TPO28W2

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

Parents today are more involved in their children’s education than were parents in the past.

Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

破题构思：

可以拆分不同方面来看待这个问题：家长角度，孩子角度，学校/社会角度

A：

第一，家长更有时间，更懂，更重视；

第二，孩子面临的挑战更多，学习难度更大，需要家长帮助；

第三，学校要求家长多参与；

D：

第一，家长更忙，竞争更激烈；

第二，孩子不需要，很多渠道可以获得帮助；

第三：学校很多任务需要团队或者个人独立完成，家长没法参与。

以上这些都可以结合自己或者身边同学的实际情况来说。比如谁谁就是这样，谁谁的家长就是这样。

批改：

Today, many people think that parents are more involved in their children' s education. I, however, disagree with this idea. (20w)

First, parents are concentrate less on their children' s education because parents work busier now.[more busily] Since there are more people competing today, children' s parents need to spend more time working so that they can avoid being surpassed by other employees. As a result, parents will not have enough time to concentrate on their children' s study.【这句话跟主题句重复了，可以把主题句直接简化为First, parents are more busy than the past.】 For example, Toby works in a company and his job is to pack up 100 commodities a day. However, some new comers recently enter Toby' s company and they are so strong that each of them can pack up 200 commodities a day. As a result, Toby must stay in his company during his Spring festival holiday to pack up more commodities so that he can get the same amount of salary in the past due to the severe working competition Toby faced. The result is that Toby has no time to check his son' s math homework and teach him how to cook. (161w) 【例子比重偏大，最后才切到孩子，前面叙述过多。可以在时间上展开。比如每周只有两个小时在家，陪孩子的时间只有更少。】

Second, parents are no longer more involved in their children' s education because there is no need to do this. 【建议同上，直接给原因，不用重复前半句：it is not necessary for parents to ...】Along with more modern technology being created, children can use their phones and computers to get knowledge by themselves. Thus, parents do not need to involve more in their children' s study. 【这里又是一样，又来了一遍。尽量避免重复。】Take an instance of Toby' s son Mike again. Since Mike really wants to learn cooking noodles and his dad is working at the company, he downloads a cooking app on his phone and he finds that there are many videos teaching cooking delicious food, like dumplings and Italian noodles. The most important thing is that there is always a cook in one video interpreting steps toward making a dish of Italian noodles: first put some Italian source, then add some water, finally add some needles...【步骤就没必要了，有凑字数之嫌。】Each step is illustrated very clear, so Mike learned it very successfully, despite the absence of Toby' s teaching. (156w) 【这个例子不错】

All in all, parents today involve less in their children' s education. That is because parents are too busy and students can get know. (24w)

361w

二稿：

Today, many people think that parents are more involved in their children' s education. I, however, disagree with this idea. 

First, parents are busier than the past. Since there are more people competing today, children' s parents need to spend more time working so that they can avoid being surpassed by other employees. 【考虑到后面的例子，这里的论证如果可以加上“因此会导致陪伴孩子的时间减少”就更充分了】For example, Toby usually  had 【这里used to have 更好】 4 hours to spend accompanying his son Mike on weekends. During this time, Toby would check Mike’ s entire math homework, ask him to recite some poetry and taught 【teach】 him how to cook. However, recently some new employees who can work more efficiently come 【came】 into Toby’ s company, which means that Toby needs to give up some of his spare time on weekends to work in the office. 【这一句的内在因果关系很弱，如果加上“防止自己被取代”的信息就好】Now, Toby only has 2 hours spending on Mike’ s education, and he can only check few pages of Mike’ s math exercises.

Second, there is no need for parents to involve【be involved 或 get involved 或者 involve themselves】 in children’ s education. Along with more modern technology being created,【with引导独立主格就可以了】 children can use their phones and computers to get knowledge by themselves. 【再完善一下论证，还是不够饱满。但是我也没想好这里怎么加。。可以参考最开始的破题构思部分】Take an instance of Toby' s son Mike again. Since Mike really wants to learn cooking noodles and his dad is working at the company, he downloads a cooking app on his phone and he finds that there are many videos teaching cooking delicious food, like dumplings and Italian noodles. The most important thing is that there is always a cook in one video interpreting steps toward making a dish of Italian noodles. 【为什么这是最重要的事情没有解释~不要乱用句式】 Each step is illustrated very clear, so Mike learned【那要是learned的哈，前面也就统一用过去式吧。】 it very successfully, despite the absence of Toby' s teaching.

All in all, parents today involve less in their children' s education. That is because parents are too busy and students can get knowledge on their own.

305w

二稿字数太少了。建议多写一个主体段。