【战锤40k同人作品翻译】Ennui 第十章：慰籍 Comfort

本章概述：

            伊莎莱谈到死亡和雪花。

            In which Isarae discusses death and snowflakes.

 

正文：

我笑了。

我得承认，她的紧张和不安令我倍感愉悦，她在我的存在下局促不安也很讨喜。她的味道里有种羞耻，如此的羞耻，还有别的……哦对，还有吸引力。

我放松地躺下来，倚靠在浴池的边缘上，与此同时那双浅绿色眼睛时不时被我吸引过去。我闭上双眼以给她一点隐私感，让她自认为可以在我不知道的情况下随便偷看我。

就好像一个科摩罗的巫灵没法立刻察觉某人正用渴望的目光看着她似的。

真有意思。

亚历桑德拉……

她的凝视离开了我，我睁开眼睛，若有所思地看着她转过身去背对着我。亚历桑德拉被污垢覆盖着的脸颊羞红了一片，一个想法在我脑中浮现，在我脸上留下了淡淡的微笑。

当我把手伸向背后捡起被丢在附近的一块柔软的洗脸巾时，我想到自己在过去几个小时里感受到的恐怕比在科摩罗的那几年都要多。

我把毛巾浸入水中，在亚历桑德拉转身时把它提起来，她在我坐起来滑向她时很可爱地僵住了。

“不要动，Cre’yth，”我指示道，出乎我的意料，她在我举起湿毛巾，覆到她的脸上并开始清洁时真的照做了。“你的脸可爱到不该被兽人蒙着。”

我缓缓地把湿毛巾盖上她的脸颊，同时她的喉咙后面发出一阵被噎住似的微弱声响，我淘洗了毛巾，重复了一遍又一遍，直到她的脸上一点污渍都不剩下。我随后转到她的头发上，她美丽的，目前被脏兮兮的棕黄色和干涸血迹玷污的白发，我也同样地开始洗净它。

我发现这种行为带有一种满足感。在回答亚历桑德拉问我为什么在做那些事的问题时我一直坦诚相待。我盼着做些新东西，而对于我这种生物来讲，并没有多少事物符合这个条件。

从她的动作来看这对我们两人来说都是全新的体验，在我清洗她的头发和脸时，我研究起她的面部特征。

亚历桑德拉是人类，而我认为她以人类的标准来看相当漂亮。她的脸庞匀称地令人愉快，不过在脸颊和鼻子上散落着些雀斑，她的脸颊有一种柔和的圆润感，这从她的脸上带走了大部分严肃感。

她的嘴唇……对于一个战士来讲这也太软了，不过我随后便想到她还年轻，战争还尚未硬化她。

“好多了，”我放下毛巾轻声说道，一边转过她的头以查看是否擦掉了所有污渍，一边从她脸上拂去几缕苍白。“不是吗，Cre’yth？”

“那是什么词？”亚历桑德拉发问，倒并不一定是责难，不过她的语气还是有着棱角。“Craith？那是什么？是种脏话吗？”

“Cre’yth，”我纠正她，“这并非辱骂，Mon-Keigh才是种辱骂，Cre’yth的意思不过是……”我皱了皱眉，查找着她的语言里的那个词，不过我还是没想起来。我并不如自己所想的那样精通他们的语言，时不时地会理解不了一些词语。“它又小又白，在寒冷的季节里落到特定的行星上时叫Ythala。”

“雪？”

我打了个响指，点点头。

“雪，对，”我伸手挑起她的几束白发。“Ythala是下落着的雪，或者降雪，Cre’yth 是‘小的雪’，就是构成降雪的小东西。”

“你是说雪花？”亚历桑德拉轻笑起来。“你一直管我叫雪花？”

“如果你喜欢的话我也可以叫你Cresistauead，”我漠然地回应，她疑惑地看向我。“它的意思是‘小笨孩’，我们相比Mon-Keigh更多用这个称呼你们。”

“灵族都这么喜欢贬损别人吗？”亚历桑德拉有些尖酸地回道，这又在我脸上勾起一抹微笑。

“对，大多是的，”我肯定道，她的脸上升起一股怒意，我的回复则令其被更深的困惑取代。“贬损他人，居高临下，自私自利，”我笑着蹬离她潜入水中，过了一会儿又湿漉漉地浮起来，头发紧贴在身上。“我们种族是一群享乐主义的伪君子，永远都看不起银河中因我们徒劳无益的迂曲而蒙难的受尽践踏的居民。”

我冷笑着说出最后一个词。

亚历桑德拉震惊地盯着我站起身来走上浴池的小台阶，直到我只有脚踝以下没在水里，随后我转向她，浮夸地张开双臂。

“该死又美丽的我们！”我欢呼道，愤恨地笑起来。“如星辰般不朽，又如虚空般空洞。”

她不加掩饰地直盯着我，她瞪大的眼睛后闪着某种炽热的东西。亚历桑德拉被惊到沉默不语，我对着她微笑，让双手划过我的曲线，并有些满意地看着她的眼睛紧跟上去。

“我难道不美吗，亚历桑德拉？”我第一次用上她的名字，以轻柔的低语发问，这似乎把她的注意力带回我的眼睛上。“该死又美丽，一如我所有卑鄙的同类们。”

“停下，”她的声音微弱又紧张。“不……不管你在对我做什么……停下。”

我抬起眼眸，笑呵呵地摇摇头坐回水里。

“我没对你做任何事，Cre’yth，”我简单地说，“我没有那种力量，黑暗灵族——我来自的灵族分支——戒绝了亚空间的鬼魅力量，转而追求肉体的完美……”我再次伸开双臂，让她欣赏我的柔韧身段，“我能在你的爆弹风暴间舞蹈，但我不再能操纵你的心智，就像我无法从指尖射出闪电一样。”

“我以为所有灵族都是灵能者，”她看上去无比迷茫，但令我惊讶的是她似乎在倾听。“但你还坚称自己完全不是灵能者？”

“所有的灵族都对灵能敏感，”我纠正道，慢悠悠地仰躺回水里。“我的同类可以像饮食一样从情绪和强烈的感受上汲取营养，但我们有意地避免使用任何你所畏惧的那种力量。”

“但你就不能让我感受到点什么吗？”亚历桑德拉发问，我笑的更厉害了。

“我当然能！”我转瞬间拉近我和她之间的距离，直到我们的鼻子几乎碰到一起，在我看向她的眼睛时她的脸颊通红。“但我不需要巫术来做到这点，Cre’yth。”

一种莫名的冲动驱使我伸出舌头舔了舔她的鼻尖，使得她猛地后退到贴在浴池边缘，还发出一阵令我满意的尴尬的尖叫声。我向远处漂去，笑得更开心了。

“不要那么做！”她厉声道，我笑得愈发厉害。

“为什么？”我笑著后仰，浮在浴池中央。“我死期将至……所以我为什么要停下？直到死亡找上我前可以随心所欲，不过别担心，亚历桑德拉，我想很快就会了。”

意料之外的，没有反驳，只有紧张的沉默。我微微侧过头从我漂浮着的地方看向她，发现她正盯着我，不带渴求或是尴尬，而是……担心。

尽管水很温暖，我还是吸入了一丝令我打了个寒战的情绪。我这之前从未品尝过与之相似的东西，在我漫长的一生中我从未尝过这种味道。

“那是什么？”我向前倾，直至再度站起来，又一次拉近了我们之间的距离。“那种感受，你现在对我有什么感受……那是什么？”

“我的感受？”亚历桑德拉停顿了下来，神色慌乱了一阵，终于叹了口气，摇摇头。“我想我只是……不喜欢你那么说。”

“你的帝皇仅凭我的存在就要我死，”我挖苦地说。“我的死难道不该让你满意么？”

“严格来说神皇的旨意裁定整个银河系都应该是人类的主权自留地，”亚历桑德拉尴尬地澄清道。“这包括了所有由异形统治的世界，而拒绝懿旨是针对神皇的异端行径。可你……你赞同这点，所以也可以说你并没被裁定去死，在这种情况下。”

“那你为什么在乎？”我朝她弹了几滴水，不过它们在还差一指长的地方就落了下来。“你问过我，那我现在也问你同样的问题……你为什么在乎？我选择去死与你有何关联？你在一小时前还相当赞成这个看法。”

“你与我预期的不一样，”亚历桑德拉柔和地回应，把双腿收进臂弯里，搅动着我们之间的水面。“你与在教授灵族种族时我被告知会遇见的样子完全不同，我再也不确定该怎么看待它，或你。”

“那么等我死了，你内心的不和谐就会被纠正，你就再也不用想起我了。”我提议道。

“不要！”

她的声音回荡在盥洗室雾蒙蒙的潮湿墙壁上，一阵痛苦的战栗如潮水般冲击着我，如灾厄的预告般震撼着我的灵魂。有那么一会儿，我还无法确定，但在片刻之后理性重申了自己的权威，并指向了唯一的答案。

它来自亚历桑德拉。

“你不想要我死，是吗？”我柔声细语，而她瑟缩了一下。“你可以这么说，知道吗，”我漫不经心地指着四周。“除非你没注意到，我倒不认为你的神皇此时正过度关注着这个世界。”

“你可以获准，”亚历桑德拉小声回复道，忽略了我的轻微亵渎，这又一次让我感到惊讶。“这很罕见，但它的确发生过……证明了自己的异形有可能获得帝国的批准，你可以加入我们。”

“这和我的目的几乎搭不上边，Cre’yth，”我轻笑着指出，随即皱起眉头。“我已经厌倦了生存，亚历桑德拉，而且即便你的帝国官僚机构会‘批准’一个黑暗灵族的巫灵——我相当不确定他们会这么做——我也不想再活下去了。”

“为什么？”亚历桑德拉的声音几乎染上了哭腔，我面露不悦。

“因为我已经选择去死，”我强调着这一点，径直走向她，直至高高在上地站在她上方。“我的一生都花在鲜血和痛苦之海，现在已经没有什么能打动我了，你和你的……不管你要给我的是什么都会消逝在时间中，而那种想法只会刺激我更进一步。”

“我什么都不会给你，”亚历桑德拉红着脸回嘴，我嗤笑一声。

“你同情我，”我跪在水中，伸手覆在她的脸颊上。

“你关心我，而时间久了我会对此麻木，那甜美的味道，我宁可在那和其他的一切化为乌有前死去。”

她黝黑的皮肤温暖地贴在我的掌心上，我纵容自己用拇指轻柔地拂过她的眼下，停在我在那里发现的一朵三瓣花的黑色小纹身上。

“能在被那麻木吞噬前死去的你是幸运的，”我把我的额头贴上她的。如果我生而为人的话，我或许能过上满足的短暂人生。“我嫉妒你，亚历桑德拉。”

我抬起头来，在她眉间印下一个吻，随后站起身来，从她身边走出浴池，离开盥洗室，只在从架子上拿起毛巾披在头肩上时停了下来。

很快……我很快就会死，我长久的存在终于会迎来结束，如果运气好的话，它会早到我可能在最后时刻还在想着那双美丽的绿色眼睛，内心感受着一如当下的激荡。

对，那将是个好死法，我如此认为。

 

原文：

I smiled.

Her tension and discomfort were amusing, I had to admit, and the way she squirmed in my presence was simply delightful. There was shame, such shame, in her flavor, and there was something else too… oh yes, there was attraction.

Those fair green eyes were drawn to me over and over as I laid back and relaxed against the rim of the bath. I closed my eyes to give her a sense of privacy, to let her convince herself she could steal what glances she wished at my body without my knowing.

As if a Wych of Commorragh would not know immediately when someone was looking at her with desire.

How very quaint.

Alessandra… 

Her gaze left me, and I opened one eye to regard her thoughtfully as she was turning away from me. Alessandra’s cheeks, beneath the patina of grime, were reddening, and a thought occurred to me that put another faint smile on my face.

I reflected, as I reached behind me and picked up one of the soft washcloths that were stowed nearby, on how I’d probably felt more in the past several hours than I had in the past several years on Commorragh.

Dipping the cloth into the water, I lifted it just as Alessandra turned, and she froze adorably as I sat up and slid closer her.

“Stay still, Cre’yth,” I commanded and, to my surprise, she actually did as I raised the damp cloth her face and began to clean it. “Your face is far too lovely to be covered in Ork.”

She made a small choking sound in the back of her throat as I went about the slow process of drawing the wet cloth over her cheek, rinsing it, repeating, and again, until her face was free of the filth. I moved to her hair next, the lovely pale hair that was currently stained a dirty brown with dried blood, and began washing that clean as well.

There was, I found, a certain satisfaction in this act. I had not been untruthful when I had answered Alessandra’s question as to why I was doing what I was doing. I wished to do something new, and for a creature like me, there were very few things that fit that particular descriptor.

This was new to us both, from the way she was acting, and as I cleaned her hair and face, I studied her features.

Alessandra was human and I suppose by human standards she was quite beautiful. Her face was pleasantly symmetrical but for a scattering of freckles across her cheeks and nose, and her cheeks had a gentle roundness to them that stole much of the severity from her expressions.

And her lips… they seemed far too soft for a warrior, but then I suppose she was young enough that war had not yet hardened her.

“Much better,” I said quietly as I lowered the cloth, brushing clean strands of pale white from her face as I turned her head this way and that to ensure I’d gotten all of muck. “Isn’t it, Cre’yth?”

“What is that word?” Alessandra asked, not necessarily accusingly, but there was a hard edge to her tone. “Craith? What is it? An insult?”

“Cre’yth,” I corrected her, “and it is not an insult, Mon-Keigh is an insult, Cre’yth simply means…” I frowned, searching for the word in her tongue, but my mind failed me. I was not as well-versed in their language as I would have liked, and some terms eluded me at times. “It is small and white, called Ythala when it falls in the cold seasons of certain planets.”

“Snow?”

I snapped my fingers and nodded.

“Snow, yes,” I reached out and gathered a few strands of her pale hair, “Ythala is falling snow, or snowfall, and Cre’yth is ‘little snow’, the small bits that make up the snowfall.”

“You mean snowflakes?” Alessandra laughed a little weakly. “You’ve been calling me ‘snowflake’?”

“I could call you Cresistauead, if you would prefer,” I replied flatly, and she gave me a look of confusion. “It means ‘small stupid child’ and it is what most of my kind call yours other than Mon-Keigh.”

“Are all Eldar so derogatory?” Alessandra’s reply was acidic, and it drew another smile from me.

“Yes, mostly,” I agreed, and the anger fled from her face, replaced with more confusion at my response. “Derogatory, condescending, and self-absorbed,” I laughed as I kicked away from her and ducked beneath the water, then emerged a moment later dripping wet, with my hair plastered across my body. “We are a race of hedonistic hypocrites, forever looking down on the trodden-upon denizens of the galaxy we ruined with our vain, pointless meanderings.”

I said the last words with a sneer.

Alessandra stared at me in shock as I stood to my full height and stepped up onto the small ascending stair of the bath until I was only ankle-deep before turning to her, flourishing myself, and spreading my arms wide.

“Damned and beautiful are we!” I crowed, laughing bitterly. “Immortal as the stars and as vacuous as the spaces between them.”

She was staring unabashedly now, her eyes wide and lit with something fervent behind them. Alessandra was stunned into silence as I smiled down at her, letting my hands slip across my curves, and I watched with some satisfaction as her eyes followed them.

“Am I not beautiful, Alessandra?” I asked in a soft whisper, using her given name for the first time, and it seemed to snap her attention back to my eyes. “Damned and beautiful, like all of my wretched kind.”

“Stop,” her voice came out weak and strained. “W-Whatever it is you’re doing to me… stop.”

I raised an eyebrow, chuckling as I shook my head and sat back down in the water.

“I’m not doing anything to you, Cre’yth,” I said simply, “I do not possess that power, the Drukharii, the Aeldarii where I am from, eschew the more eldritch powers of the warp in favor of physical perfection…” I held out my arms again, letting her admire my lithe figure, “I can dance between storms of your bolter shells, but I can no more manipulate your mind than I can cast lightning from my fingertips.”

“I thought all Eldar were psykers,” She looked more confused than anything but, to my surprise, she actually seemed to be listening. “Yet you claim you are no psyker at all?”

“All Aeldarii are psychically sensitive,” I corrected, leaning back into the water languidly. “My kind can draw sustenance from emotions and intense sensations as much as food and drink, but we purposefully refrain from using anything like the powers you so fear.”

“But you can’t simply make me feel things?” Alessandra asked, and I laughed more deeply.

“Of course I can!” I closed the distance between us in a flash until our noses were nearly touching, and her cheeks flushed scarlet as I stared into her eyes. “But I don’t need sorcery to do so, Cre’yth.”

Possessed by a nameless urge, I stuck out my tongue and licked the tip of her nose, causing her to squeak out a most satisfyingly embarrassed noise as she recoiled and plastered herself to the edge of the bath, and I laughed even harder as I floated away.

“Stop that!” She snapped, and I laughed all the harder.

“Why?” I chuckled as I leaned back to float in the center of the bath. “I will die soon… so why should I stop? I shall do as I please until death claims me, but do not worry, Alessandra, for it shall be soon, I think.”

To my surprise, no retort followed, just a strained silence. I turned my head slightly to regard her from where I floated and found her staring at me not with lust or embarrassment but with… concern.

I breathed in the bouquet of emotions and shivered despite the warmth of the water. I had never tasted anything like this before, not in my abominably long life have I once tasted whatever this flavor is.

“What is that?” I tipped forward until I was on my feet again and closed the distance between us once more. “That feeling… what you’re feeling towards me now… what is that?”

“What I’m feeling?” Alessandra stalled out, looking flustered for a moment, then finally sighed and shook her head. “I suppose I just… didn’t like it when you said that is all.”

“Your Emperor mandates my death by dint of my existence,” I pointed out wryly. “Should my death not satisfy you?”

“Technically the God-Emperor’s Mandate decrees all the galaxy be the sovereign demesne of mankind,” Alessandra clarified awkwardly. “Which includes all worlds under xenos rule, and refusal of the Mandate is heresy against the God-Emperor but you… you agree, so one could argue that death is not mandated, in this case.”

“And why do you care?” I flicked a few droplets of water her way, though they fell short by a finger’s length. “You asked me, now I pose you the same query… why do you care? What matter is it to you that I choose to die? You were agreeable enough to the notion an hour ago.”

“You are not what I expected,” Alessandra replied softly, tucking her legs in under her arms as the water swirled between us. “You are nothing like what I was told I would meet when I was lectured on the Eldar race, and I’m not certain anymore what to make of it, or of you.”

“Then your dissonance shall be rectified when I die, and you need never think of me again,” I offered.

“NO!”

Her voice echoed around the mist-damp walls of the washroom, and a tremor of a pained ache struck me like a surge tide and rocked me across my soul like the herald of a calamity. For a moment, I could not place it, but reason asserted itself a moment later and pointed towards the only possible answer.

It had come from Alessandra.

“You don’t want me to die, do you?” I said softly, and she flinched. “You’re permitted to say it, you know,” I gestured around us blithely. “Unless it has escaped your notice, I do not think your God-Emperor is watching this particular world too closely for the time being.”

“You could be sanctioned,” Alessandra replied quietly, ignoring my small blasphemy, which surprised me yet again. “It’s rare, but it has happened… xenos who prove themselves may receive sanction by the Imperium, you could join us.”

“That hardly aligns with my intentions, Cre’yth,” I noted with a small laugh, then frowned. “I am weary of this existence, Alessandra, and even if your Imperial bureaucracy would ‘sanction’ a Druchi Wych, and I highly doubt they would, I do not want to persist any longer.”

“Why?” Alessandra’s voice was almost wet, and I scowled.

“Because I have chosen to pass,” I pressed the point as I advanced on her until I was standing over her, towering over her. “My lifespan has been purchased in oceans of blood and seas of pain and there is nothing now that moves me, you and your… whatever it is you are giving me, is fleeting and will fade in time as well, and that thought only spurs me onward.”

“I’m not giving you anything,” she bit out through her flush, and I chuckled.

“You feel for me,” I knelt in the water, reached out, and pressed my palm to her cheek. “You care for me, and in time I will grow numb to it, and the taste is sweet, and I would prefer to die before I felt that fall to nothingness with everything else.”

Her dark skin was warm against my pale flesh, and I indulged myself as I ran my thumb softly just beneath her eye, resting it on the small black tattoo of a three-pointed flower I found there.

“Blessed are you who will die before that numbness swallows you,” I pressed my forehead to hers. Had I been born human perhaps I might have lived a satisfying, if short, life. “I envy you, Alessandra.”

I raised my head and pressed a kiss to her brow, then stood, stepped out of the bath past her to leave the washroom, pausing only to pull a towel from one of the racks and drape it over my head and shoulders.

Soon… I would die soon and my long persistence would finally be at an end, and if I were fortunate it would happen soon enough that I might think of those lovely green eyes in my final moments and feel the same stirring then that I do now.

Yes, that would be a good death, I think.