全英vlog 45 | 你了解亲密关系吗？

I have this problem that, some times after I finish reading a book, it's as if I've installed a memory self-destruction system in my brain and forgotten all about it. I'm not sure if it's my unconscious thoughts preventing me from progressing, or if it's my ego that is making me feel overwhelmed by the urge to better myself.

Approximately three years ago, I was confronted with some complex issues in my life which led me to seek resolution in literature, thus granting me the opportunity to read Rowland Miller's Intimate Relationships. After reading this book, I not only found the answers I was searching for, but I felt as if I had unlocked a new realm of understanding - one that I had never experienced before. unfortunately, I'm unable to address certain issues I've encountered again, I'm stuck in a perpetual cycle; I'm attempting to soothe myself by rereading the book.

I noticed that some couples appeared to be in a so called relationship, yet their interactions were less than ideal, leading them to believe that they were in an intimate partnership, when in reality, they had not truly allowed themselves to be vulnerable to one another. I began to ponder, what does it take for two individuals to establish a close bond? How can we work together for this ultimate goal? Of course, one person's dedication is not enough, well, mutual matters.

Having gone through the book a second time, I was once more comforted by the answers I found. I highlited "giving and receiving, expressing and listening, participating and understanding, balancing and stabilizing" as the code of intimacy; maybe I got the same answers last time, but I was still curious about the meaning of what I got this time, Let's see.

我有这样一个坏毛病，就是，有些时候我读完一本书后，就仿佛我在大脑中安装了记忆自毁系统一般，忘得一干二净，不知道是我的潜意识在跟我作对还是我大脑中的小我试图影响我提升自己的欲望，这有时候真的让人不知所措。

三年前，生活中遇到的一些难题迫使我从书籍中寻找答案，于是就这样我有幸读到罗兰米勒的《亲密关系》。我记得当时读完这本书，我获得的不仅是我寻找的答案那么简单，我仿佛打开了一扇我从来没有打开过的门，我仿佛悟出了人间真理，在那时刻，我真的有感觉以后的关系处理问题中，我将会成为那个成熟及充满智慧的问题解决者。但是谁知道，此时此刻，在遇到的一些问题上面我还是无能为力，于是，我就像是进入了endless loop一般，又开始重新拾起这本书，试图安慰并治愈自己。

我观察发现，有很多貌似相爱的情侣，进行着不如人意的相处模式，自认为进入了所谓的亲密关系，实际上，在他们的世界里，亲密一词一直被拒之门外，这里的两个人并没有真正的敞开自己。我大脑里便开始出现这样一个问题，怎么样的两个人才能建立起所谓的亲密关系？怎么样才能一起为这个终极目标努力前进呢？当然，一个人的付出是不够的,相互是必要的。

这次，我第二次读完这本书，再一次得到了一些能安慰到自己的答案，我将“给予和接受、表达与倾听、参与与了解、平衡与稳定”定为走向亲密的法典；也许上一次我也得出了一样的答案，但是我还是很好奇这次的收获又存在什么样的意义呢？