我在雾里看你 A foggy view
我是一个消极的人，我永远在我的黄昏看着我的日落，看着它入土。偶然一瞥，我看见了清晨中的你向我伸出手，金辉斥退了我的阴霾。我以为我可以和你一样了，我沉湎于你的朝气与活力。当你离去、我醒来时，我还在我的黄昏看着我的日落，我又挥霍掉了一整个晴天。
I’m a negative person. I’m always en-route seeking sundown and watch it sink. But it took only a glance with your hand bringing me to your twilight. I thought everything changed. I rejoiced your ups and downs. When you’re gone and I’m awake. It’s sundown again. I had another whole-day squander.
你总是说我情绪化。对，你是理性又成熟，你每次遇到困难推开所有人一个人流泪一个人扛的时候看起来也真的理性又成熟。我是情绪化、不成熟、理想化…你对，你什么都对。但是你真的觉得你推开我独自承受然后不知道过多久再回到我身边是为了我好吗？我遇到什么满腹牢骚和你说很久很久，我知道你可能根本就没在听但是我知道你在陪我。我们是朋友，朋友！你说没有人能一直陪你下去，我再理想化也做不出这样的保证，但是在我能陪你的时候你为什么还要像你永远一个人一样。我不理解，我不理解，我不理解。
You always say I’m emotional. That’s right. You are rational and mature, and you look exactly that way when you hold your tears and run away with your burden, like no one else ever had it. I’m emotional, immature, idealistic and so on. I am everything you are not. That’s right. You’re right. You’re always right. But you really think it is for my sake that you suck it up in isolation with only yourself? Whenever I whine to you and talk shit with you, I know you probably had no ears on you, but you are there. You were there! We are friends, friend-s! you said no one can be with you for a life long, and even I am not idealistic enough to make that promise. But when I am here with you, right here, why you act like you’re an all-time loner. I don’t get it. I don’t understand it. I don’t feel it. I don’t relate to it. It doesn’t make sense to me!
我当然是内耗的。曾经的我过度在意别人的眼光，我无法接受我衣衫不整、蓬头垢面地出门，哪怕只是下楼拿快递。穿睡衣、拖鞋出门是我很长一段时间无法跨越的鸿沟。在教室里我总是把我的课桌、抽屉整理得一丝不苟。所有书本都按科目、大小和颜色排好顺序堆叠。有一次，就那么一次，我神经病发作翻乱了所有东西，就那么堆在桌上。就那么一次，我就从我的老师处得了一句脏乱差。等我收拾好情绪重新整理好东西，他们才觉得我受刺激了——呵呵。
Obviously I suffer from excruciating self-exhaustion, but to be honest, I’m much better now, comparing to the younger me. I once gave too much crap about how people would see me. I couldn’t accept myself in the public without a tidying-up ahead. It was a long-term obstacle for me to wear pajamas and slippers outside, even when I was just getting my mails. In the classroom, I always organized my shit discreetly. I arranged all books by their courses, size and color. Onetime, only once, I rummaged for something with a mental-break-down, and left it a shambles on my desk. Just that time, I got a comment from a teacher, that I sit in squalor. When I finally pulled myself together and had everything re-organized, they figured something happened to me, just hilarious.
我曾一度骄傲于我骂人的水平与准则。我不说脏话；就事论事，不翻旧账，不连坐其他人；不造谣不生事。那时候的我觉得自己了不起得很，时代的标杆、道德的楷模。后来发现自己面对不讲道理不要脸的人我连口都开不了。傻得可以是真的。有人拿道德当武器绑架别人，我倒转武器胁迫自己。我真的希望有一天我能毫无负担地对别人喊出一句“操你妈”，然而这只是我受到的无端谩骂中最微不足道的一句。
I was once complacent about how I argue with people. I never do insults, and never use vulgar words to vilify others; I stick to the fact, and never dig up old beef; I don’t make up slanders out of thin air, and I make sure there will be no collateral damage. Then I found out I couldn’t even finish a sentence dealing with shameless ones. Just stupid I was. Some make moral standards a gun to hold others hostage, however I point the gun at my own head. I wish that one day I can just say “ fuck you” without beating myself up later, and the F-word is just nothing compared to other gratuitous stigmatization I received.
有人说limerence是个很美的词，它描述了最单纯最美好的爱恋。那我希望你美一辈子好吧,如果不够，请你，求求你带上我的那一份一边美去吧。
Some say the word “ limerence” is beautiful. The love it depicts is pristine and romantic. Well, I hope you find your “ beauty” soon and hold on to it. Please take mine with you if you think yours is not enough. I bet with all the limerence I’ve ever had, you will put the world in awe of your “ beauty”.
我受不了你的冷暴力了，我主动断了。然后你说和敏感细腻的人相处真的难，什么都要怕伤害到对方，让对方多想。到底是你多想了还是我多想了，你自己选的要考虑我的感受，感动自己，最后就归结于我这类人麻烦了是吗？你让别人都觉得你体贴入微而我是个疯子。你从闪烁其词到什么都不说，然后责怪我胡思乱想。你只是曾经给过我那么一点点的安心，我经常地睡不好而你让我安然入睡过一次。就那一点点，就那一次，我再也忘不了那晚你声音有多温柔耐心。然后我看着你一点一点变冷漠。我谢谢你曾经出现，也谢谢你现在干净麻利地滚。
I couldn’t stand your silence abuse, so I broke it off. Then you said dealing with sensitive people is a hassle, you were always on the edge, afraid of that you might hurt them. You chose to be “ considerate”, and made you think you were a good person, but, in the end, you blamed me for being sensitive. You impressed everyone with how thoughtful you were, and I was just a crazy one who never stopped asking for more. You picked up prevarication for a while, then just nothing, and you blamed me for being too paranoid. You gave me a teeny tiny bit of comfort, and a night of sleep at ease, freed, spared, unfettered from my long-term insomnia. Just that, I could never forget how gentle and patient your voice was that night. I watched you grow distant. Thank you for your being there for me once, and also thank you for your getting the fuck out of my life.
观想由心。
My mind sways my view.
