【中英双语】当老板有负于你，你该怎么做
没什么事情比我们信任之人辜负自己更令人受伤的了。当那个人就是我们的老板、一个影响我们的职业道路和生计的人时，痛苦可能更甚。无论是你牺牲了数月时间完成的项目被他们抢去了功劳、答应你的晋职机会却给了别人，还是因为别人的错误而公开羞辱你，他们的负你之举都影响深远。
Fewer things hurt more than being Betrayed by someone we trust. When that person is our boss, someone who impacts our career paths and livelihoods, the pain can be amplified. Whether they took credit for a project you sacrificed months to complete, gave a promotion they promised you to someone else, or publicly shamed you for someone else’s mistake, the consequences of the Betrayal are far-reaching.
老板的辜负会妨碍我们信任他人、在困难时期保持乐观和韧性，以及准确判断复杂情况的能力。我们的大脑通常把他们的辜负当成精神创伤来处理，而且我们预计那种创伤会卷土重来。由于受伤和戒备之心，我们有时会做出本是出于自我保护、但却造成意外后果的行为。这种事发生的时候，我们应该担心的不是老板的举止，而是我们自己的行为。
Boss Betrayal can hinder our ability to trust others, remain optimistic and resilient during difficult times, and accurately judge complex situations. Our brains often process Betrayal as trauma, and we expect that trauma to be repeated. Hurt and guarded, we sometimes engage in behaviors that are meant to be protective but have unintended consequences. When this happens, it’s not our boss’s behavior that should concern us. It’s our own.
虽然你也许不能够改变你的老板，但是你却可以防止他们的不当行为让你发生不利的改变。以下方法是用以防范你变成自己永远无意成为的那种人。
While you may not be able to change your boss, you can keep their bad behavior from harmfully changing you. Here are ways to guard against the risks of becoming someone you never intended to be.
坚持你的价值观。据《职场中的信任与辜负》(Trust and Betrayal in the Workplace)一书的作者丹尼斯·雷纳(Dennis Reina)所言，85%的职场辜负都是无意为之。可是仅仅因为老板不会故意负人并不会减少这种经历。有时你可以向未能意识到自己行为后果的老板表示关切。他们真心的悔悟和纠正错误的承诺可以重建信任，甚至让你们的关系更加牢固。
Hold fast to your values. According to Dennis Reina, author of Trust and Betrayal in the Workplace, 85% of workplace Betrayal is unintentional. But just because a boss didn’t mean to Betray someone doesn’t lessen the experience. Sometimes you can raise concerns with a boss who failed to realize the consequences of their actions. Their genuine remorse and commitment to make things right can restore trust, and even make your relationship stronger.
可是如果你的老板经常性地辜负你的信任，那么很重要的一点是要确保你在回应的时候不会无意识地败坏了自己的行为。研究表明，如果你的老板行为不当，你更有可能跟风效仿。只要你必须在那位老板手下干活，你就务必明确你希望支配自己行为的价值观，对于你认为会让你放弃价值观的东西，你的态度必须坚决。比如，如果你看重包容，想想哪些行为会让别人感觉遭到排斥，并且监控自己的行为，保证你没有做那些事。你如何尊重他人、如何分享思想、如何给予应得的赞扬，甚至如何谈论自己的贡献，所有这一切都受你的价值观左右。不要让老板有悖于那些价值观的行为致使你找到放弃它们的理由。
But if your boss has routinely Betrayed your trust, it’s important to ensure you aren’t unconsciously corrupting your own behavior in response. Research indicates that if your boss behaves badly, you are more likely to follow suit. As long as you have to function under this boss, be clear on the values you want to govern your behavior and resolute on what compromising them would constitute. For example, if you value inclusion, think about what actions make others feel excluded, and monitor your behavior to make sure you aren’t doing them. How you show respect to others, how you share ideas, how you give credit where it’s due, and even how you talk about your contributions are all informed by your values. Don’t let your boss’s contradiction of those values lead you to justify compromising them.
注意老板负人的方式。对于容忍老板辱骂行为的人来说，最终得出结论认为自己活该挨骂的情形十分普遍。与家庭暴力的受害者类似，企业形式的斯德哥尔摩症候群开始出现，你最终会认为老板的辜负是正常的。你可以通过发现老板负人的方式来抵御这样的事情，并尽可能多地进行干扰。如果他们未能信守诺言，那就好好记录下他们对你的承诺。如果他们拿你做的工作邀功，你要确保重要的利益相关者将你的名字与相关项目关联起来。即使没有别的作用，这样做也有助于你保持某种程度的心理健康，使你的自我认知与老板的行为相隔离。
Pay attention to patterns of Betrayal. It’s common for people who tolerate abusive behavior from bosses to eventually conclude they deserve it. Similar to what can happen to victims of domestic violence, a form of organizational Stockholm syndrome sets in, and you eventually come to expect Betrayal as normal. You can resist this by detecting your boss’s patterns of Betrayal and interrupting them as much as possible. If your manager fails to keep promises, keep their commitments to you well-documented. If they take credit for your work, make sure important stakeholders associate your name with relevant projects. If nothing else, this will help preserve some measure of your psychological health and keep your self-perception separate from your boss’s behavior.
秉持宽恕而非报复之心。希望让你的老板为其负人之举付出代价是很自然的事。你或许甚至幻想着如何破坏他们的成功。永远不要堕落到他们的水平，哪怕存在这样做的机会。与我合作的一家公司里，员工反感他们的老板程度之深，以至于他们散布可怕却又可信的谣言，并且故意在他们的描绘中添油加醋。当然，这样做最终自食其果，员工丢掉了工作。
Practice forgiveness, not retaliation. It’s natural to want to make your boss pay for their Betrayal. You may even fantasize about sabotaging their success. Never stoop to their level, even when opportunities to do so become available. In one organization I worked with, an employee grew to resent their boss so much that they spread horrible, but believable, rumors about the boss and inserted incorrect data into their presentations. Of course, this eventually boomeranged, costing the employee their job.
如果你允许报复举动渗透进你的行为，别人最终也会识破，得出的结论是你和你厌恶的老板一样可恶。对于复仇的痛苦，最佳的解药是同情与宽恕。尽管这感觉可能有点难，但是放弃你的报复权利——恰好是宽恕的定义——才是你最大的利益。
If you allow vengeful actions to leak into your behavior, others will inevitably find out, concluding you are just as detestable as the boss you loathe. The best antidote to vengeful bitterness is compassion and forgiveness. As hard as it may feel, forfeiting your right to retaliate — the very definition of forgiveness — is in your best interest.
可是这并不意味着你必须否认你的愤怒。写日记可以成为有益的工具。写下你对老板行为以及你的相应举措有何感受。也许他们的辜负让你觉得能力不足或者被人利用。学会将他人的选择如何带给我们感受与事实区分开来是宽恕的第一步。退后一步，承认自己并不低人一等或者不可利用，这就开始让你与那些感觉产生距离。到某个时候，你的老板会亲眼看到他们是多么的令人不快以及他们给人带来的苦恼。
But this doesn’t mean you have to deny your anger. Journaling can be a helpful tool here. Write down how you are feeling about your boss’s actions and yourself as a result. Perhaps their Betrayal made you feel inadequate or exploited. Learning to separate how others’ choices make us feel from what’s actually true is the first step to forgiving. Stepping back and acknowledging that you aren’t inferior or exploitable begins to create some distance from those feelings. At some point, your boss will come face-to-face with how miserable they are and the misery they’ve caused.
不要隐藏你的负面情绪。咬紧牙关忍受辜负可能对你的身体有害。强压住愤怒、伤痛、焦虑等激烈情绪可能会让人出现失眠、头痛、消化紊乱、随意发怒等身体症状。要认识到，这些情绪可能在始料不及的时候引发。当我们内心充满负面情绪时，它们会蒙蔽我们的判断、扭曲我们对自己和他人的看法、长期产生不知所措的感觉。这就是为何拥有排解渠道至关重要。除了写日记之外，找治疗师或人生导师聊聊也有帮助。值得信赖的知己可以减少孤独感，降低负面情绪变得有破坏性的风险。你还应该特别注意你的饮食和饮酒量，并在可能的条件下，增加身体活动和锻炼。当我们看不到其他选择的时候，求助不健康的活动来麻木痛苦的感觉会很有诱惑力。
Don’t bury your negative emotions. Trying to keep a stiff upper lip while enduring Betrayal can be hazardous to your health. Suppressing strong emotions like anger, hurt, and anxiety can manifest in physical symptoms of sleeplessness, headaches, digestive disorders, and general irritability. Recognize that these feelings may get triggered in unexpected situations. When we are consumed by negative emotions, they can cloud our judgment, distort how we see ourselves and others, and create chronic feelings of being overwhelmed. That’s why it is critical to have an outlet. In addition to journaling, finding a therapist or coach to talk with can help. A trusted confidant can reduce feelings of isolation and the risk of negative emotions’ becoming destructive. You should also be especially attentive to your diet and alcohol intake, and where possible increase your physical activity and exercise. Turning to unhealthy activities to numb feelings of pain can be alluring when we can’t see alternatives.
让感恩之心和决心毅力抵消掉权利争取和工作淡漠。辜负常见的两个副作用就是认为自己理应为所受的遭遇得到补偿，以及对待工作态度漠然。争取权利可能是渐渐开始的——午餐拖延更长的时间、差旅费用中充斥着豪华大餐，进而升级到更加贪婪的自我补偿行为，一切皆因你的容忍而显得正当合理。可是在所有那些努力都未能阻止老板的行为给你带来伤害之后，你可能对工作全然不在乎了。工作淡漠是辜负行为的一个危险的副产品，因为它很难界定。一旦你对自己原本由衷感激的方方面面的职业生活的前途都不看好，那种态度可能也会渗透进你的个人生活。
Let gratitude and purpose offset entitlement and apathy. Two of Betrayal’s common side effects are believing you deserve restitution for what you’ve suffered and feeling indifferent toward your work. Entitlement can begin gradually — taking longer lunches, padding travel expenses with luxurious meals — and escalate to more voracious acts of self-compensation, all justified by what you’ve tolerated. But after those efforts fail to stem the hurt from your boss’s behavior, you can stop caring about work altogether. Apathy is a dangerous byproduct of Betrayal because it’s hard to compartmentalize. Once you lose perspective about the aspects of your professional life for which you are genuinely grateful, that attitude can bleed into your personal life.
提醒你自己想想择业原因背后的热情，记住你得天独厚的才华，列出生活中给你带来的快乐、让你心存感激的东西。一种使命感而非一个伟大的老板才应该是你早上起床的原因。不能让一个可怕的老板成为你不想起床的理由。
Remind yourself of the passion behind why you chose your field. Remember the things you are uniquely gifted at. Inventory parts of your life that bring you joy and for which you are thankful. A sense of purpose, not a great boss, should be the reason you get up in the morning. You can’t let a horrible boss become the reason you don’t want to.
如果你为一个习惯性辜负人的老板工作，那就尽快从其手下摆脱。在那之前，你要竭尽所能防止自己冷若冰霜地成为你自己都认不出的人。你的老板选择有意无意地伤害他人，那是他们的选择。允许他们的辜负之举负面地改变你为人的选择永远在你手上。
If you work for a boss who habitually Betrays, get out from under them as soon as possible. Until then, do whatever you must to protect yourself from hardening into a person you don’t recognize. Your boss’s choice to hurt others, consciously or not, is theirs. The choice to allow their Betrayal to negatively alter who you are is always yours.
罗恩·卡鲁奇是Navalent公司的共同创始人和管理合伙人，他与众多CEO和高管合作，为他们的企业、领导和行业谋求转型变革。他是8本畅销书的作者，其中包括在最近亚马逊排名第一的《掌权》(Rising to Power)。
Ron Carucci is co-founder and managing partner at Navalent, working with CEOs and executives pursuing transformational change. He is the bestselling author of eight books, including Rising to Power.
