失去理智的教训

Lessons from losing my mind

演讲者：Andy Dunn

 

When I was 20, I was the Messiah. For about a week. And for those of you who haven't had the privilege of being the Messiah, I have to tell you something. It is awesome.

我20岁的时候，我就是弥赛亚 （注：弥赛亚是希伯来语，意为救世主） 只做了一周的弥赛亚。 对于你们这些从未有幸做过弥赛亚的人来说 我来告诉你们一些事 非常酷

 

Imagine, you are the person that's going to save the world, bring peace on Earth, and no one knows it yet but you.

想象一下， 你即将拯救世界 将和平带到这个地球 除了你所有人都不知道

 

I arrived as the second coming my senior year of college. New Year's Eve, 1999. After a night of partying, I came to a stunning conclusion. I was Jesus 2.0. For the next 100 hours, I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, but I did spend a fair amount of time preaching my gospel at the Burger King in Evanston.

我大四那年的感受 就像耶稣降临一样 那是1999年的新年夜 在晚上派对结束后， 我有了一个惊人的结论 我就是耶稣2.0版 在接下来的100个小时里， 我不能吃，不能睡 花了大量时间在埃文斯顿市的汉堡王 去传播福音

 

Turns out, though -- and this may be a disappointment to my supporters -- that I was in fact not the Messiah. I was just a 20-year-old Midwestern kid having a manic episode later diagnosed as a symptom of bipolar disorder type I. And it was very much not awesome for my family and my friends.

结果是，这可能让我的支持者失望- 我事实上不是弥赛亚 我只是一个躁狂发作的 生活在中西部20岁的小孩儿 之后被诊断有双相障碍Ⅰ型的症状 这对我家人和朋友来说并不酷

 

And so what exactly is a manic episode? Typical symptoms include a lack of sleep, grandiosity, relentless optimism, high-risk behaviors, racing speech and ideas that are seen as delusional. Does that remind you of anyone?

那么，到底什么是躁狂症呢 典型症状包括睡眠需求减少 过度自信或夸大，情绪高涨 有冲动或鲁莽行为 言语急迫 有一些狂妄的想法 这让你想到某些人了吗？

 

Because it sounds to me like an entrepreneur having a good day.

因为这听起来 就像个状态较好的创业家

 

 

And in fact, it is estimated that three percent of all of us have bipolar. A staggering number in its own right. For entrepreneurs, that number is 11 percent. And at the intersection ... Hi, mom, that’s me. The best of both worlds.

事实上，经过预估 我们中大约有3%的人有双相型障碍 确实是一个惊人的数字 对于创业者来说，这个占比是11% 而这两部分相交中.. Hi 老妈，我就是其中一个 我两头都占了

 

And it's not just bipolar. According to a study from the University of California at San Francisco, entrepreneurs also over-index in ADHD, in depression and in substance use. And maybe this correlation between neurodiversity and innovation shouldn't surprise us. After all, to be an entrepreneur is to conjure things that aren't real yet. That sort of invention, that sort of vision requires more than a little bit of magical thinking. A vision that might seem fantastical to others at first is later deemed to be obvious, like, say, flying through the air in a huge metallic capsule at 30,000 feet and 575 miles an hour. For me, that vision -- get ready for it -- was pants.

而且不仅仅是双相情感障碍 根据加州大学旧金山分校的一个研究 创业者中，患注意缺陷与多动障碍 的占比也是破表的 还有抑郁症和药物滥用 或许在神经多样性和创新的相关程度上 我们不该吃惊 毕竟成为一名企业家 就是变出一些还不是真实存在的东西 那种发明，那种远见 需要更多一点的神奇思维 一种起初看起来对其他人来说是幻想 后来就被认为是显而易见的远见思维 比如，在一个巨大的金属胶囊里 以时速为30000英尺， 每小时575英里飞行 对于我来说，这个远见—— 准备好了——就是裤子

 

It's always been pants. OK, well, not exactly. My vision was one for a world where brands would be built internet-first. And so in 2007, I cofounded a menswear e-commerce company called Bonobos.

一直都是裤子 好吧，也不全是 我的远见是这个世界是一个可以 创立以互联网为主的品牌 所以在2007年，我与人共同 创立了叫Bonobos的男装电子商务公司

 

Now I know what you might be thinking. Selling pants online is not that remarkable of a vision. But in 2007, it was improbable. Think about it. Amazon was barely focused on fashion, Apple had only just launched the iPhone. Mobile commerce and the App Store were just a twinkle in the eye. Facebook didn't have an ad platform. That's, by the way, where you acquire customers for a digital brand. And essential tools for digital storytelling, like Instagram and TikTok, didn't even exist. Instagram was three years away from being created, and TikTok was nine years away. Maybe that was a good thing at the time.

现在我知道你可能在想什么了 在网上卖裤子不是什么了不起的远见。 但是在2007年，那是不可能的事情 想一想 那时亚马逊还没有关注时尚 苹果也才刚刚发布iPhone手机 移动商城和APP应用 仅仅只是一个小小闪光 Facebook也没有广告平台 顺便说一句，那是一个 数字品牌获客的主要地方 也是用数字讲故事的必要工具 像Instagram和TikTok还不存在呢 那时离Instagram出现还要三年时间 离TikTok出现还有九年 或许在那个时候，这是一个好事

 

Every venture capitalist we pitched said the same thing: "You guys are crazy." Which is an interesting word choice, if you think about it in this context.

我们接触的每一位风险投资家 都说了同样的话： “你们疯了吧” 如果你在现在的背景下 思考这话是很有趣的

Against these odds, over the next decade we went on to raise 100 million in venture capital, to sell over a million pairs of pants, to invent an inventory-free retail store and open 60 of those, creating ultimately over 500 jobs. The company was acquired a decade after founding by the world's largest retailer by revenues, itself in its own process of digital transformation, for over 300 million. Building any brand now in internet-first is commonplace. It's table stakes. It's obvious. Maybe it wasn't so crazy after all.

在接下来的十年里，克服这些困难 我们从风险投资那里筹集了1亿资金 卖出超过一百万条裤子 创造了一个零库存的零售店， 并开了60个这样的店， 最终创造了超过500个岗位 公司在创立十年后 被世界最大的零售商按收益收购 它在它自己的数字化转型过程中 盈利超过3亿 当下在互联网上创立品牌是一个常见的事情 是桌上的赌注 是显而易见的 或许这也没那么疯狂

 

But there was a dark side to this success. Friends and mentors and other business leaders warned me that the entrepreneurial journey was filled with dramatic mood swings, highs and lows. They even call startups what? A roller coaster. And so my bipolar disorder was cloaked, not as symptoms of an illness or a condition, but symptoms of a job.

但这一成功也有不为人知的一面 朋友和导师，还有其他商业领袖也警告过我 创业之旅是充满了戏剧性的情绪波动， 有高潮有低谷 他们甚至称初创公司为什么？ 过山车 所以我的双相情感障碍也被掩盖了， 不是关于疾病方面的症状 而是指工作的症状

 

I cycled through a couple of mood states. Dizzyingly productive periods of hypomania, a misunderstood [mood] state that is a diluted form of mania without the telltale psychosis that leads to a diagnosis of bipolar I, but all of the increased energy and creativity and ideation and joie de vivre and burning the candle at both ends. You can get a lot done when you’re hypomanic. Alternating with devastating periods of depression. For me, both mild and severe, often 50 or 100 days at a time, catatonic, can't get out of bed, disappearing on the team, unable to go to work. Sometimes undesiraous of living.

我经历了几个情绪状态 在轻狂躁期，效率惊人 这种淡化了狂躁症是一种被误解的情绪状态 没有明显的精神病症状 很少导致人们想到是双相情感障碍症 但是所有高涨的精力和创造力 还有构思能力和享受生活乐趣 像是两端在燃烧的蜡烛 在轻狂躁期你可以完成很多事情 与之相随的，就是巨大的抑郁时期出现 对我来说，无论是轻度还是重度 经常每50天或者100天出现一次 患了紧张症似的，不能起床， 从团队里消失 完全不能够工作 有时候对生活失去了欲望

 

And all of it was amplified by what was happening at work. A gutting co-founder divorce, a rotating door of executive turnover, maddening and expensive flights into shiny new objects and distracting ideas, often driven by hypomania, and a whopping cash flow burn rate that at times reached five million dollars a month. It's hard to do, actually, but but we did it.

所有的这些都被工作中发生的事情放大了 联合创始人离婚 高管的交替更换 令人抓狂的昂贵机票 到一个崭新的项目和令人眼花缭乱的想法 都经常被轻狂躁症支配 以及惊人的现金流消耗率， 有时达到500万美元 一个月 这非常难，实际上，但我们做到了

 

And all of it boiled over in 2016. I was leading a team of 400 people when the mania that I hadn't experienced since I was preaching the gospel at Burger King when I was 20 came raging back. In a manic episode at my New York apartment, I rose from my bed, literally howling at the moon, convinced I was the president and Batman, which is actually a high-potential combination, if you think about it.

这一切在2016年开始爆发 我当时带领一个超过400人的团队 那时我还没有经历过狂躁症 自从我20岁在汉堡王传福音 这次来势汹汹 一次狂躁症发作在我纽约的公寓里 我从床上爬起来，对着月亮大声嚎叫 深信我自己是总统 也是蝙蝠侠 如果你仔细想想 这确实是一个有潜力的组合

 

And then the darkness really set in. I smashed my fist into a glass window pane. And worst of all, I struck my now-wife, Manuela, and pushed and kicked her mother, Leni, to the ground as they tried to protect me, to prevent me from running naked into the streets of Greenwich Village. When I saw ... When I saw Leni two weeks later, I thought it would be for the last time. And instead, she put her hand on my hand and she said something I’ll never forget, and something I hope all of you never forget. She said, "Andy, this is just like any chronic physical illness. All you have to do is see your doctor and take your medication. And if you do, and if Manuela wants to stay with you, then you have my blessing."

之后黑暗降临了 我把拳头砸进玻璃窗 最糟糕的是，我还打了我的妻子， 曼努埃拉 还推搡倒地并踢了她的妈妈，伦恩 当时她们是试图保护我 阻止我裸体跑到格林威治村的街上 当我看到 当我两周后看到伦恩 我以为这将是最后一次 然而，她却把她的手放到我的手上 她说了一句我永远不会忘记的话， 也是我希望你们永远不要忘记的话 她说“安迪，这就像任何慢性的身体疾病一样 你所要做的就是去看医生并服用药物 如果你这么做了 如果曼努埃拉想要和你在一起， 那么你会得到我的祝福”

 

And I started crying, as you might imagine. And Manuela did stay with me. But her love and commitment came with conditions. It was our rabbi who told us on our wedding day that the only unconditional love on the planet is that between parent and child, which was a disappointing thing to hear on my wedding day.

正如你想的，我开始哭起来 曼努埃拉确实和我在一起了 但是她的爱和承诺是有条件的 那是我们的拉比在结婚那天告诉我们的 这地球上唯一无条件的爱 是父母和孩子之间的 这在婚礼上听到确实让人挺失望的

 

I thought, you know, I was headed for the unconditional love thing. He said all other forms of love are conditioned. They are conditioned upon each of us treating each other well, which requires accountability and boundaries, conditioned upon an honest and transparent exchange of information and feelings, which requires disclosure and feedback, and conditioned upon each of us, individually, doing all in our power to be well, which requires initiative and self care.

我认为，你知道的，我是向往无条件的爱 他说所有其他形式的爱都是有条件的 这些条件是基于我们每个人都要善待对方， 这需要我们有责任心和边界感 这些条件是基于诚实 和无所保留的信息和感觉 这需要我们公开和及时反馈 以及这些条件是基于我们每一个个体 尽我们所能做到最好 这需要我们积极主动和自我照顾的能力

 

And this is not just in our personal lives. It's also at work. Now, Manuela and I are married with a two-year-old.

这不仅仅是在我们个人生活中 在工作中也是一样 现在曼努埃拉和我已经结婚 并有一个两岁的孩子了

 

He's not two in that photo. That would be a very small two-year-old.

在这个照片里他没有两岁 两岁的孩子显然不止这么小

 

And look, some days that feels like a miracle. From where I was to now, it feels like a miracle. And while Manuela's love is a miracle and Isaiah’s existence, his very existence, is a miracle, my getting well was not a miracle. It was very hard work and it still is.

看，有些日子，感觉像是奇迹 从我那时到现在，感觉像是奇迹 当然曼努埃拉的爱也是奇迹 以及以赛亚的存在， 他的存在本身就是一个奇迹 我的康复并非奇迹 这是一个非常难的事情，现在依然如此

 

So I have got, and I'm proud to say, an Olympic regimen of mental hygiene and mental fitness. Let me play it to you. I see a psychiatrist two to three times a week for a 45-minute therapy session. Now, you would think therapy once a week is enough. But for me, I want my doctor to lay eyes on me every 72 hours so he can assess my mood. I've got five different medications that I take. One every day and the other four we titrate up and down depending on where I am. And then I've got a relentless focus on sleep, because sleep is for me, certainly, with bipolar, a leading or a lagging indicator of mood. And by the way, that might be all of us.

但我做到了，并且可以骄傲地说 是奥林匹克精神卫生和心理健康养生法 让我展开说说 我每周见两到三次精神科医生 进行45分钟的治疗 现在，你可能认为一周一次就够了 但对于我来说，我想让医生 每72小时就能看到我一次 所以他就可以及时评估的情绪 我服用了五种不同的药物 其中一种药每天服用， 其他四种需要用滴定法测量 取决于我的状态 然后我开始坚持不懈地专注于睡眠 因为睡眠对于我来说，当然， 有着双相情感障碍的人 是一个情绪高低的指标 顺便说一下，这对我们所有人来说都是一样

 

And so every morning, the first thing I do is I send a Fitbit sleep report to a WhatsApp group that includes my doctor, my wife and the three people who have endured this with me the longest: My mom, Usha, my dad, Charlie, and my sister Monica. Here it is. Every morning, this is my statement of life. And what is it? It is a daily reminder to never forget what's possible. For all of our strengths have shadows, don't they?

所以，每天早上，我做的第一件事是 我发一个Fitbit睡眠报告到WhtasApp小组 小组里有我的医生，我的妻子 以及和我一起忍受这一切最久的三个人： 我的妈妈，乌莎，我的爸爸， 查理和我的姐姐，莫妮卡 就是这个 每个早晨，这是我生命的宣言 这是什么呢？ 这是每日提醒我绝不要忘记什么是可能的 我们所有的力量都有阴影，不是吗

 

It doesn't take a lot of brainpower to bring to mind other entrepreneurs, leaders and visionaries who have caused great harm to themselves and others. Even society at large. And so what do we do? We admire their strengths. We even lionize them as individuals. But their shadows we ignore. And we do so at our individual and collective peril.

对于其他创业者，领导者或者那些有远见的人 不需要花费过多的脑力去想 到底谁给我们自己和其他人 带来了巨大的伤害 即使社会也在逃避 所以，我们要做些什么呢？ 我们承认他们的力量 我们甚至把他们奉为个体 但是我们忽略了他们的阴影 我们这么做会给我们个人和集体带来危险

 

I would know because for 16 years I ignored mine at great cost to myself and others. Why did I do that? Because I didn’t want to “be bipolar.” That's what we say of people who have bipolar. We don’t say someone “is cancer.” We say they have it. That's a first step to helping our friends and our loved ones and our colleagues, not by conflating their illness or condition with their identity, but by acknowledging it as just a part of their life story and then helping them confront it.

我知道 因为这16年我忽略了自己 给我自己和其他人带来了巨大的损失 我为什么这么做呢 因为我不想“成为一个双相情感障碍的人” 这也是我们对那些双相情感障碍的人说的 我们不会说某人“是癌症” 我们会说他们有癌症 这是我们帮助朋友的第一步 或者我们爱的人和我们同事 不把他们的疾病和身份混为一谈 而是承认它使我们生活的一部分 然后帮助他们面对它

 

At work, I think therapy should be more or less mandatory for people who lead teams. Second chances for unethical leaders should require great consideration. Assholes should just straight up no longer be accommodated.

在工作中，我认为对领导团队的人来说， 治疗或多或少应该是强制性的。 对于不道德领导者，是否给与 二次机会应该得到充分考虑 不再够再容纳那些混蛋

 

Boards need to step up. And all of us, we need to raise our hands when we're not well and then seek and secure the help we need.

董事会需要加强 对于我们来说 当我们感觉不好的时候需要举起手 然后寻求并确保是我们所需要的帮助。

 

I have been unbelievably lucky. My family, old and new, stuck by me. My board stuck by me, my executive team stuck by me. And I have access to wildly good health care. I love my psychiatrist. I call him my most expensive friend.

不可置信我是多么的幸运 我的家人，新的和旧的，都和我在一起 我的董事会和我在一起 我的高层团队也和我在一起 我得到了超乎想象的好的健康关怀 我爱我的治疗师 我称呼他为我最昂贵的朋友

And I have -- and how many people have you heard this from -- I have medication that actually works. Because of all that, all that support and all that scaffolding, I am able to live and love and work with bipolar I. This shouldn't be a matter of luck.

我有--有多少人听过这句 我有吃药并且真的有用 因为这些， 这些所有的支持和所有的帮助 我能够带着双相情感障碍 去生活，去爱，去工作 这不应该是运气的问题

 

And so I've got one more crazy idea. Maybe my craziest idea of all. We need to make mental health care fundamentally acceptable. Actually --

我现在有了一个疯狂的想法 或许是我最疯狂的想法 我们需要让心理健康护理从根本上被接受。 在实际上--

 

Hang on, this whole thing is going to land great. Actually affordable and universally accessible.

等一下，这整个事情走向非常好 在实际上可以负担得起， 而且可以随时获得

 

Look, I want us to be delusional sometimes. I want to be delusional sometimes. I want people whose brains work differently, like mine does and like yours might, to be able to dream crazy dreams, to share crazy thoughts, and God willing or universe willing, bring those dreams to life. But we have to keep ourselves in check, don't we? After all, only messiahs are all-knowing. And entrepreneurs are not gods. Even when we think we are.

看，我希望我们有时候有妄想症 我有时想有妄想症 我希望那些大脑想法不同的人， 像我的和你的或许就不同 但能够去想象疯狂的想法 去分享这些疯狂的想法 在上帝的意愿或者宇宙的意愿中 把这些疯狂的想法带到生活中 但我们必须要保证我们自己在控制中，对吧？ 最后，只有弥赛亚是全知的 创业者不是神 即使我们以为我们是

 

We will be better humans, building a better future together, when we take stock not just of how we change the world, but how we treated each other and ourselves along the way. And the president and Batman both agree.

我们会是最好的人类 去一起建造最完美的未来 我们不仅要盘点我们如何是改变世界的 也要评估在这一过程中 我们是如何对待彼此和我们自己的 最后，总统和蝙蝠侠都会赞同的

 

Thank you.

谢谢。