【中英双语】改变沟通方式的简单方程式

“哇！你在干什么啊？”我吃惊地问。

“Whoa! What are you doing?” I asked aghast.

刚刚我走进女儿的房间，她正在做科学课的一个作业。平时看到她做这个，我是很高兴的。可这次她的作业用到了沙子，很多沙子。而且，虽然她在作业区域铺了塑料布，但铺了跟没铺一样。沙子在我们刚翻新的地板上洒得到处都是。

I had just walked into my daughter’s room as she was working on a science project. Normally, I would have been pleased at such a sight. But this time, her project involved sand. A lot of it. And, while she had put some plastic underneath her work area, it wasn’t nearly enough. The sand was spreading all over our newly renovated floors.

女儿一下子觉察到了我的不快，开始自我防卫。“我铺了塑料布啦！”她生气地回答。

My daughter, who immediately felt my displeasure, began to defend herself. “I used plastic!” she responded angrily.

“但还是弄得到处都是沙子！”我火气比她还大。

I responded more angrily, “But the sand is getting all over!”

“那我还能去哪儿弄啊？”她嚷嚷起来。

“Where else am I supposed to do it?” she yelled.

明明犯了错误，为什么不承认呢？我心里想着，不禁担忧起了将来。女儿不肯承认自己犯了错，她的未来会怎样？

Why won’t she admit when she’s done something wrong? I thought to myself. I felt my fear, projecting into the future: What would her life look like if she couldn’t own her mistakes?

这份担忧让我越发生气了。承认自己的错误是很重要的。我们就这样吵起来。她说了些不尊敬我的话，我提高了嗓音。她的声音带上了哭腔。

My fear translated into more anger, this time about how important it was for her to admit mistakes, and we spiraled. She said something that felt disrespectful to me and I raised my voice. She devolved into a crying fit.

我真想说以前从未发生过这种事，然而事实恰恰相反。可想而知，这样的争吵让我们两个都很难过。

I wish I could say this never happened before. But my daughter and I were in a dance, one we have, unfortunately, danced before. And it’s predictably painful; we both, inevitably, end up feeling terrible.

这种情形不止出现在父母子女间。我常常看到领导者和管理者与员工间发生可预见的冲突，开端通常是一方未能达到另一方的期待（“你在想什么啊？”），结局则是双方都感到愤怒、沮丧、伤心且失去信心。也许不会有人大哭起来，但也是跟哭泣差不多的负面情绪。

This is not just a parenting dance. I often see leaders and managers fall into predictable spirals with their employees. It usually starts with unfulfilled expectations (“what were you thinking?”) and ends in anger, frustration, sadness, and loss of confidence on both sides. Maybe not crying. But the professional equivalent.

冲突过后我总是扪心自问：我为什么会这样？原因有很多，我爱女儿，想教导她，我受不了她弄得乱七八糟的，我有控制欲，我希望她取得成功。我还可以继续列举下去。

I’m always inclined to ask: Why do I react the way I do? The answer is a complicated fusion of reasons including my love for my daughter, my desire to teach her, my low tolerance for messiness, my need to be in control, my longing for her success, and the list goes on.

但这些并不重要。

But it doesn’t really matter.

因为弄明白自己行为的原因并不会让我改变自己的行为。你觉得弄清楚原因就可以改变，理应如此，但事实并非如此。

Because knowing why I act a certain way does not change my behavior. You would think that it would. It should. But it doesn’t.

真正重要的问题是如何改变。这才是真正的难题。

The question that really matters – the hard question – is how do I change?

首先我需要以一种更好的方式向女儿表达意见。我去问妻子埃莉诺，她十分擅长跟女儿沟通。我问她，当时恰当的应对方式是怎样的。

First, I need a better way to respond to my daughter. For this, I went to my wife, Eleanor, who is truly a master. I asked her how I should have handled it.

她假作对女儿说话的样子，说：“宝贝，地上弄了好多沙子，我们得在沙子弄坏地板之前清理一下，我能帮你吗？”

“Sweetie,” she said, role playing me in the conversation with my daughter, “There’s a lot of sand here and we need to clean it up before it destroys the floors, how can I help?”

简单有效

Simple and effective:

1、明确问题 / dentify the problem

2、提出解决问题的措施 / State what needs to happen

3、提供帮助 / Offer to help

这种处理方式棒极了。顺着这个思路想想你跟同事间的龃龉如何解决。我不是让你叫别人“宝贝”，是说其他方面值得借鉴。

That’s a great way to handle it. Think about any problem you face with someone at work. I don’t suggest you start the conversation with “Sweetie,” but the rest is applicable.

我看到过一位管理者冲自己的直接下属（叫他弗雷德好了）发火，因为弗雷德做的讲演非常凌乱，重点不清。管理者的意见没错，弗雷德确实没讲好，但表达意见的方式让弗雷德失去了自信，因此弗雷德下一次讲演也没有多少起色。管理者可以换一种表达方式：

I watched a manager get angry at a direct report (we’ll call him Fred) for a sloppy, unclear presentation he gave. The manager was right — the presentation was unclear — but the way he responded damaged the employee’s confidence and Fred’s next effort wasn’t much better. Instead, he could have tried this:

“弗雷德，你讲的不是一、两个重点，而是6个，我听得都晕了。应该短一点，更专业，紧扣重点才好。你想讲的到底是什么，我们来讨论一下好吗？”

“Fred, this presentation made six points instead of one or two. I’m left confused. It needs to be shorter, more to the point, and more professional looking. Would it help if we talk about the point you’re trying to make?”

这样就不会让人感到挫败，甚至不会让人失望，只是明确地提供支持。

No frustration. Not even disappointment. Just clarity and support.

还有一次，我看见一位CEO因为下属的策划案与已经做好的预算不符而发脾气。这位CEO的情绪可以理解，甚至可以说是理所当然的，但是却没有用。他可以这样表达：

Another time, I watched as a CEO got annoyed at his direct reports for presenting plans that were not reflective of the budget commitments they had made. His emotion was understandable. Appropriate, even. But not useful. An alternative might have been:

“各位，这组方案不符合预算。预算是我们一致通过的，没得商量。如果你们愿意，可以跟我说说有什么难处，我们一起想办法。”

“Folks, these plans don’t reflect the budget numbers we agreed on. Those numbers are non-negotiable. If you want, you can let me know where you are getting stuck and we can brainstorm solutions.”

明确问题，提出解决问题的措施，提供帮助。简单吧？

Identify the problem. State what needs to happen. Offer to help. Simple, right?

可奇怪的是，就我自身的情况而言，我做不到这一点。一番思索之后，我明白了问题所在。

But – and this is the strange part — in my situation, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. As I thought about it, I realized my impediment.

这样做让我觉得有悖本性。

It didn’t feel authentic.

我坚信要本色管理，真实地生活。女儿惹我生气，我为她的未来担忧，所以如果当时冷静地对待她，我的所为和所感就脱节了。这样不真实。

I believe strongly in leading and living with authenticity. And I was angry and worried about my daughter’s future. So responding calmly, in that moment, would represent a disconnect between how I felt and how I acted. That’s inauthentic.

这就是我突然想到的：从定义上讲，学习就是逆本性而行。

Which is when it hit me: Learning — by definition — will always feel inauthentic.

练习一种新的行为，表达一种新态度，或者采取一种不同的行动，会让人觉得有违本性。已经上演过许多次的老局面，绝不会自然而然地改变。试图改变的时候会觉得别扭、虚伪，好像自己在假装。前面说的那位管理者生气了，那位CEO生气了，不把那种情绪表达出来，感觉很虚伪。

Practicing a new behavior, showing up in a new way, or acting differently, feels inauthentic. Changing a dance that’s been danced many times before will never feel natural. It will feel awkward, fake, like pretending. The hedge fund manager was angry, the CEO was annoyed. Not expressing those emotions feels fake.

但这样更明智，比生气更有指导作用。这是一种更好的帮助对方进步的方法。

But it’s much smarter, more likely to compassionately teach the people around us, and a better approach to getting them to reverse their ineffective behaviors.

要想学习，就要忍耐那种有违本性的感觉，直到自己习惯新的方式，让那种新方式融入自己的本性，不必思考便能自然地采用。

If we want to learn, we need to tolerate the feeling of inauthenticity long enough to integrate the new way of being. Long enough for the new way of being to feel natural. Which, if the new way of being works, happens sooner than you would think.

昨天女儿写作业直到深夜，我不得不叫她离开卧室，去餐厅写，因为她妹妹得上床睡觉了。

Yesterday, my daughter was doing homework late at night and I had to ask her to work in the dining room instead of her bedroom because her younger sister needed to go to bed.

但我在开口前想了想，设身处境地考虑了她会有多难受：被要求离开自己的房间，让妹妹睡觉；被要求挪到一个不如卧室舒服的地方去写作业，作业还很难。

But, before I did, I paused. I empathized with the challenges she would feel, being asked to leave her room for her sister. Being asked to do her difficult homework in a place that wasn’t as comfortable.

“宝贝，”我对她说，“妹妹要睡了，你得去餐厅写作业。我帮你好吗？”明确问题，提出解决问题的措施，提供帮助。

“Sweetie,” I said, “Your sister needs to go to sleep and we need to move you into the dining room. How can I help?” Identify the problem, state what needs to happen, and offer to help.

这样说话感觉很怪异，好像太肉麻了，假惺惺的。

It felt weird. Like I was being overly solicitous. Fake.

但是很有效。

But it worked.

我帮她把东西挪到餐厅，她就接着写作业了。

After I helped her move, she quickly got back to her work.

然后我转身要走，听到她叫我：“爸。”我在门口停下，扭头望着她。“谢谢。”她埋着头说。

Then, as I was walking out, I heard her say “Dad?” I paused at the door and looked back at her. “Thanks,” she said, without looking up from her book.

（安健 | 编辑）

彼得·布雷格曼是Bregman Partners公司CEO，著有畅销书《18分钟》（18 Minutes），最新著作是2015年2月出版的《4秒钟》（Four Seconds）。该公司提供领导力培训项目，并为CEO和高管团队提供咨询。