【心理学译作·双语】The Cost of Blaming Parents 指责父母的代价

Anger toward parents is still at the heart of a great deal of therapy. But has this approach gone too far?

对于父母的愤怒仍是许多心理疗法的重心，但这样做是不是太过了？

BY Joshua COLEMAN, J CAROLYN COWAN, PHIL COWAN | DECEMBER 23, 2014

Joshua Coleman, J Carolyn Cowan, Phil Cowan 写于2014年12月23日

At the close of the 19th century, Freud theorized that, like the mythical Greek king of Thebes, a child unconsciously wants to kill off his father so that he can have sex with his mother. He believed one of the main functions of psychoanalysis was to bring anger toward the parent into conscious awareness, and that this would free the client from symptoms.

在19世纪末，弗洛伊德提出，就像希腊神话中的Thebes一样，孩子会无意识地想谋害自己的父亲，为的是能和自己的母亲发生性关系。他相信精神分析的一个主要功能是把对于父母的愤怒带入到意识中去，这将使这个孩子免于这个症状。

Today, only a minority of psychotherapists still believe in the centrality of the Oedipus complex or its female version, Electra, the mythological woman made famous by Sophocles and Euripides for plotting revenge against her mother. Yet a focus on anger toward one’s parents is still at the heart of many insight-oriented psychotherapies.

今天，只有一小部分的心理治疗师仍然相信Oedipus情结或其女性版本的Electra的核心。Electra是神话中的女性，策划了对母亲的报复，因古希腊悲剧诗人Sophocles和Euripides而闻名。然而，关注对父母的愤怒仍然是许多洞察导向疗法的核心。

As psychologists and researchers, we think the emphasis on supporting ongoing anger and blame of parents is a problem in today’s psychotherapy and in the culture at large. Validating feelings and perceptions can be a helpful, even necessary, early step in healing from a difficult childhood. Learning how to shift from self-blame to rightful anger at our parents can be a useful second step.

作为心理学家和研究人员，我们认为在今天的心理疗法和整个文化中，鼓励这种对父母的持续的愤怒和责备是有问题的。在从艰苦童年恢复的早期，确立自己的感受和观念是有帮助的，也是必要的。学会从自我责备转移到对于父母的正当的愤怒是有用的第二步。

What concerns us, based on the research on attachment in family relationships as it spans several generations, is how stopping at this second step may worsen the relationship with the parent and harm the long-term best interests of the individual and the extended family.

基于跨度几代人的家庭依恋关系的研究，我们担心的是在第二步停滞不前可能恶化孩子与父母的关系并伤害到这个个体与大家庭的长期利益。

We believe that a new therapeutic frame to respond to adult children’s anger at their parents may be more beneficial in the long run—to the adult child, the parent, and the grandchildren. The same new frame is needed for those of us, clients or not, who hold firmly to the notion that parents are to blame for many psychological difficulties.

我们相信，一个新的应对成年子女对父母的愤怒的治疗框架，长远来看可能对成年子女、父母和孙辈更有益。我们，不论是不是来访者，所有坚定地认为父母应该对许多心理问题负责的人，都需要这样一个新的框架。

Our goal here is to describe some discoveries from attachment theory that may help therapists, clients, and others understand why it may be helpful to get beyond anger at your parents. We are not suggesting the currently popular strategies of “let it go and move on” or “forgiveness,” however useful they can be. Rather, we argue for the value of arriving at a fuller understanding of why our parents behaved as they did, so that we can avoid becoming trapped in old patterns and repeating hurtful relationship patterns in the next generation.

我们的目标是描述一些依恋理论的发现，它们能够帮助治疗师、来访者和人们理解为什么超越对父母的愤怒可能有帮助。我们不建议现在流行的“放下过去、继续前进”或“宽恕”的策略，无论它们多么有用。相反，我们认为更全面地理解父母的行为方式是有价值的，这样我们就可以避免陷入旧的方式、避免在下一代身上重复伤人的关系模式。

Anger and attachment across generations

跨辈分的愤怒与依恋

One of the biggest dangers of carrying chronic feelings of anger toward a parent lies not simply in what it does to the relationship between us and our parents, but how it might affect our relationships with an intimate partner or our children.

长期心怀对父母的愤怒的最大危害之一，不仅仅是它对我们与父母关系的伤害，更在于它对我们与亲密伴侣和孩子关系的影响。

Our own and others’ studies support the theories of John Bowlby, who argued that infants or young children who never felt securely attached to one or both parents can carry deep-seated insecurities into adulthood about whether they deserve to be loved or nurtured. This insecurity can have a profound impact on that person’s ability to love and parent. In other words, the opportunity to be securely attached as a child affects not only that child’s feelings of security and well-being, but his or her ability later in life to foster a secure attachment in his or her child.

我们自己和其他的一些研究都与John Bowlby的理论一致，他认为，从未感到与父母一方或双方有安全依恋的婴幼儿，会携带着根深蒂固的不安全感进入成年，思考他们是否值得被爱或被养育。这种不安全感会对这个人的爱和为人父母的能力产生深远的影响。换句话说，在孩童时期有安全依恋的机会，不仅影响个体自己的安全感、幸福感，还影响个体余生中与自己的孩子培养安全依恋的能力。

In our longitudinal family studies, we looked at parents’ attachment stories and then at how teachers described their children’s behavior at school. We found that children with parents whose relationship could be characterized as insecure in relation to their parents (the grandparents) were more likely to be angry and aggressive with peers, or shy, withdrawn, anxious, or depressed—or both angry and anxious. They were also less likely to do well academically. How does this happen?

在我们纵向的家庭研究中，我们观察了父母的依恋经历，然后观察了老师们如何描述他们的孩子在学校中的表现。我们发现，那些父母与祖父母之间有不安全关系的孩子，比起同龄人表现得更易怒、有攻击性、害羞、孤僻、焦虑或抑郁——或者既易怒又焦虑。他们也往往难以取得学业上的成功。这是为什么呢？

Our research demonstrates that an insecure attachment seems to result in children—and later, adults—having difficulty controlling or modulating their emotions, knowing how to soothe themselves when distressed, or feeling relaxed and trusting with others and this, in turn, was reflected in what we saw in their relationships with their partners and children. Parents were often unable to see their own contributions to distress and conflict in their key relationships. In all likelihood these difficulties emerge from not having had a nurturing parent, not feeling lovable, and not learning how to accept or nurture themselves.

我们的研究表明，不安全的依恋关系似乎导致孩子们——后来的成年人们——难以控制或调节他们的情感，难以在痛苦的时候自我安慰，难以感到放松与信任他人，而这反过来映射于他们与伴侣、孩子的关系中。父母们通常无法看到自己对于关键关系中的痛苦、冲突的贡献。这些困难很可能来源于他们自己没有一个懂得养育的父母，没有感到自己的可爱之处，也没有学会如何接纳和养育自己。

When the client becomes conscious of this dynamic, it is natural to feel angry with the parent. But how do we move from anger, self-blame, and an insecure model of close relationships to a more tolerant, compassionate view of our upbringing? That is, how can we achieve a more hopeful model of what we can expect or work towards in our close relationships? And, why should anyone bother?

当来访者意识到这种模式时，自然会对自己的父母生气。但是我们如何才能从一个气愤的、自我责备的并且不安全的亲密关系模式转变为一个更宽容、更富有同情心的成长观呢？也就是说，我们如何才能实现一个更有希望的模式，我们该在亲密关系中期待什么并朝着什么方向前进呢？此外，我们又为什么要费心呢？

How therapists help or hinder clients

治疗师是如何帮助或阻碍来访者的

It’s common for a therapist to support or encourage an adult’s anger at his or her parents for their behavior in the past, based on the idea that getting in touch with and expressing the anger will help the client move away from self-blame and toward better mental health.

接触和表达愤怒将帮助来访者远离自我责备并走向更好的心理健康，基于这个观点，治疗师普遍地支持和鼓励成年人对其父母过去的行为感到愤怒。

However, the client’s relationship with a therapist may be more disempowering than empowering over time if the therapist continues to support the idea that the client has to aggressively fight back against the reality or the memory (if the parent is no longer alive) of a formidable father or mother, rather than to see the parent as someone with his or her own fragilities, insecurities, and longings. This is important to consider, because when adults hold on to negative feelings about early relationships, it can reinforce their self-view as a victim and leave them unable to take action to establish intimate relationships that are satisfying, trusting, or at least, not harmful.

然而，如果治疗师继续支持来访者去猛烈地与现实或关于可怕父母的回忆（如果父母已经去世）做斗争，而不是帮助来访者去把父母视作有自己的脆弱、不安和渴望的人，来访者与治疗师的关系可能随着时间推移而变得消极。这是非常重要的一点，因为当成年人对于他们早期关系持有负面感受的时候，这会加强他们对于自己是受害者的认知，并使他们无法采取行动去建立令人满意的、信任的或者至少无害的亲密关系。

Without some prodding, a client could also conclude that avoidance rather than repair of a relationship with a parent is the only choice. While ending a relationship with a parent may sometimes be the healthiest decision, it isn’t always: In stopping at supporting a client’s anger at a parent, some therapists may foreclose the possibility that the parent might still be able to provide some of what the adult child longs for and needs, even if it plays out more in the grandchild-grandparent relationship.

如果没有这些促进，来访者也可能得出结论，认为逃避而不是修复和父母的关系是唯一的选择。尽管有时结束和父母的关系可能是最健康的决定，但不永远如此：当不再支持来访者对于父母的愤怒时，一些治疗师可能排除了成年子女仍能从父母那里得到自己渴望且需要的关爱的可能性，即便这种关爱在自己的父母和自己的孩子的关系间得到了更多的体现。（译注：也就是不再持有幻想，是好事）

Although many writers who talk about attachment write as if the model is formed early and stamped in as a template forever, the data don’t support this. Models of attachment can change over time as more nurturing or satisfying relationship experiences nudge us toward a feeling of increased ease, trust, and confidence about developing satisfying intimate relationships (what some call “earned security”). This may happen when a romantic partner’s style shows how a more accepting stance can feel nurturing or when a more responsive relationship with a caring adult—therapist, mentor, teacher, or friend—reveals that it is possible to find more caring, supportive, and satisfying close relationships.

尽管许多谈论依恋的作者写得好像这种模式早就形成了，并且像石板一样被永远铭刻，但数据并不支持这一观点。当更滋养人心的、令人满意的关系体验推动我们对发展美好的亲密关系（一些人称之为“赢得的安全感”）感到更轻松、信任且自信的时候，依恋模式能随着时间的推移而改变。当伴侣展示出更宽容的姿态将如何滋养人心的时候，或者当与热心肠的成年人——治疗师、心灵导师、教师或朋友——间的更有求必应的关系揭示出，找到更加关爱的、支持的且令人满意的亲密关系是有可能的时候，这种转变就可能发生。

How to move from anger to understanding

如何从愤怒转变为理解

In general, we can’t forgive our parents until we have some clarity that we didn’t deserve their mistreatment. It is equally important to realize that in the world of the family, traumas often beget traumas: Most parents who mistreat their children were likely also mistreated. In order to break this sad cycle, a goal might be to see one’s parents not only as neglectful or hostile, but as ill-equipped to create the kind of family environment that fosters confidence and secure attachments.

大体上说，在对于我们理不应当受父母虐待有清晰的认知之前，我们是无法宽恕父母的。这与认识到在家庭层面上，旧的创伤常常产生新的创伤是同样重要的：大多数虐待孩子的父母可能自己也受到了虐待。为了打破这种令人悲伤的循环，我们的目标是，把父母看作不只是忽视的、敌意的人，也是没有能力去创造一种培育信任、安全依恋的家庭环境的人。

The notion that parents “did the best they could” may seem negating for those who already feel impoverished and undeserving. But moving toward that perspective, rather than holding on to long-term or newly-found anger, has three potentially productive outcomes:

认为父母“尽力了”的观点对于那些已经感到贫瘠、匮乏的心灵来说，可能是一种否定。但是与其保持长期的或新确立的愤怒，朝着这种方向前进有三个潜在的好处。

First, some adults can successfully establish a more satisfying relationship with their parents, in-laws, or extended family members, rather than having to remove themselves from any relationships with their extended family.

首先，一些成年人能够成功地和他们的父母、姻亲、大家庭成员建立更令人满意的关系，而不必切断与大家庭的任何联系。

Second, for some adults, this stance can lead to setting reasonable limits for a relationship with a parent who continues to be abusive instead of continuing to carry ongoing feelings of anger that infect other aspects of life.

第二，对于一些成年人来说，这种姿态能够帮助与仍虐待的父母设立关系界限，而不是继续怀着腐蚀生活其他方面的持续的愤怒。

Third, gaining a more differentiated view of why parents behaved as they did can help us avoid repeating the cycle of insecure attachments with our partners and children. In turn, this may foster the possibility of our parents and children developing a relationship across the generations as we form new families of our own, thus offering our children relationships in their extended family.

第三，对父母的行为方式有更加不同的看法，能够帮助我们避免在我们的伴侣、孩子身上重复那个不安全依恋的循环。反过来，这在我们建立自己的家庭时，可能有助于我们的父母与孩子建立跨代关系的可能性，从而为我们的孩子在大家庭中提供人际关系。

It takes psychological effort to go from anger to understanding, and to nurture the insight that what feels intentional isn’t always so. This is true whether or not one is receiving help from a professional.

从愤怒到理解需要心理层面的付出，而培养对于什么是有意为之的洞察并不永远如此。无论一个人是否在接受专业人士的帮助，这都是事实。（译注：也就是说，父母不是有意迫害我们的，他们也是受害者，虽然从愤怒到理解很难，但认识到这个逻辑没那么难。）

It also demands developing more immunity to a parent’s perceptions and behaviors—a process that signifies growth, and makes us more resilient both in our family relationships and in confronting life’s challenges. Developing compassion for parents, intimate partners, and friends is useful, not only because it makes us more compassionate people, but because it allows us to see others’ frailties, to recognize sometimes bungled attempts to care for us, and eventually to love more fully and be more open to being loved by others.

这也要求我们培养对父母的观点、行为的免疫，这个过程意味着成长，并使我们在处理家庭关系、面对人生挑战时更有韧性。发展对父母、亲密伴侣和朋友们的同情心是有用的，不仅因为它使我们成为更慈悲的人，更因为它允许我们看到别人的脆弱，去认可有时笨拙的想要照顾我们的尝试，最终更全身心地去爱，与被爱。

While many people find that this is one of the hardest tasks to accomplish—with or without professional help—some are lucky enough to discover that it is freeing in ways they hadn’t imagined, and that the world seems a more welcoming place in which to live and love.

尽管许多人发现这是最难以达成的任务之一——无论是否有专业人士帮助——但有些人足够幸运，发现这是一种他们不曾想象的解脱，整个世界似乎都变成了一个更加热情的地方，他们在其中鲜活着，并热爱着。

HOW TO ACHIEVE UNDERSTANDING

理解如何达成

Whether through therapy or other intimate experiences, a shift from an insecure attachment model to a secure one is more likely to happen when we can:

无论是否通过治疗或者其他的亲密体验，从不安全依恋模式到安全模式的转变更可能在我们做到以下几点时发生：

1. Work toward accepting the reality of having been denied important attachment experiences by parents or other caregivers.

朝着接受这样一个现实前进：我们被父母或其他看护人否定了重大的依恋经验。

2. Mourn that in all likelihood we will not be nurtured by our parent(s) in the ways we had hoped.

哀悼这样一个现实：父母无论如何都不会按我们所希望的那样养育我们。

3. Develop insight into how we developed self-limiting beliefs as a way to stay close to a parent, however painful or problematic that attachment has been.

深入了解我们如何为了和父母保持亲密关系，无论这种关系是多么得痛苦或状况百出，而发展出的许多自我限制的信念。

4. Shift over time from a position of feeling victimized by a parent to seeing that the parent’s inability to provide more nurturance probably resulted from the parent’s own early deprivation, rather than from an unwillingness, selfishness, or desire to see us suffer.

随着时间的推移，从感到被父母迫害的立场转变为看到父母之所以无力提供更好的养育，是因为自身早期的匮乏，而不是因为他们不情愿、自私或想看到我们受苦。

5. Accept that because of important experiences and disappointments with a caregiver, we may experience a lifelong vulnerability to emotional triggers around rejection, devaluation, or neglect—with an understanding that we can reduce our sensitivity over time, even if it never goes away completely.

接受这样一个现实，由于与看护人间的重大经历与失望，我们可能会在面对拒绝、贬低或忽视等情感诱因时体验到持续终生的脆弱——要明白我们能够随着时间推移降低我们的敏感度，即便它永远无法完全消失。

6. Evaluate whether a new relationship with the parent is possible.

评估是否能够与父母建立新的关系。

About the Authors

作家介绍

Joshua Coleman, Ph.D., is a senior fellow with the Council on Contemporary Families and a psychologist with a private practice in the San Francisco Bay Area. His most recent book is When Parents Hurt: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don’t Get Along (HarperCollins). Visit him at http://www.drJoshuacoleman.com/

Carolyn Pape Cowan, Ph.D., is an adjunct professor of psychology emerita at the University of California, Berkeley. She is a co-director of the Supporting Father Involvement Project and a co-author (with her husband, Philip A. Cowan) of When Partners Becomes Parents: The Big Life Change for Couples.

Philip A. Cowan, Ph.D., is a professor of psychology, emeritus, at the University of California, Berkeley, and coauthor of When Partners Become Parents: The Big Change for Couples (2000) with Carolyn Pape Cowan.

原文地址：https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/the_cost_of_blaming_parents