自译 The Exact Science of Matrimony 奉金成婚

The Exact Science of Matrimony 奉金成婚

'AS I HAVE TOLD YOU BEFORE,' said Jeff Peters, 'I never had much confidence in the perfidiousness of woman. As partners or coeducators in the most innocent line of graft they are not trustworthy.'

“女人哪，变脸比翻书还快，”熊济富感慨道，“信谁也别信她们。再好的女人也别指望能把工作放心交给她。”

'They deserve the compliment,' said I. 'I think they are entitled to be called the honest sex.'

“这话对。”我接道，“不都说女人善变嘛。”

'Why shouldn't they be?' said Jeff. 'They've got the other sex either grafting or working overtime for 'em. They're all right in business until they get their emotions or their hair touched up too much. Then you want to have a flat-footed, heavy-breathing man with sandy whiskers, five kids and a building and loan mortgage ready as an understudy to take her desk. Now there was that widow lady that me and Andy Tucker engaged to help us in a little matrimonial agency scheme we floated out in Cairo.

“那可不！”老熊回道，“跟女的干活永远是男的出力气。她们非得赶着心情美了，头发倒腾够了才好干活。等熬到那时候，我宁可从大街上抓个男要饭的也不用她了。我跟胡守实有次开婚介所敛财，现找了个寡妇搭伙，这事我可得跟你说说。”

'When you've got enough advertising capital - say a roll as big as the little end of a wagon tongue - there's money in matrimonial agencies. We had about $6,000 and we expected to double it in two months, which is about as long as a scheme like ours can be carried on without taking out a New Jersey charter.

你手头要有宣传的钱——少了不行，得多预备点——趁早开个婚介所捞捞油水。我俩当时有个六千来块，打算用两个月把它翻一番，那套熊人的把戏也就能玩这么长时间，再长就等着进局子吧。

'We fixed up an advertisement that read about like this:

我俩写了篇广告：

'Charming widow, beautiful, home loving, 32 years, possessing $3,000 cash and owning valuable country property, would remarry. Would prefer a poor man with affectionate disposition to one with means, as she realizes that the solid virtues are oftenest to be found in the humble walks of life. No objection to elderly man or one of homely appearance if faithful and true and competent to manage property and invest money with judgment. Address, with particulars, 

LONELY, 

Care of Peters & Tucker, agents, Cairo, Ill.

现有寡妇一名，三十二岁，顾家貌美，持有三千块现款及乡下房产，愿求配偶一人，不限年龄，不论相貌，要求男方处境穷苦，只要忠实、会管钱、疼人护人既可。

好寂寞。

详情请联系牵缘婚介所，某街某号。

' "So far, so pernicious," says I, when we had finished the literary concoction. "And now," says I, "where is the lady?"

“行，套子下好了。”写完我说道，“咱上哪儿找寡妇去？”

'Andy gives me one of his looks of calm irritation.

守实脸上挂了三分怒。

' "Jeff," says he, "I thought you had lost them ideas of realism in your art. Why should there be a lady? When they sell a lot of watered stock on Wall Street would you expect to find a mermaid in it? What has a matrimonial ad got to do with a lady?"

“我说济富啊，”他说道，“你能不能转转脑子。要什么寡妇？老婆饼里有老婆吗？一个征婚广告，找寡妇有什么用？”

' "Now listen," says I. "You know my rule, Andy, that in all my illegitimate inroads against the legal letter of the law the article sold must be existent, visible, producible. In that way and by a careful study of city ordinances and train schedules I have kept out of all trouble with the police that a five-dollar bill and a cigar could not square. Now, to work this scheme we've got to be able to produce bodily a charming widow or its equivalent with or without the beauty, hereditaments and appurtenances set forth in the catalogue and writ of errors, or hereafter be held by a justice of the peace."

“你等等吧，守实。”我说道，“我做了那么些违法生意，哪次不是找个实实在在、看得见摸得着的东西糊弄人。要不是靠着这招，再加上把列车表背得滚瓜烂熟，跟警察打交道就不是几根烟的事了。咱要是打算玩这个把戏，那必须得找个真寡妇，漂亮不漂亮、有没有钱倒无所谓，不然就等着进去喝茶吧。”

' "Well," says Andy, reconstructing his mind, "maybe it would be safer in case the post office or the peace commission should try to investigate our agency. But where," he says, "could you hope to find a widow who would waste time on a matrimonial scheme that had no matrimony in it?"

“有道理，”守实重新想了想说道，“这样保险点，省得邮局跟警局派人来查。可咱们本来就是假征婚，哪儿有寡妇肯跟咱们搭伙？”

'I told Andy that I thought I knew of the exact party. An old friend of mine, Zeke Trotter, who used to draw soda-water and teeth in a tent show, had made his wife a widow a year before by drinking some dyspepsia cure of the old doctor's instead of the liniment that he always got boozed up on. I used to stop at their house often, and I thought we could get her to work with us.

我告诉守实还真有个人。我有个铁哥们叫老蒋，一年前喝酒喝死了，留下他媳妇一人守寡。我以前常去他家，没准他媳妇能跟我们干。

' 'Twas only sixty miles to the little town where she lived, so I jumped out on the I. C. and finds her in the same cottage with the same sunflowers and roosters standing on the wash-tub. Mrs. Trotter fitted our ad first-rate except, maybe, for beauty and age and property valuation. But she looked feasible and praiseworthy to the eye, and it was a kindness to Zeke's memory to give her the Job.

蒋太太离我们不过六十里地，我开车去了她家，瞧见她还住着那栋房、还浇着一样的向日葵，家养的公鸡也还站在洗衣盆上。蒋太太是我们最理想的人选，不论长相、年龄还是财产都没得挑。她看着还挺靠谱，我也是念在跟老蒋的交情才给她这个活的。

' "Is this an honest deal you are putting on, Mr. Peters?" she asks me when I tell her what we want.

“你们干的是正经生意吗，熊先生？”听罢我的请求她问道。

' "Mrs. Trotter," says I, "Andy Tucker and me have computed the calculation that 3,000 men in this broad and unfair country will endeavour to secure your fair hand and ostensible money and property through our advertisement. Out of that number something like thirty hundred will expect to give you in exchange, if they should win you, the carcass of a lazy and mercenary loafer, a failure in life, a swindler and contemptible fortune-seeker.

“蒋太太，”我说道，“我和胡守实算过，一见着我俩的广告，全国上下起码得有三千个男的想把你连人带钱娶回家。这三千个里头，有一个算一个，不是二流子就是吃白食的，一点力不肯出，光想着天上掉馅饼。”

' "Me and Andy," says I, "propose to teach these preyers upon society a lesson. It was with difficulty," says I, "that me and Andy could refrain from forming a corporation under the title of the Great Moral and Millennial Malevolent Matrimonial Agency. Does that satisfy you?"

“我和守实呢，也没别的意思，”我继续道，“就是想教训教训这帮人。我俩差点没把婚介所开成改造所呢。这下您放心了吗？”

' "It does, Mr. Peters," says she. "I might have known you wouldn't have gone into anything that wasn't opprobrious. But what will my duties be? Do I have to reject personally these 3,000 ramscallions you speak of, or can I throw them out in bunches?"

“我放心，熊先生。”她说道，“我知道您最喜欢教训人。那我都干点什么？是挨个推掉这帮家伙，还是一批一批地打发？”

' "Your job, Mrs. Trotter," says I, "will be practically a cynosure. You will live at a quiet hotel and will have no work to do. Andy and I will attend to all the correspondence and business end of it.

“蒋太太，”我说道，“您安安稳稳待着就行了。我们到时给您安排家清静旅馆，您好好住着就得，啥也不用管。别的全交给我跟守实。”

' "Of course," says I, "some of the more ardent and impetuous suitors who can raise the railroad fare may come to Cairo to personally press their suit or whatever fraction of a suit they may be wearing. In that case you will be probably put to the inconvenience of kicking them out face to face. We will pay you $25 per week and hotel expenses."

“当然了，”我接道，“难免有性急的人走远路过来找您，充其量就算是求婚吧。要是碰上这种情况，就得麻烦您亲自把他们轰走了。每礼拜给您二十五块，房钱我们出。”

' "Give me five minutes," says Mrs. Trotter, "to get my powder rag and leave the front-door key with a neighbour and you can let my salary begin."

“那行，”蒋太太回道，“等我把粉饼拿上，再把前门钥匙托付个邻居就开工。”

'So I conveys Mrs. Trotter to Cairo and establishes her in a family hotel far enough away from mine and Andy's quarters to be unsuspicious and available, and I tell Andy.

就这样，我把蒋太太接了过来，给她安排了一家旅馆住下，她那儿离我和守实不远不近，既不会让人起疑，又方便来往，办妥后我告诉了守实。

' "Great," says Andy. "And now that your conscience is appeased as to the tangibility and proximity of the bait, and leaving mutton aside, suppose we revenoo a noo fish."

“漂亮。”守实说道，“真寡妇找着了，这下你安心了吧。咱们马上要钓大鱼喽。”

'So, we began to insert our advertisement in newspapers covering the country far and wide. One ad was all we used. We couldn't have used more without hiring so many clerks and marcelled paraphernalia that the sound of the gum-chewing would have disturbed the Postmaster-General.

我们往大大小小的报纸上登了广告，不过只用了那一篇，因为没有招工的闲钱。

'We placed $2,000 in a bank to Mrs. Trotter's credit and gave her the book to show in case anybody might question the honesty and good faith of the agency. I knew Mrs. Trotter was square and reliable and it was safe to leave it in her name.

我们往蒋太太户头上打了两千块，还给了她存折，以免有人查问。蒋太太是个老实人，把钱存她那儿不会有事的。

'With that one ad Andy and me put in twelve hours a day answering letters.

广告发出去后，我和守实一天有十二个钟头花在回信上。

'About one hundred a day was what came in. I never knew there was so many large-hearted but indigent men in the country who were willing to acquire a charming widow and assume the burden of investing her money.

我们每天能收到一百封信。真新鲜，天下竟然有这么多想娶个漂亮寡妇，再帮她管管钱的好心人。

'Most of them admitted that they ran principally to whiskers and lost jobs and were misunderstood by the world, but all of 'em were sure that they were so chock-full of affection and manly qualities that the widow would be making the bargain of her life to get em.

他们中的大多数都说自己虽然胡子拉碴的、又没工作、又没人缘，但其实人特别好，特体贴，特爷们儿，寡妇嫁给他准没错的。

'Every applicant got a reply from Peters & Tucker informing them that the widow had been deeply impressed by his straightforward and interesting letter and requesting them to write again; stating more particulars; and enclosing photograph if convenient. Peters & Tucker also informed the applicant that their fee for handing over the second letter to their fair client would be $2, enclosed therewith.

他们每位都收到了牵缘婚介所的答复，说寡妇被他的直率和魅力打动了，请他再写一封信，详细地谈一谈自己，最好附上张照片。另外，婚介所下次送信要收两块钱，请把钱随信寄过来。

'There you see the simple beauty of the scheme. About 90 per cent, of them domestic foreign noblemen raised the price somehow and sent it in. That was all there was to it. Except that me and Andy complained an amount about being put to the trouble of slicing open them envelopes, and taking the money out.

钱来的就是这么容易。九成人凑够款子送给了我们。就这么简单。美中不足的是我和守实得拆信封拿钱，这活可真够麻烦的。

'Some few clients called in person. We sent 'em to Mrs. Trotter and she did the rest; except for three or four who came back to strike us for car-fare. After the letters began to get in from the r.f.d. districts Andy and me were taking in about $200 a day.

有几个人亲自找了过来。我俩把他们送到蒋太太那儿，剩下的全交给她。除了三四个又回来找我们报车钱的，别的都顺风顺水。后来连乡下都有来信的了，我跟守实一天能赚两百块。

'One afternoon when we were busiest and I was stuffing the two and ones into cigar boxes and Andy was whistling "No Wedding Bells for Her," a small, slick man drops in and runs his eye over the walls like he was on the trail of a lost Gainsborough painting or two. As soon as I saw him I felt a glow of pride, because we were running our business on the level.

一天下午，正是最忙的时候，我正往铁皮盒里塞零钱，守实在那儿哼歌，就在这时，一个人模狗样的小矮个闯了进来，朝墙上瞅来瞅去，好像我们这儿藏了什么名画似的。一瞧见他我可乐坏了，看来我们干出大名堂了。

' "I see you have quite a large mail to-day," says the man.

“今儿的信不少啊。”男人说道。

'I reached and got my hat.

我取来了帽子。

' "Come on," says I. "We've been expecting you. I'll show you the goods. How was Teddy when you left Washington?"

“请吧。”我说道，“早等着您呢。我领您去看看征婚人。您那儿都好吧？”

'I took him down to the Riverview Hotel and had him shake hands with Mrs. Trotter. Then I showed him her bank book with the $2,000 to her credit.

我把他带去旅馆，让他和蒋太太握了手，又把两千块的银行存折拿给他看。

' "It seems to be all right," says the Secret Service.

“像是真的。”探子说道。

' "It is," says I. "And if you're not a married man I'll leave you to talk a while with the lady. We won't mention the two dollars."

“就是真的。”我说道，“您要是还单着的话，不如和蒋太太聊一会儿吧。我就不收那两块钱了。”

' "Thanks," says he. "If I wasn't, I might. Good day, Mr. Peters."

“不了，”他说道，“我成家了。再见，熊先生。”

'Toward the end of three months we had taken in something over $5,000, and we saw it was time to quit. We had a good many complaints made to us; and Mrs. Trotter seemed to be tired of the job. A good many suitors had been calling to see her, and she didn't seem to like that.

三个月过去，我们赚了五千块，是时候收手了。我们已经接到了不少投诉，蒋太太好像也不大想干了。有一大堆光棍来找过她，她都烦了。

'So we decides to pull out, and I goes down to Mrs. Trotter's hotel to pay her last week's salary and say farewell and get her cheque for the $2,000.

我们决定见好就收，我去了旅馆，准备把蒋太太最后一礼拜的工钱结了，顺便再道个别，把给她的两千块钱收回来。

'When I got there I found her crying like a kid that don't want to go to school.

一到旅馆，她哭得正凶，哭得像个不想上学的小孩。

' "Now, now," says I, "what's it all about? Somebody sassed you or you getting home-sick?"

“别哭，别哭，”我说道，“怎么了？是谁和您吵架了还是您想家了？”

' "No, Mr. Peters," says she. "I'll tell you. You was always a friend of Zeke's, and I don't mind. Mr. Peters, I'm in love. I just love a man so hard I can't bear not to get him. He's just the ideal I've always had in mind."

“都不是。”她说道，“熊先生，我恋爱了，我看上了一位先生，他就是我梦寐以求的那个人，我一定要嫁给他。”

"Then take him," says I. "That is, if it's a mutual case. Does he return the sentiment according to the specifications and painfulness you have described?

“那好啊。”我说道，“只要你俩都有意思就行。他对你也爱的这么深吗？”

' "He does," says she. "But he's one of the gentlemen that's been coming to see me about the advertisement and he won't marry me unless I give him the $2,000. His name is William Wilkinson." And then she goes off again in the agitations and hysterics of romance.

“是的。”她回道，“他叫吴铭誓，也是看见广告来找我的，可他说除非我把两千块交给他才娶我。”说罢她又是一阵椎心泣血、梨花带雨。

"Mrs. Trotter," says I, "there's no man more sympathizing with a woman's affections than I am. Besides, you was once the life partner of one of my best friends. If it was left to me I'd say take this $2,000 and the man of your choice and be happy.

' "We could afford to do that, because we have cleaned up over $5,000 from these suckers that wanted to marry you. But," says I, "Andy Tucker is to be consulted.

' "He is a good man, but keen in business. He is my equal partner financially. I will talk to Andy," says I, "and see what can be done."

“蒋太太，”我说道，“我太明白您的心思了。您可是我铁哥们的媳妇，要是我一个人做得了主，这两千块我一定给您，让您快快乐乐地过日子。我们从那帮吃软饭的身上捞了五千多块，为您花两千也不算什么。只是，我得和胡守实商量商量。他人是好人，就是太爱财。我俩合伙也是他管账的。我回去跟他聊聊，看能不能说动他。”

'I goes back to our hotel and lays the case before Andy.

我回到住处，把事情告诉了守实。

' "I was expecting something like this all the time," says Andy. "You can't trust a woman to stick by you in any scheme that involves her emotions and preferences."

“我就知道早晚有这么档子事。”守实说道，“女人这心里边除了爱啊情啊就没别的了，哪有个靠得住的时候。”

' "It's a sad thing, Andy," says I, "to think that we've been the cause of the breaking of a woman's heart."

“不能那么说，守实，是咱们不好，”我说道，“是咱们害人家这么难过的。”

' "It is," says Andy, "and I tell you what I'm willing to do, Jeff. You've always been a man of a soft and generous heart and disposition. Perhaps I've been too hard and worldly and suspicious, for once I'll meet you half-way. Go to Mrs. Trotter and tell her to draw the $2,000 from the bank and give it to this man she's infatuated with and be happy."

“也是。”守实说道，“我看这样吧，济富，你是个好心人，跟你一比，我可能是有点斤斤计较了。这次我听你的，去告诉蒋太太，叫她把两千块取出来给那个男的吧，祝她幸福美满。”

'I jumps up and shakes Andy's hand for five minutes, and then I goes back to Mrs. Trotter and tells her, and she cries as hard for joy as she did for sorrow.

我一跃而起，疯了似的跟守实握手，随后我回到蒋太太那儿，把好消息告诉了她，她转悲为喜，激动得尖叫起来。

'Two days afterward me and Andy packed up to go.

两天后，我和守实准备跑路了。

' "Wouldn't you like to go down and meet Mrs. Trotter once before we leave?" I asks him. "She'd like mightily to know you and express her encomiums and gratitude."

“你不去见见蒋太太吗？”我问他，“她一直想见见你，好和你道个谢呢。”

' "Why, I guess not," says Andy. "I guess we'd better hurry and catch that train."

“见什么见，”守实说道，“咱还是抓紧赶火车吧。”

'I was strapping our capital around me in a memory belt like we always carried it, when Andy pulls a roll of large bills out of his pocket and asks me to put 'em with the rest.

我一如既往地把钱用带子捆在身上，只见守实忽然从兜里掏出来一卷大票，叫我跟剩下的钱放在一块。

' "What's this?" says I.

“这什么？”我说道。

' "It's Mrs. Trotter's two thousand," says Andy. '

“蒋太太那两千块钱。”守实答道。

"How do you come to have it?" I asks.

“怎么在你这儿？”我问他。

' "She gave it to me," says Andy. "I've been calling on her three evenings a week for more than a month."

“她给我的。”守实答道，“我这一个多月每礼拜去看她三回。”

' "Then are you William Wilkinson?" says I.

“啊？你就是吴铭誓？”我诧异道。

' "I was," says Andy.

“以前是。”守实答道。