这么做。“我做了鸡蛋。”他说。
然后梦就醒了。
“Chloe,” he says with this tranquilizing voice. She says that it is gentle and reassuring and even though she’s certain they both know he could yank the weapon from her convulsing hands and kill her, he doesn’t try. “I made eggs.”
And then she wakes up.
45.米娅不喝咖啡，她完全不喝带咖啡因的饮品，这让她神经紧张。但当我看到她小口抿着咖啡，全然一副死气沉沉、慵慵懒懒的样子，我心里祈祷着，也许少量咖啡因会对她有好处。我很想知道，我面前这个沉闷疲惫的女子是谁，我认识她的脸，却毫不理解她的一举一动、语音语调和那如同气泡般包裹着她的恼人沉默。
Mia doesn’t drink coffee. She doesn’t drink much caffeine at all. It makes her nervous. But I watch her sip from the mug, completely stagnant and sluggish, and think—wish—that maybe a little caffeine will do the trick. Who is this limp woman before me, I wonder, recognizing the face but having no knowledge of the body language or tone of voice or the disturbing silence that encompasses her like a bubble.
46.“这是什么意思？衣服、食物、武器——枪支、炸 弹、刀子———艺术家的画架和水彩画工具？要我说，”她说着，顺手拿过米娅手中的速写本，“这个就很不寻常。绑匪才不会让他的人质用廉价的再生纸速写本把证据画下来呢。”她转向米娅，一针见血地说：“如果他静坐了那么久，米娅，久到你足够画下这幅画，那你为什么不逃跑呢？”
“This is out of the ordinary. A kidnapper doesn’t normally allow his abductee to draw the evidence on a cheap, recycled sketch pad.” She turns to Mia and presents the obvious. “If he sat still this long, Mia, long enough for you to draw this, then why didn’t you run?”
47.“也许她被吓坏了，也许她无处可逃。那个小屋在一片广阔的荒野中央，而冬季的明尼苏达州北部又几乎是一座废弃的城市。她没有地方可以去。他会找到她把她抓回去，那么然后呢？然后会发生什么？”
“Maybe she was scared. Maybe there was nowhere to run. The cabin was in the middle of a vast wilderness, and northern Minnesota in the winter verges on a ghost town. There would have been nowhere to go. He might have found her, caught her and then what?Then what would have happened?”
48.我小心地限制着米娅的行为，不确定她需要多少私人空间，但绝不愿给予她过度的自由。我能从她的每个手势、表情和站姿里看出病态，她不再是我认识的那个充满自信的米娅。我明白，她经历过很可怕的事情。
I’m careful to give Mia elbow room, not quite certain how much she needs, but absolutely certain I don’t want to overstep. I see her malady in every gesture and expression, in the way she stands, no longer brimming with self confidence as the Mia I know used to be. I understand that something dreadful has happened to her.
49.她私下对我承认，这日子她过不下去。当她清醒的时候，她不会这样说；但当她哭泣，迷失在绝望中时，她想到了死亡，用所有的方法杀死自己。她跟我罗列了各种自杀的方式。我告诉自己，我绝不能让她独自待着。
She admits to me in confidence that she can’t go on. She doesn’t say it when she’s lucid, but when she’s sobbing, lost in despair. She thinks about death, of all the ways to kill herself. She lists them for me. I tell myself that I’ll never leave her alone.
50.当她夜里上床睡觉的时候，我听到她辗转反侧，听到她哭着叫他的名字。我站在她卧室门外，想赶走她的噩梦，但我知道我没办法。加布说，我什么都做不了，只要在那里陪着她就够了。
她说她可以把自己在浴缸里淹死。
她可以用菜刀割腕。
她可以把头伸进火炉里。
她可以从防火梯上跳下去。
她可以在夜里走下L线列车的站台。
When she goes to bed at night, I hear her toss and turn. I hear her cry and call his name. I stand outside her bedroom door, wanting to make it go away,but knowing I cannot. Gabe says that there isn’t anything I can do. Just be there for her, he says.
She says she could drown herself in the bathtub.
She could slice an artery with a kitchen knife.
She could stick her head into the stove.
She could jump from the fire escape.
She could walk onto the “L” platform at night.
51.“之前从没有人给过我一棵树。”
“No one’s ever given me a tree before.”
终其一生我都在渴望一个可以照顾我的人 现在他来了，我不打算放手
I spent my entire life desperate for someone to take care of me. And there he was.
I wasn’t about to let that go.
