【战锤40k同人作品翻译】 Ennui 第三十四章：武器 Weapons
本章概述：
伊莎莱受到了审判。
In which Isarae is judged.
正文：
“情况正在失去控制。”
我尽全力克制着自己，但说出来的话还是带着些许怒意。但亚历桑德拉至少还是在医疗人员护理她的手腕时—后者正尽最大的努力忽视我在医疗区的存在—表现出了愧疚的样子。
“那只是个意外，”亚历莎坚持道。“娜丽莎姐妹误判了局面。“
“她对你开枪了。”
“她没有打中。”
“那是她枪法差！”我厉声说道，亚历莎登时瑟缩了一下。
医疗人员在我跟亚历莎互瞪时完成了对她的手腕的包扎。我的目光对上了亚历莎愤怒的盲视，紧张的气氛一定已经显而易见，鉴于医疗人员一有机会离开就拔腿冲出了这件小诊室。
“那只是个意外，‘莱，”亚历莎咬紧牙关重复道。
“你若是技巧稍逊或不够警觉，你此刻可能就已经死了，”我回复道，内心深处为之一紧。
“死在你挚爱的姐妹之一的手里。”
“但是我没有，”亚历莎说。“是你把我训练的这么出色的。”
“这种考验压根就不应该发生！”我怒吼道，声音响亮到周围的小器械都被震得嗡嗡作响。
不过并不只是这些工具受到了震动，亚历莎猛地向后弹去，她牙关紧闭，空洞的双眼大睁着，泪水短暂地在她的眼眶里泛起来又被迅速地忍了回去。
一股冷水顺着我的脊梁骨浇了下来，我意识到自己都干了什么。
“亚——亚历莎…”我抱住自己，闭上双眼深呼吸了几次。
愤怒。
我从未在过去的生活中感到过如此强烈的愤怒。它在我的血管中翻滚沸腾以至我几乎无法冷静地思考。怒火如同燃烧的煤块般卡在我的胸口，烧灼着我的心肺和喉咙。恨意如电流击穿我的肌肉，驱使我以杀戮来将之平息。
如果这就是血神的追随者们所经历的，那我对他们的评价可能就太苛刻了。
可不仅仅只有愤怒，我还感受到了别的东西。
某种较之更为陌生的事物。
“对不起，”我哽咽着说。“我不是故意吼的这么大声的，我只是…”
亚历莎的手搭在了我的胳膊上，轻抚着皮下绷紧的肌肉，然后她起身向我靠过来，把头靠在了我的肩膀上。
我尽可能放松自己的双臂，将她紧紧地抱在怀里，我把脸埋进她的发间，深吸了一口她的芬芳。我几次不住地颤抖，在更紧地拥亚历莎入怀时震惊地发觉泪水从自己的脸颊上滑落。
“我也很抱歉，”亚历莎轻声说道。“我本来不该掉以轻心的。”
“我很害怕，亚历莎，”我抽泣着说。“你的种族是怎么在这种…恐惧中活下来的？”
我内心的情感如同战场。我无法掌控它们，任由它们如风暴潮般冲击着我。我感受到的太多太多。我觉得都有点过头了。我的内心被填的满满的…我如此深爱着亚历莎，而一个小时前我几乎因为一个意外而失去了她。
不是刺杀，不是战死。
就只是一个意外。
如果不是安塔雷斯大人好心提醒，我恐怕得到早上才会知道我的挚爱被送去了医务室。
从我能感受到这种令人麻痹的恐惧起已经有多久了？这种让我指尖麻木，呼吸停滞的恐惧？这种丝毫不逊于狂嚎女妖的灵能呼啸的麻痹感？
我族的诅咒曾经以一层层冷淡和愤世嫉俗保护我的内心免受情感毒害，而它现在已经被一道暴漏在外的伤口取代。之前，我只在自己的诅咒刚被解除时感受过短暂的宁静，只是偶尔会担心被阿苏焉信徒注意到，而我用日复一日的巡逻将其平息了下去。然后袭击发生了，但事情发生的太快，以至于我真的只能感受到战斗的喜悦。
可现在…
“对不起，”亚历莎又一次说道。“我上了达尼卡的套，我本不该这么做，我实在太蠢了。”
“我不能失去你，吾爱。”我咬紧牙关说道，然后松开了怀抱。“你是我的全部，亚历莎，所以拜托…求求你，再小心些吧。”
房间门口传来的一阵轻敲声吸引了我的注意，乌泰娜大修女身着紧身服而非她的全套盔甲走了进来，身边跟着另一位我不认识的女子。
她和乌泰娜形成了鲜明的对比。乌泰娜身型高挑，五官棱角分明，而她的同伴身材矮小一些，线条更为柔和。乌泰娜皮肤苍白，目光锐利，而跟在她后面的女子肤色偏深，灰绿色的眼睛里较前者更为温和。
根据她们之间的亲密感，加上乌泰娜的同伴如此随意地把手搭在大修女的肘弯里的样子，她们之间的关系显然不仅仅是简单的亲近。
“亚历莎姐妹，我深表歉意，”乌泰娜低头说道，脸上露出了苦涩的表情。“我本以为自己已经说明了你不应该受到烦扰，但看上去达尼卡的热忱又一次冲在了她前头。”
“我在挑衅了她这件事上也同样有错，尊敬的大修女，”亚历莎转过身去单膝行了个礼，轻声说道。“我本不应该被她的话语激怒。”
“就我所知她诋毁了你的名誉，”乌泰娜身后的女子说道，我被她轻若游丝的平和语调惊了一跳。“她对与你战斗的渴望不逊于你，小姐妹，在这件事上你们都有过错。”
“但达尼卡是故意找茬的，”乌泰娜阴沉地说。“我检查了那个练习室，从地面和武器上的损伤来看，她压根没打算让你站着离开房间。”她微微叹了口气，随后又像是想起来什么一样自顾自地笑出声来。“不过我得道个歉…请允许我介绍安琪亚大修女，我的搭档和在这场战争中的同行。”
我在亚历莎的身旁弯腰跪了下来，并行了天鹰礼。
“很荣幸能为您效劳，大修女。”我说。
“嗯…看来事情确实如此，”安琪亚以轻柔飘渺的嗓音说道。“神皇的恩典果真无穷无尽…这么多年以来，我从未想过能看到一个灵族在地球之主的仆人面前如此地真诚地欠身。”
我没有什么可说的。大修女所言非虚。我的种族从来只展现出过目空一切的傲慢和对从我们酿成的大祸中吸取教训的排斥。我们对年轻的种族横加批判，可后者的行为和铸就的错误即使拉长千世万代也无法与灵族造成的损害相比拟。
因此看到一个灵族带着悔悟低头看上去肯定很怪异。
“我唯祂的旨意是尊，”我低声回答道。
“果真如此吗？”安琪亚平静地说着站到了我面前。
“这个嘛，吾爱？”乌泰娜说，一只手搭上安琪亚的肩膀。“你的眼光在评判他人这个方面一直胜于我…你怎么看？”
“只有神皇才有权评判，亲爱的，”安琪亚苦笑着说。“但在我看来，不管真相如何，这个异族的心，或者说她所拥有的可以当作心的东西，至少完全属于亚历桑德拉姐妹。”
“我的生命和灵魂都交付于神皇之手，”我头也不抬地坚定地说道。“但我的心只属于亚历莎。”
安琪亚大修女跪了下来，与我的高度平齐，然后向我伸出一只手，我只得强压下我的抵触。
我的双手浸透了鲜血，但是亚历莎凭她的宽容宽恕了我，即便知晓我的罪孽也对我一往而深。这位大修女不可能像亚历莎那样了解我，而让我的脏手接近神皇纯洁的忠仆是个令人作呕的想法。
也许她感受到了我的犹豫，干脆直接伸出胳膊拉过我的手，领着我和亚历莎站了起来。
像这样站在这里看着她，我惊讶地发觉她比我一开始想的还要矮。又或者这只是出于她给人的柔和的感觉。她看上去更为娇小也更有种昙花一现的感觉。这个女子和我见过的其他的修女相比几乎没什么共同点。
修女们，就像亚历桑德拉那样，似乎偏好那种强壮的体格。宽阔的肩膀和结实的后背是为了背负起人类帝国和它对神皇的信仰，这都是通过她们的意志和努力获得的。
安琪亚似乎没有太多这类特质。这当然不是在说她虚弱。我能看出她的身体很精壮，但她的形体确实格外纤细。
除了…
“真是奇怪，”安琪亚轻声说，她的目光始终没有离开过我的。“我在靠近异形时总会有一种下意识的排斥感，但我在你身边时没有感受到哪怕一点…相反，我感到了一种我解释不清的亲近感。”
“伊莎莱灵魂的高洁由地球之主护佑，尊敬的大修女，”亚历莎补充说。“我斗胆猜测，也许您所感觉到的正是祂的恩典？”
“也许确实如此，姐妹，”安琪亚带着温柔的微笑回答。“你很有智慧，即便你还很年轻。”
“不管怎么说，我们都得开始那个简报了，”乌泰娜插嘴说。“我原本想着能至少把这事推迟到明天，但看样子是不可能了…我觉得最好还是现在就把事情解决了。”
“我同意，”安琪亚回复道，她松开了我们的手，然后转向乌泰娜，一只手轻抚她瘦削的脸颊。“我跟你说过这件事晚做不如早做，亲爱的。”
乌泰娜的嘴唇抿成了一条线。“的确，我毫不怀疑下个十年里你会经常跟我提起这件事。”
“只限你惹我生气的时候，”安琪亚轻快的说着，漫不经心地拍了拍乌泰娜的脸颊，然后从她身边走了过去。
乌泰娜在安琪亚离开医务室后长叹了一口气。她锐利的灰蓝色双眼微微地眯了起来，她缓缓地深呼吸了几次，然后闭上眼睛摇了摇头。
“我的安琪亚真是令人受不了，可她又是那么的无懈可击。”乌泰娜又一次睁开眼睛，说道。“但她有着最为准确的直觉，以及我所见过的与神皇最强的精神上的自然联系，整个隐修院里没有一个人会在私下里不信任她…她的信任票能大大安抚人们的骚动。”
“你是指你刚刚提到的简报？”亚历莎好奇地问道。
“的确，是面向整个隐修院的残余军力的汇报，”乌泰娜确认道。
“如果我可以问的话，尊敬的大修女，”亚历莎继续说道，我认出了她紧绷的下巴中蕴含的担忧。“这次汇报会是关于什么的？”
乌泰娜没有回答，而是看向了我。
我对此不感意外。
“她们会要求处死她的！”亚历莎尖叫道，随后注意到了自己的失态。“——大修女！”
“帝皇塔罗，以及其他的因素，都坚称你的灵族同伴会是我们胜利的关键，”乌泰娜回答道“如果我们要执行祂的旨意，我们就不能把她藏起来…我们必须团结一心，如我们本应该的那样。”
“她们会哗变的，”亚历莎直截了当地说。
“如果我们的纪律能松懈到如此地步，或许一场暴动也是应得的，”乌泰娜平静地反驳道。“但请不要因为达尼卡一个人就如此评判我们整个隐修院的姐妹们。这对她们来说不公平。”
乌泰娜转向了我，她又一次眯起眼睛，上下打量着我，然后发问道：“我还需要担心你向上级修女寻仇吗？还是说向她的下属们？”
说真的，我考虑过这么做，那个可恶的女人自她踏出VTOL起就没让我和亚历莎有安生的时候。
不过，至少在那个时候，我能理解她的恶意。除了一个可能已经失去理智的修女外，没有人能为我担保，更何况她之前还曾对她们全自动开火过。
可现在呢…
现在，达尼卡公然地违抗了她的上级的命令。她是个威胁。
对我的威胁。
对亚历莎的威胁。
“如果我有权杀了她的话，我会这么做的，”进过长时间的沉思后，我承认道。“但她的生命乃是神皇的货币，只能由祂来决定…”我抬头看向乌泰娜，与她针锋相对。“我不会向她寻仇，尊敬的大修女，我发誓。可如果她再次威胁到了亚历莎或者我自己，我不会像安塔雷斯大人所说的那样放平我的剑锋，就像亚历莎做过的那样。”
乌泰娜对此皱起了眉头，但点了点头。
“这样就足够了，”她轻叹着回复道。“达尼卡已经把我们置于一个微妙的境地…她很年轻，技艺出众，也深受爱戴，但她的傲气受到了打击，“乌泰娜苦涩地笑了笑。“在她的上级修女于三天前陨落后，她就被任命到了现在的级别上，而对你的搜救是她首次指挥的行动。”
听到这些，亚历莎锁紧了眉头，即便我也对这个年轻女子感到了一丝不同寻常的怜悯，即便她令我相当火大。
那一定相当屈辱。她的首秀被跳线手雷搞砸了，然后她又被一个明显的异端和她的异形恋人所救。再然后，当她试图通过挑战亚历莎来取回一点仅有的骄傲时，又被揍得如此之惨，甚至在被打晕前都没能命中哪怕一次。
尽管我所感受到的恐惧是如此揪心地沉重，我还是不能否认自己对亚历莎的战斗天赋感到满足的骄傲。
“现在她必须因抗命而接受申饬。”乌泰娜又一次摇了摇头，呻吟道。“要是她的第一次出击是对付绿皮就好了，她本应发挥得很漂亮的。”
“我们无法选择自己经受的考验，只能选择是否屈服。”我轻声说道，不过我的话让乌泰娜露出了惊讶和恼怒的神色。
她的怒火只持续了一小会儿就变成了震惊。
“那是…那是圣阿拉贝拉的第四十条教理问答，“乌泰娜愣愣地说道。
“那的确是，”我附和道。“这听起来很合时宜。”
“自伊莎莱蒙赦以来，她一直在研读教理和伙友们的著作，尊敬的大修女，”亚历莎插嘴道，站在了我们中间。“我们尽自己所能地从教堂里回收了能找到的书籍。《玫瑰教诲》显然就是其中之一。”
这本书篇幅很短，却是我最喜欢的之一。在亚历莎因高烧而昏睡的某个晚上我拿起了这本书，在接近黎明时分开始读。我仅仅只用了几个小时就读完了它，自那时起我又重读了上百遍。
我从来也没想过人类能创造如此简单的智慧，我很快就喜欢上了圣阿拉贝拉的著作。她以天马行空又不失诙谐的文笔探讨了信仰和死亡的本质。富有激情又温和细腻。她的著作中细微的幽默感让我稍稍想到了亚历莎。
我如饥似渴地阅读了我们救回来的另外几本她的作品。
《玫瑰教诲》。
《吾等忠嗣》。
《试炼，第八至第九章》。
就我所知在她逝去前她还写完了《试炼》的另外两章，我相当想要阅读更多她的作品，如果时间允许的话。
“我发现自己无话可说了，”乌泰娜仿佛第一次见到我似的说道。“不管怎样，我已经下令集结，而你，”她意味深长地看了我一眼，“你去后面的休息室里等候召唤，假设亚历莎的担忧是多余的话。”
“如果不是呢？”我问到。
乌泰娜没有回答，只是平淡地看着我，嘴唇抿了起来。我默默地点了点头。如果亚历桑德拉是对的，那我唯一能做的就是逃离隐修院，抑或是被处死，如果真是那样的话，亚历莎也会与我同去的。
就算她的姐妹们没有这么要求，我也知道她出于原则也会和我站在一起。
“跟我来，”过了一会儿，乌泰娜说道，然后转身走出了医疗室。
亚历莎和我隔了几步后跟了上去。我试着走在亚历莎的后面，就像我之前那样，而同样的，她没有让我这么做。她牵起我的手，让我们十指交握，把我拉到她的身侧。
“你不是我的仆人，”亚历莎从嘴角轻声说。“我不会让她们把你当成我跟在我脚边的什么驯化后的动物，‘莱。”
“我当下的存在就是为了服从，这并不让我感到困扰，”我回答道，目光低垂着，
就这样，我差点在亚历莎突然停下时并急转身时撞上她，她乳白色的无神双眼仍以某种方式怒目而视。她对我的手的抓握绷紧了一会儿，随后怒火从她的身上消退了，我不是我唯一感受到这一点的人。
乌泰娜也转过身来，她看向我们之间，眉头在疑惑中皱了起来。
“你不是我的仆人，伊莎莱，”亚历莎咬着牙说道。“我们都侍奉神皇，但你不是…”
她狠狠地吞下了后半截话，松开了我的手，然后抓住我的脸把我拉进了一个狂野的吻中。我几乎能听到亚历莎不加掩饰地展现对我的爱恋之情时乌泰娜咬紧牙关的声音。我想对于乌泰娜来说不去追问我们的关系的全貌还是来的容易些。只要她不问，那她就能更顺滑地忽略掉这点。
很明显亚历莎不想忍受这些。
亚历莎想要全世界都知道我们心心相印，去他的什么后果。随着她向后退去，凝结在她眼眶边缘的泪光让我内心一阵刺痛。
“你已经跟我这样讲过了，我现在告诉你，”亚历莎开口道。“伊莎莱，我将你视若珍宝。”
她的话让我心痛不已。当下触手可及的情感变得如此难以掌握。
泪水顺着我的脸颊淌了下来。我觉得我明白了，明白了我的族人为何堕落至此。我甚至不奇怪于自己恐怕是大陨落以来我族第一个如此无所畏惧，也不担心饥渴者的污点地去感受情感的人。
如此强烈地感受是一件危险的事。而我想，更危险的是我应该如此热烈地爱着。
我俯身，把我的前额靠在亚历莎的额头上，让她用温柔细腻的动作替我拭去脸上的泪水。
“我会陪着你去前厅，吾爱，”亚历莎轻声说。“你在那里等我。”
“如果结果不好该怎么办？”我问。
“帝皇庇佑，”这便是亚历莎唯一的，也是我想听到的回答。“祂的意志势不可挡，我们必须对此有信心，‘莱。”
我恭敬地点了点头，然后转向大修女并单膝下跪，低头用双手比出了天鹰的形状。
“我将侍奉，尊敬的大修女。”
“你最好如此，”乌泰娜从牙缝里挤出这句话来。
我并不怪罪她。目睹这般公然的示爱一定很煎熬。
我站起身与亚历莎并肩同行，让乌泰娜领着我们走向一扇沉重的双开大门。尽管它们又大又沉，我还是能听到门后微弱的交谈声。隐修院的全部战力应该已经为了这次简报汇聚于此。
“在那里等着，”乌泰安说着指了指旁边的一扇小门。“如果情况处理得当，你会被召唤。”
“如你所言，尊敬的大修女，”我又一次鞠躬回应。
在我离开亚历莎身边前，她抓住了我的手，把我拉近，然后踮起脚尖，在我的嘴唇上印下了一个短暂又溺爱的吻。
“为了好运气，”她微笑着说。
我迅速地和她拥抱了下，然后后退，对着大修女简短地鞠了最后一躬，然后走进了后方的接待室。当我穿够那扇大门时，我想，这跟走进牢房里等待判决别无二致。
某种程度上讲，这么说还挺贴切的。
这次简报不仅仅是一次公告。它将决定我是与亚历莎和她的姐妹们并肩作战，还是说我的存在只会成为这个饱受战火蹂躏的世界上另一个冲突的来源。
我走进了接待室，心情沉重且紧张。房间内设十分简朴，实际上几乎是空的。天花板上只有几盏昏暗的灯用于照明，使得大部分墙壁和死角都隐藏在阴影中。
没有其他的办法，我走到房间中央光线最亮的地方，然后双膝下跪，俯首直到额头能碰到冰冷的地面。
“神皇呵，人类之父，我乃你谦卑的仆人，”我大声念道。“吾之躯壳与灵魂归于祢，供祢趋使。若吾之生命可光复圣疆，那便如此。若吾之死亡可抚慰勇士…那边如此。”
我紧闭双眼，将火花锁在眼睑后面。
我当下的祈祷很是粗笨。也许，如果简报顺利进行，我会请其中一位更为和善的修女来教授我她们的仪式用语。我只能期盼我的呼唤能传达到。
“有意思。”
从阴影中传来了一阵深沉的嗓音，我在瞬息间向后翻滚，同时抽出了我的剃刀连枷和仅剩的一把毒晶手枪，就在那一刹那，一道如死亡幽魂般的身影从我右侧的黑暗中浮现。它巨大无比，就像是一头墓碑色的高耸巨兽，身披一件破烂不堪的丧服。一双怨念的红眼在罩袍的深处燃烧着打量我，我的身体在出击的准备中紧绷了很长一段时间，直到我意识到我正看着的究竟是什么，或者说，究竟是谁。
“安塔雷斯大人！”我赶紧放下武器，单膝跪地并低下头去。
我怎么会没有注意到他？这么巨大的存在不应该被如此轻易地忽略，但这也不是我第一次这样了。
“灵族的伊莎莱，”安塔雷斯整个人走进光照中，我的呼吸为之一滞。他的身上有着某种微妙的不安感。“你的存在自相矛盾。你是一个灵族，因此也是一个帝国之敌…然而你也是一个展现了坚定且热忱的信仰的盟友。”
他以一种近乎捕食者的姿态绕着我转起圈来，我不安地注意到，即使他穿着一身动力甲，但他几乎没有发出任何声音。我在片刻之后明白了，我的脑后有一阵微弱的尖啸声。我的牙齿边缘的响起了熟悉的低鸣。
“听觉阻隔器，”我低声说。“他们被嵌进了你的护甲，对吗？”
“我的战甲的受祝机魂确实是个安静的存在，”安塔雷斯微微颔首。“我的兄弟们和我，以及我们圣洁的武备，在以此为例的许多方面都心有灵犀。”
“如果您愿意原谅我的唐突，天使大人…”我说道一半时垂下目光，然后等待着，经过片刻的沉默后他轻哼了一声以示同意。“谢谢你，大人…那么我敢夸口说，在这个黑暗的银河中，我是一名卓越的战士，很少有人能与我匹敌，更少有人能够偷袭我，但您已经成功了两次。”
“我们都有自己的秘密，灵族，”安塔雷斯的话中带着通讯格栅的嘶声。“我的战团的基因之父在隐蔽行动的艺术上登峰造极，我能说的就这么多。”
“那是自然，”我顺从地点了点头。
安塔雷斯大人继续静默地行动。他又绕着我缓缓地转了三圈，最终停在了我的面前，而我只能通过他的罩袍在我身前轻轻摆动的声音来判断他的确这么做了。
然后他跪了下来，伸出了一只手。他宽大的手掌覆盖着陶钢，中间放着一个有着绿色镜片的小铜球。某种记录仪，我想，然后我小心地抬起头来，疑惑地看着天使大人。
“拿起它，”他的嗓音沉静得令我脊背生寒。“里面只有七秒钟的录像。拿起它，然后看完。”
不知为何，这个念头让我有些恶心。那个刚才还看似无害的记录仪在我心底激起了深深的像是恐惧的东西。
但我不能抗命。天使大人，一名神皇的子嗣，命令我拿起录像并观看，那我就会这么做。
“如你所言，大人，”我念道，然后伸手从他面前拿起了记录仪。它在他的手中显得很小，但在我手里则又大又沉。
它是人类制造的粗糙但实用的诸多物品的一个典型，但即便如此它的形制中也有着某种简单的美。我只用了一会儿时间就弄清了如何使用它，但一旦我这么做了，打开和激活录像机只是一瞬间的事情。镜头闪烁起来，然后发出一道深绿色的全息光流。
最初的几秒是一阵快速的运动，尽管没有声音，我的眼睛还是认出了这是一场战斗。
第四秒显示战斗放缓，战士们的动作停了下来，然后——
我的心脏几乎在胸腔里停止了跳动。
无论是从谁的视角看起我都在盯着某个人。一个苗条、强大、熟悉的身影，她正笑着。她几乎赤身裸体，浑身覆盖着血污，她仰天狂笑，然后突然触电一般狂暴地冲了过来。
录像戛然而止。停顿，然后重新开始播放。
我在再一次看到那些恶毒的影像前关闭了记录仪。我低下头把这个设备还给了安塔雷斯，我的胸中满是罪恶和悔恨。
“这段记录十分古老，”安塔雷斯声如洪钟。“这份副本来自二连长瓦迪许的最后影像，将近九百年前，在他于保护神皇圣殿时被某个无名巫灵杀害后回收自他的头盔。”
我蜷缩起来，从一个膝盖到两个一起，然后双手照地，面对金属地板，我的泪水夺眶而出。
“我第一次看到你时就觉得你似曾相识，但记忆却很模糊，”他平静地说道。“于是我向我的战团在轨道上的战舰发送了一条请求，查询到了瓦迪许陨落的录像副本以便回忆。”
我的嘴巴张张合合。每一次我都想说些什么，但话语在能连成串前就卡在了嘴边，因为每一句话都比上一句更加苍白无力，哪怕是在我自己的脑海里。
“瓦迪许连长的高超技艺在我的战团中堪称传奇。”安塔雷斯的盔甲随着他起身而低声咆哮起来，他的身影又一次冰冷地打在我身上。“他的死是一个悲剧…更糟的是他的尸体一直都没能被回收，除了他的头盔和装在里面的头颅。”
我努力吞下一口唾沫，我的指甲在浑身的震颤中刺耳地刮着地板。
“所以告诉我，灵族的伊莎莱。你已经杀了多少我的兄弟？”
原文：
“This is getting out of hand.”
I spoke the words with as much restraint as I could muster, although they still came out with anger. At least Alessandra had the good grace to look ashamed of herself as the medicae worked on her wrist while doing her utmost to ignore my presence in the medical wing.
“It was an accident,” Alessa insisted. “Sister Nalissa misread the situation.”
“She shot you.”
“She missed.”
“Then she shot you poorly!” I snapped, and Alessa flinched.
The medicae completed the binding on Alessa’s wrist as we glared at one another. I met Alessa’s blind, angry glare with one of my own, and the tension must have been palpable because as soon as the medicae was able, she all but sprinted from the small examination room.
“It was an accident, ‘Rae,” Alessa repeated, her jaw tight.
“Had you been less skilled or less aware, you would be dead right now,” I replied, my gut clenching at the thought. “Dead at the hands of one of your beloved sisters.”
“But I am not,” Alessa said. “You trained me better than that.”
“It ought never to have been tested!” I roared, and the volume rattled the small metal tools on the nearby counter.
They were not the only thing rattled, though. Alessa jerked back, her jaw clamped shut and blank eyes wide as tears formed very briefly in them before she managed to blink them away.
Ice water sluiced down my spine as I realised what I’d done.
“A-Alessa, I…” I closed my eyes and took several deep breaths as I wrapped my arms around myself.
Rage.
I cannot remember ever feeling such manifold rage in my life. It was red hot and boiling in my veins such that I could barely think straight. It was a lump of lit coal lodged in my chest, burning my lungs and heart and throat. It was electric hate coursing through my muscles and demanding that I kill to satisfy it.
Perhaps I have been too harsh in my judgments of the Blood God’s followers if this is what they experienced.
More than rage though, I realise, I felt something else.
Something even more alien.
“I’m sorry,” I choked the words out shakily. “I did not mean to shout, I’m just…”
Alessa’s hand settled on my arm and rubbed at the tense muscles beneath the skin as she stood, pressed against me, and laid her head on my shoulder.
With as much care as I could manage, I relaxed my arms and slid them around her, pulling her closer and burying my face against her hair to breathe deeply of her scent. I shivered several times, and to my shock I found tears slipping down my cheeks as I tightened my embrace on Alessa.
“I’m sorry, too,” Alessa said quietly. “I shouldn’t have made light of it.”
“I was scared, Alessa,” I sobbed. “How do your kind live with this… this fear?”
My emotions were a warzone in my heart. I had no grasp on them, they simply hammered at me like stormtides. I felt so much. Too much, I thought. My heart was too full… I loved Alessa so much, and an hour ago I had very nearly lost her to an accident.
Not an assassination, not cut down in battle.
An accident.
And I would not have even known about it til the morning had Lord Antares not been kind enough to call on me and inform me that my beloved was in the medicae halls.
How long has it been since I felt this kind of numbing terror? The kind that steals the feeling from my fingers, and the breath from my lungs? The kind that paralyses no less than the psychic wail of a Banshee?
The curse of my kind that once armoured my heart against the depths of emotion with layer upon layer of apathy and cynicism was gone and in its place a raw wound was left open to the air. Prior to this, I had only known a short time of peace after my curse was lifted, punctuated by stabs of concern that the Asuryani might have noticed it which I soothed with my patrols. Then there was the attack, but in all it happened too quickly for me to really feel anything beyond the joy of battle.
Now, though…
“I’m sorry,” Alessa said again. “I rose to Danika’s bait and I shouldn’t have, it was foolish of me.”
“I cannot lose you, my heart.” I bit the words out as I pulled back. “You are my everything, Alessa, so please… please, be more careful.”
A soft rapping of knuckles from the threshold of the chamber drew my attention as Canoness Utena, clad in a bodyglove rather than her full armour stepped inside, followed by another woman I did not recognise.
She and Utena were a study in opposites; where Utena was tall and sharp-featured, her companion was a full head shorter and made up of soft lines. Where Utena was pale, with a piercing gaze, the woman behind her was dark-skinned, with gray-green eyes that held something far more gentle.
And from the closeness of them, and the way Utena’s companion so casually rested her hand in the crook of the Canoness’s arm, it was clear their relationship was more than just close.
“Sister Alessa, you have my deepest apologies,” Utena said with a grimace, bowing her head as she spoke. “I had thought I’d made it clear that you were to remain unmolested, but it seems Danika’s zeal has once again ran ahead of her.”
“I was just as guilty in provoking her, honored Canoness,” Alessa said quietly as she turned from me to drop to a knee and bow. “Her words ought not to have stoked my temper so.”
“My understanding is that she impugned your honor,” the woman behind Utena said, and I was struck by the quiet, almost breathy quality of her voice. “She wished the fight no less than you did, little Sister, in that manner you are both at fault.”
“Danika wanted the excuse, though,” Utena said grimly. “I examined the sparring chamber, and from the damage inflicted on both floor and weapon it was clear she had no intention of letting you walk out of that room.” She sighed quietly, then seemed to realise something before chuckling to herself. “But I apologise… allow me to introduce Canoness Anthia, my partner and counterpart in this war.”
I took a knee beside Alessa and bowed, making the sign of the Aquila as I did.
“It is my honor to serve, Canoness,” I said.
“Hm, so it’s true, then,” Anthia said in the light, airy tone. “Truly the God-Emperor’s grace is infinite… never in all my years would I have imagined I would see an Eldar honestly humble herself before a servant of Him On Earth.”
There was nothing for me to say. The Canoness was not wrong. My kind had shown only blind hubris and a total unwillingness to learn from our terrible mistakes. We stood in judgment over younger races whose actions and mistakes could never, in a thousand lifetimes, measure up to the damage the Aeldarii had caused.
So seeing one bow in contrition must have truly seemed strange.
“I serve as He directs,” I replied quietly.
“Is that so?” Anthia spoke the words calmly as she stood over me.
“Well, my love?” Utena said, laying a hand on Anthia’s shoulder. “Your eyes have always been better than mine in the judgment of others… what say you?”
“Only the God-Emperor may judge, dear one,” Anthia replied wryly. “But it is my humble opinion that whatever the truth of the matter, this xeno’s heart, or whatever she possesses which passes for one, belongs wholly to Sister Alessandra at the very least.”
“My life and soul rests in the hands of His Divine Majesty,” I said firmly without raising my head. “But my heart is Alessa’s alone.”
Canoness Anthia knelt to my level and held out a hand, and I had to swallow back a denial.
My hands were slick with blood, but Alessa, in her grace, had forgiven me and loved me without reserve even knowing my sins. This Canoness could not know what Alessa knew, and the thought of putting my filthy hands near so pure a servant of the God-Emperor was a gut-wrenching notion.
Perhaps she sensed my reticence because she reached out and took my hand anyway, pulling me to my feet and guiding Alessa up at the same time.
Standing here, looking over her like this, I was struck by the fact that Anthia was actually shorter than I’d thought initially. Or perhaps it was simply the softness of her. She seemed smaller, and at the same time more ephemeral. There was very little that this woman had in common with any of the other sisters I’d seen.
The Sororitas, like Alessandra, seemed to favor more powerful builds. Broad shoulders and strong backs made to bear the weight of the Imperium of Mankind and its faith in the God-Emperor were theirs by virtue of will and work.
Anthia possessed few of these qualities. Not to say she was weak, of course. From what I could see of her body it was lean with muscle, but her frame was an exceptionally willowy one.
Except…
“How strange,” Anthia said softly, her eyes never wavering from mine. “I have always felt an instinctual revulsion to the xeno when I’m near them, but I feel none of that near you… rather, I feel a kinship that I cannot properly account for.”
“The sanctity of Isarae’s soul is guarded by Him On Earth, honored Canoness,” Alessa chimed in. “I humbly submit that perhaps it is His grace which you feel?”
“That may very well be, Sister,” Anthia replied with that gentle smile of hers. “There is wisdom in you, despite your youth.”
“Either way, a debrief must commence,” Utena said, cutting in. “I had hoped we could at least save this for tomorrow, but it seems that won’t be possible… best to get it out of the way now, I suppose.”
“I agree,” Anthia replied as she released our hands and turned to Utena, putting a hand on her narrow cheek. “I told you it would be best to do this sooner rather than later, beloved.”
Utena’s lips pressed to a thin line. “Aye, and I have no doubt I shall be reminded of it for the next decade.”
“Only when you’ve upset me,” Anthia said brightly, patting Utena’s cheek nonchalantly before stepping past her.
Utena let out a long-suffering sigh as Anthia left the medicae chambers. Her sharp, silver-blue eyes narrowed as she took several long, slow breaths in and out, then closed her eyes, and shook her head.
“As insufferable as she is unimpeachable, is my Anthia,” Utena said after opening her eyes again. “But she has the sharpest instincts and the greatest natural, spiritual connection with the God-Emperor I’ve ever seen, and there are none of the Priory who do not trust her implicitly… her vote of confidence will go a long way towards soothing unrest.”
“In the debrief you mentioned?” Alessa asked cautiously.
“To the entirety of the Priory’s remaining military force, yes,” Utena confirmed.
“If I may ask, honored Canoness,” Alessa continued, a faint tightness forming at her jaw that I recognised as worry. “What will the debrief be regarding?”
Rather than reply, Utena simply turned to look at me.
That did not surprise me.
“They will demand her execution!” Alessa snarled, before remembering herself- “Canoness!”
“The Emperor’s Tarot, among other elements, all insist that your Eldar is key to our victory,” Utena replied. “If we are to prosecute His will, then we cannot hide her… we must be united as one, as we are meant to be.”
“They will riot,” Alessa said flatly.
“If our discipline is so lax, perhaps a riot is deserved,” Utena countered calmly. “But do not judge the whole of our Priory sisters by Danika. It is an unfairness to them.”
Turning to me, Utena narrows her eyes again and looks me up and down before asking: “Need I concern myself with you seeking vengeance upon the Sister Superior? Or her subordinate?”
In truth, I had considered it. The wretched woman had caused Alessa and I nothing but grief since the moment she had stepped off the VTOL ramp.
At least in that moment, I understood her vitriol, though. I was unvouched for by any but a potentially unhinged Sister who had recently opened fully automatic bolter fire on them.
But now…
Now, Danika has willfully defied the orders of her superiors. She was a threat.
A threat to me.
A threat to Alessa.
“Were I free to kill her I would,” I admitted after a long, pensive moment. “But her life is the coin of the God-Emperor, to be spent by Him alone…” I looked up at Utena before I continued, meeting her eyes sharply. “I will not seek her out, honored Canoness, that I promise, but if she threatens Alessa or myself again, I will not turn my blade flat as the Lord Angel claims Alessa did.”
Utena grimaced at that, but nodded.
“That will suffice,” she replied with a quiet sigh. “Danika has put us in a delicate situation… she is young, skilled, and well-liked, but her pride is battered,” Utena gave a grim chuckle. “She is newly appointed to her rank after her Sister Superior fell three cycles ago, and your retrieval was her first sortie in command.”
Alessa winced at that, and even I felt an uncharacteristic stab of pity for the young woman, furious though she made me.
It must have been humiliating. To have her first command be crippled by haywire grenades only to be saved by an apparent heretic and her xenobreed lover. Then, when she faced Alessa to reclaim some modicum of that pride, to be beaten so soundly that she was unable to land even a single blow before being knocked insensible.
Despite the heart-clenching weight of fear I had been feeling, I could not deny a satisfying swell of pride in Alessa battle talents.
“Now she must face censure for defying orders.” Utena shook her head again and groaned. “Would that her first sortie could have been met with Greenskins, she would have fared beautifully.”
“We do not choose the trials by which we are tested, only whether or not we succumb.” I spoke softly, but my words drew a look of surprise and anger from Utena.
The anger lasted only a moment before fading into shock.
“That… That was the Fortieth Catechism of Saint Arabella,” Utena said hollowly.
“It was,” I agreed. “It seemed apt.”
“Isarae has been studying the primer and the works of the Companions since her salvation, honored Canoness,” Alessa interjected, stepping between us. “We reclaimed what tomes from the chapel that we could. The Catechism of Roses was among them, obviously.”
It was a short book, but one of my favorites. I’d picked it up one night while Alessa was slumbering through her fever and began reading it near dawn. I’d finished it in only a handful of hours later, and have since reread it almost a hundred times.
I never imagined humans could produce such simple wisdom, and I quickly found myself loving the works of Saint Arabella in particular. Her writings were whimsical and mused on the natures of faith and mortality. Temper and temperance. There was a subtle humor to them that reminded me a little of Alessa.
I devoured what others of her texts we had salvaged voraciously.
The Catechism of Roses.
We Faithful Daughters.
Tribulations, VIII-IX.
I understand there are two more volumes of Tribulations that she penned prior to her vanishing, and I very much hoped to read more of her works if time permitted.
“I find myself at a loss for words,” Utena said, looking at me as though seeing me for the first time. “Regardless, I’ve given the order to muster and you,” she gives me a pointed look, “shall wait in the rear antechamber to be called, assuming Alessa’s concerns are unfounded.”
“And if they are not?” I asked.
Rather than respond, Utena only gave me a flat look as she pressed her lips to a thin grimace. I nodded my silent assent. If Alessandra was correct, then my only recourse would be to flee the Priory, or be put to death, and if that were the case then Alessa would join me.
Even if her sisters did not demand it, I know that she would choose to join me on principle.
“Follow me,” Utena said after a moment, then turned and stepped out of the medicae chamber.
Alessa and I trailed a few paces behind her. I attempted to move behind Alessa, as I had prior to this, but as before, she didn’t let me. She took my hand, linked our fingers, and drew me up to her side.
“You are not my servant,” Alessa said quietly through the side of her mouth. “I will not have them think you some tamed animal who stays at my heel, ‘Rae.”
“My existence is one of subservience now, this does not trouble me,” I replied, keeping my eyes downcast.
As such, I nearly struck Alessa when she jerked to a sudden stop and whirled on me, somehow managing a blazing glare despite her milky gaze. Her grip on my hand tightened for a moment, and anger rolled off of her, and I was not the only one who felt it.
Utena turned as well, her brow furrowed in confusion as she looked between us.
“You are not my servant, Isarae,” Alessa said tightly. “We serve the God-Emperor, but you are not…”
She swallowed hard, let go of my hand, and gripped my face to pull me down into a furious kiss. I could practically hear Utena’s jaw tighten as Alessa unabashedly showed her affection for me. I supposed it was easier for Utena to simply not ask or question the full nature of our relationship. If she did not ask, then she could more readily ignore it.
Clearly that was not something Alessa was willing to let stand.
Alessa wanted the world to know that our hearts were entwined, and damn the consequences. As she pulled back from me, a faint twinge of pain settled in my heart at the glitter of tears which swam on the edges of her eyes.
“You have told me thus, and now I say to you,” Alessa began. “Isarae, you are precious to me.”
My heart ached at her words. Emotions, now so near, have become difficult to handle.
Tears trickled down my cheeks. I understand, I think, how my kind fell to debauchery. I would not wonder that I might be the very first of my kind since the Fall to feel boldly and without fear, and without the taint of the Thirst.
To feel so intensely and so powerfully is a dangerous thing. Far more dangerous, I think it might be, that I should love so fiercely.
Bowing to rest my forehead against Alessa’s, I let her wipe the tears from my cheeks with fond and careful touches.
“I will walk you to the antechamber, my love,” Alessa said quietly. “You will wait for me there.”
“And if this should end poorly?” I asked.
“The Emperor Protects,” was Alessa’s only, and expected answer. “His Will be done in all things, we must have faith in that, ‘Rae.”
I nodded dutifully, then turned to the Canoness and took a knee, lowering my head as I laced my fingers together in the sign of the Aquila.
“I serve, honored Canoness.”
“See that you do,” Utena spoke sharply, and through gritted teeth.
I do not blame her. It must have been difficult to witness such blatant affection.
Standing, I walked alongside Alessa as she trailed Utena who guided us towards a large set of heavy double doors. Despite their weight and heft, I could hear the faint hum of conversation beyond it. The full weight of the Priory’s war forces have likely been gathered for this debrief.
“Wait in there.” Utena said, gesturing to a smaller door off to the side. “You will be summoned when and if things are managed well enough.”
“As you say, honored Canoness,” I replied with another bow.
Before I can move past her, Alessa seizes my hand and draws me back, goes up on her toes, and presses her lips to mine in a short, playfully doting kiss.
“For luck and fortune,” she said, smiling.
I drew her into a quick embrace before stepping back, sketching a short and final bow to the Canoness, then proceeding into the rear antechamber. It was, I reflected as I passed through the wide door, not unlike going into a cell to await sentencing.
In a sense, that wasn’t inaccurate.
The debriefing was more than just an announcement. It was the determination of whether or not I would fight alongside Alessa and her sisters, or if my existence would prove to be only one more source of conflict on this war torn world.
I stepped inside the antechamber, pensive and nervous. It was spartan, almost bare actually. There were only a few dim luminators on the ceiling which lit the room poorly, leaving much of the walls and corners in shadows.
Lacking any other recourse, I went to the center of the chamber where the light was strongest, knelt on both knees, and bowed until my forehead kissed the cold floor plates.
“God-Emperor, Father of Mankind, I am your humble servant,” I muttered aloud. “My body and soul art thine, to wield as thou see’st fit. If by my life, I wouldst make whole thy sacred domain, so it shall be. If by my death I wouldst bring peace to thy warriors… so it shall be.”
I clenched my eyes shut hard enough for sparks to bloom behind the lids.
My prayers are clumsy things for now. Perhaps, if the debrief goes well, I shall ask one of the more amiable sisters to instruct me in their ritual tongue. I can only hope that my calls are heard.
“Interesting.”
A sonorous voice rumbles from the shadows, and in an instant I’ve rolled backward and in the same instant drawn both my razorflail and my remaining splinter pistol just as a figure like a looming specter of death itself folds out of the darkness to my right. It’s huge, a towering behemoth the colour of gravestone, and wrapped in a ragged mourning shroud. Two baleful red eyes burn in the depths of the shroud as they measure me, and my body is screaming for to strike out for a long, thready moment before I realise what, or rather who, it is that I’m looking at.
“Lord Antares!” I drop my weapons and take a knee, bowing my head sharply.
How had I not noticed him? Nothing so immense should be so easy to miss, but this wasn’t the first time I’d done so.
“Isarae of the Aeldari.” Antares steps fully into the light, and my breath catches. There’s something subtly unsettling about him. “You are a contradiction in terms. You are Eldar, and therefore a foe of the Imperium… Yet you are an ally who has shown the fervor of true and unflinching faith.”
He circles me in an almost predatory fashion, and I note with some discomfort that despite his power armour, he makes almost no sound. I realise why that is a moment later. There’s a faint whine in the back of my head. A buzz around the edges of my teeth that is familiar.
“Aural dampeners,” I said quietly. “They are built into your armour, aren’t they?”
“The blessed machine spirit of my wargear is a quiet one,” Antares replied with a small nod. “My brothers and I, and our sacred armaments, are of like mind and soul, in this manner and many others.”
“If you would pardon my queries, Lord Angel…?” I kept my gaze down as I trailed off, and waited, and after a brief pause he gave a quiet grunt of assent. “Thank you, Lord… then I would I flatter myself to say that I am a superlative warrior and in this dark galaxy there are few who are my direct equal, fewer still who can sneak up on me, and yet you have done so twice.”
“We all have our secrets, Eldar,” Antares spoke with a vox-grated grind. “The genefather of my chapter is one for whom the art of silence and stealth has ever come easily and quickly, and that is all I shall say.”
“Of course,” I bobbed my head in a small, secondary bow.
The quiet motion of Lord Antares continued. He circled me another three times, and slowly, before finally stopping in front of me, and I only knew for certain that he had done so because of the faint flap of his shroud before me.
Then he knelt, and held out his hand. His palm was broad and clad in ceramite, and resting at the center of it was a small, brassy sphere with a green lens built into it. A recorder of some kind, I thought, and I tentatively raised my head to regard the Lord Angel quizzically.
“Take it,” he spoke with a deadly stillness to his voice that put a shiver down my spine. “There are only seven seconds of recording within. Take it, and watch.”
For some reason, that notion seemed abhorrent to me. The recorder, which seemed so innocuous a moment ago, now lodged something like fear deep in my heart.
But I could not disobey. The Lord Angel, a son of His Divine Majesty, commanded me to take the recording and to watch it, and so I would.
“As you say, Lord,” I muttered as I reached out and took the recording from him. It seemed so small in his hand, but in mine it was large and heavy.
It’s a typical example of humanity’s crude but functional artifice, but despite that there was a certain simple beauty in its craft. It took me only a moment to discern the method of using it, but once I did it was the work of a heartbeat to turn the dials and activate the recorder. The lens flickered and flashed, then spilled out a stream of holographic light washed in shades of deep ocean green.
The first few seconds were a frenetic flurry of motion, and while there was no sound, my eyes tracked the pattern of a battle.
The fourth second showed the battle slowing as the combatants came to a rest, and then-
My heart nearly stilled in my chest.
Whomever’s eyes I was viewing from was looking at someone. A figure; lithe, powerful, and familiar, and she was laughing. Her body was nearly bare and slick with gore, and she had her head thrown back in raucous mirth before jerking forward in a spasmodic and violent charge forward.
And then the recording froze. Stuttered. And began again.
I flicked the recording off before I could see the poisonous images contained within it again. My chest was tight with guilt and hatred as I lowered my head and held out the device to Antares so he would take it from me.
“This recording is ancient,” Antares booms. “It is a copy of the final moments of Second Company Captain Vadish, recovered from his helm after he was slain in defense of a Holy Shrine of the God-Emperor by an unknown Wych almost nine hundred years ago.”
Tears spilled from my eyes as I curled in on myself, going from one knee, to both, and prostrating myself with palms flat on the floor and my face against the metal floor plates.
“I had thought you seemed familiar, if only in the vaguest sense, when I first laid eyes on you,” he continued calmly. “So I sent a query to my chapter’s vessel in orbit and requested a copy of the Demise of Vadish to refresh my memory.”
I opened and closed my mouth several times. Each time I wanted to say something, but the works choked and died before they could emerge because each one sounded more hollow than the last, even in my own head.
“The skill of Captain Vadish is legendary within my Chapter.” Antares’s armour growled softly as he stood, and his shadow fell coldly over me once more. “His death was a tragedy… much worse that his body was never recovered, only his helm and the head within.
I swallowed hard, and my nails cracked and screeched against the floor as I shook.
“So tell me, Isarae of the Eldar. How many of my brothers have you slaughtered?”
