【中英双语】想与孩子好好相处，职场父母不妨学学这些管理技巧
How Your Leadership Style Can Inform Your Parenting
埃米·耶恩·苏（Amy Jen Su）|文
Todd seemed especially distracted during our coaching meeting. I paused to ask him what was on his mind. He apologized and said that he couldn’t stop thinking about an exchange he had with his teenage son the previous evening where they both ended up frustrated at each other. Todd shared that as a working parent, he cherished the moments he and his son were free at the same time given both of their busy schedules. He couldn’t understand why when they were finally together, their interactions ended up tense or not going as he had hoped.
在我的辅导课上，客户托德似乎心烦意乱，我问他在想什么。他向我道歉，说是忍不住回想昨晚跟青春期儿子那场不愉快的交流。托德说自己上班很忙，儿子也忙，所以他很珍视自己和儿子都能休息的时候。他不明白，难得聚在一起，为什么总是不欢而散。
As a working parent of a teen myself, I could relate to Todd’s situation. The parenting needs of teenagers and the need to balance career and family don’t go away just because our kids become more independent — they just change.
我自己也是有青春期孩子的职场家长，能理解托德的感受。孩子变得更独立之后，照顾孩子的需求和平衡事业与家庭的需求并不会消失，只是改变了。
Todd and I discussed how raising teens is like leading other leaders in some ways — working with people who developmentally crave more autonomy and are seeking more empowerment and freedom. His son shared that sometimes it felt like his dad wasn’t listening but rather was still directing, telling, and teaching him like when he was a younger boy. Since Todd’s colleagues had made similar observations in his 360, he wondered what leadership and communications tools he was developing as a leader of leaders that he could draw on and apply at home as well. Here are some of the tactics that worked for Todd that may help you apply strengths from work to interact with your teen in a more positive way.
我与托德讨论应对青少年和做企业领导者的相似之处：对象都是渴望获得更多自主性、想要更多权力和自由的人。托德的儿子说，有时感到父亲没在听自己说话，仍然像对待小男孩一样指导、告诉和教育他该做什么。托德的同事在360度反馈里也给出了相似的意见，因此托德觉得可以将职场的领导和沟通工具用在家里。以下几个策略对他很有用，或许也能帮助你更好地与自己正值青春期的孩子沟通。
Reset your role
重新设置自己的角色
Recognize that your teen now has more life experience. Like a leader grooming a successor or protégé, think of yourself as a guide or coach who is setting up another person to spread their wings and be fully independent in your absence. Bring a development focus and meet your teen where they are now. This includes assessing their current life skills and acknowledging that they are growing up. Name the change or transition you are in as parent and child and determine together where they could take on more responsibilities with regard to chores or what set of decisions they can start to make more on their own.
要意识到青春期的孩子已经有了更多的人生经验。你要像企业领导者培养继承人或提携人才一样，把自己当作指导者，指导另一个人展开翅膀、能在你不在场的时候独当一面。关注孩子的发展，了解他们目前所处的阶段，包括评估他们目前具备的技能并确认他们正在成长。认可当下你们作为家长和孩子所处的转型阶段，一起确定孩子可以在哪些方面承担更多责任或更自主地做出决定。
Actively work to build their self-efficacy by offering more opportunities to engage in experiences that will help them develop their skills, judgment, and resilience. This could include things like independently navigating public transportation to get to school or taking on a part-time job.
主动为孩子建立自我效能感，提供更多机会让他们在实践中发展技能、判断力和韧性。例如让他们独自乘坐公共交通去学校，或者从事兼职工作。
Redefine boundaries
调整边界
In order to safely encourage and offer a greater range of decision-making and growth experiences, one of the most important tools for a leader of leaders is reexamining boundaries and assessing risk. Sometimes when leaders receive feedback to “empower more,” they swing the pendulum too far by being too hands off. Loosening the reins without some level of intentionality can result in inadvertently putting someone in a situation they are not yet equipped to handle or where the risks are too high. Your goal is to safely widen the guardrails while empowering and offering autonomy within new limits.
要不失稳妥地鼓励和提供更大范围的决策和成长经验，领导者最重要的一大工具是重新审视边界、评估风险。有时当领导者收到反馈要“增加授权”，就会矫枉过正，放手不管。随便放松控制，可能会不慎让一些人陷入自己尚无力应对或风险过高的局面。你的目标是在保证安全的前提下拓宽边界，在新的限度内赋权和提供自主性。
With our teens, resetting boundaries allows us to more safely offer rope while still providing clarity on curfews, home chores, and family values. Consider activities where you can allow your teen to take more initiative, such as searching for summer internships or engaging in trial and error (even if you don’t like the new haircut that results). The key is to allow more room for your teen to discover their own authentic way of getting something done effectively.
与青少年交流时，重设边界可以更安全地给出自主权，同时依然明确最晚几点回家、家务分配和家庭价值观等等。想一想能让这个年纪的孩子去参加哪些活动，比如寻找暑期实习，或者积极试错（哪怕你不喜欢他们搞出的新发型）。关键在于给孩子更多空间，让他们去探索自己的处事方式。
As you see your teen making more decisions for themselves, ask open-ended questions to better understand what is on their mind, uncover their assumptions, and learn how your kid reasons through things. Help your teen discover some of their own answers by asking great questions and engaging their own developing reflective capacity and introspection. By really understanding and hearing where they are, you can help them to brainstorm ideas and solutions or offer additional perspectives on their thinking.
让孩子为自己做更多的决定，问他们一些开放性的问题，更好地了解他们在想什么，找出他们的预设，了解他们如何推理归因。用问题调动孩子正在发展的思考和内省能力，帮助他们自行寻找答案。真正了解和倾听他们，就能帮助他们集思广益，考虑各种想法和解决方案，为他们的思考增加新的视角。
When Todd’s son received his learner’s permit to drive, Todd noticed his own desire to micromanage what roads they took to get to a certain destination. He paused and remembered to serve as a guide and coach, and instead asked his son how he was deciding what route to take. This led to a great discussion. Todd’s son shared that he was a really visual person, so he used Google Maps in advance of a practice run to see what route he wanted to try. Todd shared that he considered factors like weather, time of day, and areas prone to traffic jams or visibility challenges when he set out somewhere. While Todd upheld all the rules and standards that the learning permit period required, he was mindful to give his son space to try out different routes and practice different forms of car maintenance, such as filling up the gas tank and checking the air pressure in the tires.
托德的儿子拿到学习驾驶许可证后，托德发现自己对路线选择有微观管理的倾向。他停下来，谨记自己应当发挥指导作用，不能越俎代庖，问儿子想选哪条路。于是两人讨论得很和谐。托德的儿子说自己是视觉型学习者，会提前用谷歌地图看看想尝试哪条路。托德则说会考虑天气、时间段、容易堵车的路段和能见度等要素。托德赞同学习驾驶许可证的所有规定和限制，但他很注意给儿子留出空间，尝试不同的路线、练习各种维护汽车的方式，比如加油和检查轮胎。
Todd started to see that his role as a leader at work and a father at home meant being clear about responsibilities, desired outcomes, and accountabilities; it was not about enforcing others to puppet him and do things in his exact own way.
托德渐渐明白，工作上的领导者和家中的父亲，都意味着要明确责任、预期成果和义务，并不是强迫别人执行自己的指示、完全按照自己规定的方法做事。
Observe, listen, and seek to understand
观察、倾听、寻求理解
As Todd began using more of a coaching style with his teen and focused on becoming a more active listener, he slowed down to observe his son’s day, listen, and ask more questions. In doing so, he came to appreciate more fully the daily challenges and stresses of being a teen. Todd could better see just how much his son was juggling — from being in class with a mask on all day to participating in various activities and sports (which consumed much of his time after school) to then having to complete hours of homework after dinner.
托德以指导的态度与孩子沟通，努力成为积极的聆听者，慢下来观察儿子的日常生活，倾听并提问。如此一来，他得以更加全面地了解了青少年日常的挑战和压力。托德看到儿子同时承担着许多任务——戴着口罩上课，参加各种体育运动（占去了他放学后的大部分时间），晚饭后还要做几小时的家庭作业。
By acknowledging and sharing what he observed, Todd’s son increasingly felt more seen and understood by his dad. It helped them to see why sometimes they both ended up with short fuses during late-evening conversations. Rather than fixing or solving, Todd realized that sometimes, his son just needed to vent about his stressful day and wanted an empathetic ear.
托德跟儿子分享了自己的观察，儿子越来越感到能被父亲看见和了解。这帮助他们明白了有时深夜交流不欢而散的原因。托德明白，有时儿子需要的只是宣泄白天的压力，需要倾听和共情，而非纠正或解决问题。
We can proactively demonstrate curiosity in everyday life to better understand what excites or motivates our teens. Even small things such as asking them to cue up their latest playlist in the car to hear what music moves them or to ask more about why history is currently their favorite class can provide a window into their world.
我们可以在日常生活中主动表示好奇，更好地了解能让孩子激动和受鼓舞的是什么。在车里播放他们最近听的音乐、了解怎样的音乐能打动他们，或者多问几句他们现在最喜欢的科目为什么是历史课，这种小事都能够打开通往孩子世界的一扇窗。
Schedule time versus “swooping in” on your teen
是预约时间还是“突袭”？
As Todd listened more actively and showed more empathy and openness, his son was able to more courageously share with Todd that the thing that caused him the most frustration was when he felt Todd “swooped in.” Every time they were finally together, Todd would think of something he wanted to check in on — “What’s going on with college and SAT preparation?,” “Have you turned in that check the sports team needs?” and so on. Each time, his son felt “invaded,” which led to frustrating interactions.
托德更加积极倾听、表现出更为同情和开放的态度之后，儿子有了勇气，告诉托德，最让他泄气的是感觉托德常常“突袭”。每次父子二人好不容易见面，托德总会想起几件要确认的事——“升学考试准备得怎么样？”“运动队要做的检查做了吗？”之类的。儿子每次都有被侵犯感，最终交流令两人都沮丧。
Like leaders who “swoop in” on their teams and create disarray and fire drills, Todd was doing the same at home. Todd and his son agreed to grab some scheduled quality one-on-one time together each week so that they could consolidate the many questions or thoughts on important topics like summer internships, college preparation, and family logistics. They even created a shared Google doc where either could log a question or thought to avoid interrupting homework flow or precious downtime when his son was finally catching a break from the stress of the day.
“突袭”团队的领导者会造成混乱，让团队成员进入防火演习状态。托德在家里的情况也是一样。托德和儿子达成协议，每周一起预先安排高质量的一对一交流时间，综合讨论各种问题，一起考虑夏季实习、大学预科课程和家务等重要事项。他们还建立了一个共用的谷歌文档，记录问题或想法，免得打扰儿子写作业或疲惫一天后来之不易的休息。
Never would Todd have imagined at the start of our coaching work together that expanding his leader of leaders toolkit and building new coaching muscles would allow him to derive benefits well beyond work. He started to look for learnings from one part of his life to actively apply in another. For a busy working parent, that kind of reciprocal benefit brings increases in energy and momentum and creates a virtuous cycle in a holistic life. Todd’s program also sharpened his own sense of purpose as a leader and father — investing in the success of others’ growth, helping people gain skills and judgment they can carry with them, and feeling more assured that they’ll be able to move forward with confidence when it’s time for them to leave the nest.
我们的辅导课程开始时，托德从未想过这些领导技能可以应用到其他领域，还能运用新的能力在工作以外获益。他开始主动寻找还有没有哪个领域的经验能用在其他地方。对于忙碌的上班族家长，这样的互利可以增加精力和动力，在生活中建立良性循环。托德的项目还增强了他作为领导者和父亲的使命感——投入资源协助他人成长、帮助人们获得可傍身的技能和判断力，确定将来他们离巢时可以充满信心地前进。
关键词：领导力
埃米·耶恩·苏（Amy Jen Su）|文
埃米·耶恩·苏是高管培训及领导力发展公司Paravis Partners联合创始人兼管理合伙人。过去二十年里，她为企业CEO、高管和明星员工提供指导，著有《理想领导者：每天拿出最佳状态的五项基本原则》（The Leader You Want to Be: Five Essential Principles for Bringing Out Your Best Self—Every Day，哈佛商业评论出版社出版）。
朔间|译 周强|编校
