为什么我们总是感到难过和内疚？

为什么我们总是感到难过和内疚？

心理学中有条定律颇为反常：被父母苛待的孩子往往会把受到的伤害归咎于自己，而非父母。这很奇怪，他们厌憎自己更胜于虐待他们的父母。孩子们应该拥有、也需要拥有父母足够的爱，一旦没有，他们立刻就能察觉。他们不懂父母为何冷淡如斯，但他们会因此感到难过。即便如此，孩子们还需要找到某种解释。于是他们很快凭直觉确定了一条对他们而言总是令人信服的理由：他们做错了。妈妈为什么那么焦躁？因为他们做错了。爸爸为什么那么冷漠？因为他们做错了。为什么他们没有被善待？因为他们做错了。为什么妹妹比自己更受宠爱？因为他们做错了。

如此持续一段时间后，这些孩子整个的性格都会倾向于自责：自己就是天生“差劲”，各种层面上都是。长大成人后，他们很容易在某些时刻再次感到自己说错了话、做错了事。至于他们认为自己具体犯了什么错，会根据生活中的事件和主流公众情绪而变化：在宗教时代，他们会觉得自己在上帝眼里做错了事。在恋童癖盛行时期，他们会恐惧自己伤害了孩童。在种族主义被视为一种首要公罪时，他们会因为自己怀有种族主义情绪而备受折磨。在家庭层面，他们会担心自己惹恼伴侣、伤害朋友或者冒犯员工。每当交到新朋友，他们知道，朋友很快就会意识到到他们有多“差劲”并离开他们。这种负罪感之所以难以动摇，是因为他们不能精确定位其源头。一种弥漫的情绪笼罩着他们。名为：“我做错了。”这种情绪，总在他们孤单时来袭。孤独是负罪感肆意生长。（正如爱能将其驱散。）当这一情绪达到某种程度，受折磨的人可能会幻想去警察局自首。终于，可以向警察吐露：我很累，我有罪……由此感到莫大的宽慰。一个人情愿带上手铐、走进囚室，在此处，终于能远离重重压力，得到片刻喘息。不必说，现实中自然没有这样的便利。

治愈这种负罪感的唯一良方，就是拔除其源头。亦即，认识到我们当然一点儿也不差劲，而是我们曾受到不公的欺侮，所以被迫认为自己很糟糕。至少，我们应当少些自我鞭挞，多些对施虐者理应燃起的怒火。

There's a strange law of psychology that reveals that small children who are treated badly by their parents will always rather strangely blame themselves and not their parents, for their injuries.They hate who they are rather than hating those who have done them wrong.Small children immediately notice when they are not loved as much as they might and need to be.They understand nothing of the reasons for the hard-heartedless but feel all of the pain.And yet they need to locate some form of explanation nevertheless and quickly and intuitively settle on the one that always feels most compelling to them:that they have done something wrong.Why is mommy so agitated?Because they have done something wrong.Why is daddy so cold?Because they have done something wrong.Why aren't they being treated kindly?Because they have done something wrong.Why is their little sister being preferred to them?Because they have done something wrong.

After a little while of this,their whole character becomes oriented towards guilt:they are-in numberless ways simply and primordially ‘bad’.In adult life, it then takes very little to reignite feeling that somewhere along the line,they have said and done something awful.What precise offence they believe themselves to have committed shifts according to events in their lives and the prevailing public mood: in a religious age,they may feel they have done something wrong in the eyes of god.In an age obsessed with paedophilia,they will feel they have done harm to a child.When racism is being highlighted as a leading public sin,they will be tortured that they harbor racist feelings.Closer to home,they will feel that they have upset their partner,hurt their friends or offended an employee.Whenever they make a new friend,they know that soon enough,the friend will realize the are ‘bad ’and let them go.What makes the guilt so hard to shake off is that they cannot exactly pinpoint its origin.A diffuse mood hangs over them whose title is simply:‘I have done something wrong……'The mood is particularly prone to descend when they are lonely;Guilt thrives on isolation.(Just as it is love that may disperse it.)When the mood reaches a pitch,the sufferer may fantasise about going to a police station and handing themselves in.There could be such relief in finally being able to tell the officials:I am awful, I am guilty.One could be put into handcuffs and led to the cells and there,finally,gain some relief from the awful tension.Needless to say, there will be no such benefit in reality;

The only way to cure the guilt is to unpick its origins,that is,to realize that we are not bad at all,rather that we have been bullied.Without justice into thinking we might be so.We need at last to exchange their self-flagellation for a little bit of righteous anger against those who have done us wrong.