《Call me by your me》大结局（《Find Me》 第四篇章-DA CAPO 从头而奏 ）

“Why Alexandria?” Oliver asked as we stopped along the esplanade, watching the sun set beyond the breakwater on our first evening there. 

“为什么是亚历山大港？”我们在这的第一晚，当我们在路边停下观赏太阳从防波堤上落下时奥利弗问道。

The smell of fish, salt, and bracken-still water along the shoreline was overpowering, yet we continued to stand on that stretch of the walkway across from the home of our Alexandrian Greek hosts, staring at the spot where everyone said the old lighthouse once stood.

鱼、盐、蕨类植物的味道     海岸边平静的水被淹没    然而我们继续站在这段我们亚历山大希腊房东房子对面的散步小路，望着公认的老灯塔曾矗立的地方。

Our hosts' family had lived here for eight generations—the lighthouse, they insisted, couldn't have been located anywhere else but on the spot where the fortress of Qaitbey stands. But no one knew for sure. Meanwhile, the fading sun was in our eyes, and its color stained the distance with large brushstrokes that were not pink or subdued orange but bright, loud tangerine. Neither of us had seen that color in the sky before.

我们房东的家族已经在这里生活八代了，对于灯塔他们坚持，除了凯特贝城堡所处的位置，灯塔不可能在其它地方，但没人可以确定。同时，太阳我们的视野里逐渐淡出，它的颜色用大笔刷将远方都晕染，不是粉色或者暗沉的橙色，而是明亮的，张扬的橘色。我们之前都从未在天空中见过这种颜色。

Why Alexandria? could have meant so many things: from Why is this place as it stands now so central to the history of the West? down to something as whimsical as Why did we choose to come here? I'd wanted to reply, Because everything that's meant anything to either of us—Ephesus, Athens, Syracuse—probably ended here. I was thinking of the Greeks, of Alexander and his lover Hephaestion, of the Library, and Hypatia, and ultimately of the modern Greek poet Cavafy. But I also knew why he was asking.

为什么是亚历山大？"可以有很多意思：从为什么这个地方现在对西方的历史如此重要？到我们为什么选择来这里这样异想天开的问题？我想回答说，因为所有对我们来说有意义的东西------以弗所、雅典、叙拉古，可能都在这里灭亡。我想到了希腊人，想到了亚历山大和他的情人赫费斯提翁，想到了图书馆和希帕蒂亚，最终想到了现代希腊诗人卡瓦菲。但我也知道他为什么要问。

We'd left the house in Italy for a three-week tour of the Mediterranean. Our ship stopped in Alexandria for two nights and we were enjoying our last few days before sailing back home. We had wanted to be alone together. Too many people in the house. My mother, who had come to live with us and couldn't use the stairs any longer, now lived in a room on the ground floor not far enough from ours. Then there was her caregiver. Then Miranda, who stayed in my old bedroom when she wasn't traveling. And finally Little Ollie, whose room, next to hers, had once belonged to my grandfather. We shared my parents' old bedroom. I'm sure everyone could hear if you so much as coughed at night.

我们已经离开了意大利的家，前往地中海进行为期三周的旅游。我们的船在亚历山大港停了两个晚上，我们正在享受航行回国前的最后几天。我们曾想单独在一起。房子里有太多的人。我母亲来和我们一起住，她不能再走楼梯了，现在住在一楼的一个房间里，离我们的房间不远。然后是她的护理员。然后是米兰达(Eilo父亲的情人，与Eilo年纪相仿。)，她不出差时就住在我以前的卧室。最后是小奥利（应该是米兰达跟Eilo父亲的孩子，Eilo同父异母的弟弟。），他的房间就在她旁边，曾经属于我的祖父。我们共享我父母的旧卧室。我相信，如果你在晚上咳嗽，每个人都能听到。

Nor had it been as easy in Italy as we'd expected at first. We knew things were going to be different but we couldn't quite grasp how the wish to rush headlong into what we'd once had years before could stir our reluctance to be in bed together. 

在意大利也没有像我们一开始预期的那样容易。我们知道事情会有所不同，但我们不能完全理解，多年来的愿望突然实现如何会使我们对同床共枕变得别扭。

We were in the same house where it had all started—but were we the same? He tried blaming jet lag, and I let him, while he turned his back as I turned off the light before removing my clothes. I mistook the fear of being disappointed for the far more troubling fear of disappointing him. I knew he was thinking along the same lines when he finally turned around and said, “Elio, I haven't made love to a man in so many years,” adding, as he laughed, “I may have forgotten how.” 

我们在同一所房子里，一切都是从这开始的，但我们还是一样的吗？他试图指责时差，我让他遭受的 ，而当我在脱掉衣服前关上灯时，他却背对着我。我误以为是害怕失望的存在，其实更多的是害怕他失望的不安。我知道他也是这样想的，当他最后转过身来，说："埃利奥，我已经这么多年没有和男人做i了。"他笑着补充说："我可能已经忘记怎么做了。" 

We'd hoped desire might foil our diffidence, but the sense of awkwardness wasn't going away. At some point in the dark, feeling the strain between us, I even suggested that perhaps talking might dispel what was holding us back. Was I being unwittingly distant, I asked. No, not distant at all. Was I being difficult? Difficult? No. Then what was it?

我们希望欲望能消除我们的隔阂，但尴尬的感觉并没有消失。在黑暗中的某个时刻，感觉到我们之间的拘谨，我甚至建议，也许谈话可以消除阻碍我们的东西。我问道，我是不是不知不觉地疏远了。不，一点都不疏远。我是不是很难相处？难相处？不是，那是什么？

“Time,” he replied. As always, this was all he said. Did he need time, I asked, almost ready to move far away from him on our bed. No, he replied.

"时间，"他回答。像往常一样，他只说了这句话。他需要时间吗，我问道，几乎准备在我们的床上离他远一点。不，他回答说。

It took me a while to understand that what he'd meant was that too much time had gone by.

我花了点时间才明白，他的意思是，时间已经错过太多了。

“Just hug me,” I finally said.

"抱抱我吧，"我最后说。

“And see where that goes?” he immediately quipped, inflecting each word with irony. I could tell he was nervous.

"看看会怎样？"他立即打趣道，转而每个词蕴含讽刺。我可以看出他很紧张。

“Yes, and see where that goes,” I echoed. I remembered the afternoon when I'd visited him in his class five years earlier and he'd touched my cheek with his palm. I would have slept with him in no time if he'd asked. So why hadn't he? “Because you would have laughed at me. Because you might have said no. Because I wasn't sure you'd forgiven me.”

"是的，看看会怎样。"我附和道。我想起了五年前的那个下午，我去他的班级看望他，他用手掌抚摸我的脸颊。如果他要的话我马上就会和他上床。那么他为什么没有呢？"因为你会嘲笑我。因为你可能会说不。因为我不确定你是否会原谅我。"

We didn't make love that night, but falling asleep in his arms and hearing him breathe, and recognizing the scent of his breath after so many years and knowing that I was finally in bed with my Oliver without either of us moving away as we released our hold, was exactly what made me realize that despite two decades we were not a day older than the two young men we'd been so long ago under this same roof. In the morning he gave me a look. I didn't want silence to bridge the gap. I wanted him to speak. But he wasn't going to speak.

那晚我们没有做i，但听着他的呼吸声在他的怀里睡着了，在这么多年后认出他的气息，知道我终于和我的奥利弗躺在床上我们都不离开，当我们松开手的时候，这正是让我意识到，尽管有二十年的时间，我们比很久以前在这个同一屋檐下的两个年轻人没有老一天。早上，他看了我一眼。我不希望用沉默来消除隔阂。我想让他说话。但他并不打算说话。

“Is this morning … or is this for me?” I finally asked. “Because right now mine's real.”

"这是早上......这是我的？" 我终于问道。"因为现在我是真的。"

“Same here,” he said

"我也一样，"他说。

And it was I, not he, who remembered how he liked it started. “I've only done this with you,” he said, confirming what we both knew was happening between us. “But I'm still nervous,” he added.

而且是我，而不是他，他记得开始他就那么喜欢。"我只和你做过这个，"他说，证实了我们都知道的我们之间发生的事情。"但我还是很紧张，"他补充说。

“I've never known you to be.”

"我从来不知道你会这样。"

“I know.”

"我知道。"

“I must tell you something too—” I started because I wanted him to know.

"我也必须告诉你一些事情" 我开始了，因为我想让他知道。

“What?”

"什么？"

“I've saved all this for you.”

"我为你保存了这一切。"

“What if we were never to be together again?”

"如果我们再也不能在一起了呢？"

“That was never going to happen.” Then I couldn't help myself: “You know what I like.”

"那是永远不会发生的。" 然后我无法控制自己。"你知道我喜欢什么。"

“I know.”

"我知道。"

“So you didn't forget.”

"所以你没有忘记。"

He smiled. No, he hadn't.

他笑了。不，他没有。

At dawn, after sex, we went swimming as we'd done years earlier.

黎明时分，做了之后，我们像多年前一样去游泳。

When we returned the house was still sleeping.

当我们回来时，房子还在睡觉。

“I'll make coffee.”

"我去煮咖啡。"

“I would love coffee,” he said.

"我很想喝咖啡，"他说。

“Miranda likes it Neapolitan style. We've been brewing coffee that way for ages now.”

"米兰达喜欢那不勒斯式的。我们已经用这种方式冲泡咖啡很久了。"

“Fine” was his send-off as he headed to the shower. 

"好吧 "是他的送别语，他走向了淋浴间。

After filling the coffeepot I started boiling water for the eggs. I put down two place mats, one on the long side of the kitchen table, the other at the head. Then I put four slices of bread in the toaster but didn't start it. By the time he was back, I told him to watch for the coffee but not to turn over the pot once the coffee was ready. I loved his hair when it was combed but still wet. 

灌满咖啡壶后，我开始为鸡蛋煮水。我放了两个餐垫，一个放在厨房桌子的长边，另一个放在桌子头。然后我把四片面包放进烤面包机，但没有启动它。等他回来时，我告诉他要注意咖啡，但咖啡煮好后不要翻锅。我喜欢他的头发，当它还是湿的时候被梳理。

I'd forgotten that look in the morning. Not two hours earlier we weren't quite sure we'd ever make love again. I stopped fiddling with breakfast and looked at him. He knew what I was thinking and smiled. Yes, the unease that had scared us was behind us now, and as though to confirm this, before leaving the kitchen to take a shower, I placed a lingering kiss on his neck. “I haven't been kissed like that in so long,” he said. “Time,” I said, using his word to rib him.

我已经忘记了早上的那个样子。不到两小时前，我们还不太确定我们是否会再次做i。我停止摆弄早餐，看着他。他知道我在想什么，笑了笑。是的，曾经让我们害怕的不安现在已经过去了，似乎是为了证实这一点，在离开厨房去洗澡之前，我在他的脖子上放了一个缠绵的吻。"我已经很久没有被这样吻过了，"他说。"是时候了，"我说，用他的话来调侃他。

After I'd showered and was back in the kitchen, to my surprise I found Oliver and Oliver seated next to each other on the long side of the table. I dropped six eggs in the boiling water for the three of us. As they discussed a film we'd seen the night before on television, it was clear that Little Ollie had taken an instant liking to Oliver.

我洗完澡后回到厨房，令我惊讶的是，我发现奥利弗和奥利弗在桌子的长边上挨着坐着。我在沸水中为我们三个人丢了六个鸡蛋。当他们讨论我们前一天晚上在电视上看到的一部电影时，很明显，小奥利一下子就喜欢上了奥利弗。

I buttered the warm toast for everyone and watched Oliver cut off the top of the eggshell for Little Ollie and then his as well. “You know who taught me how to do this?” he asked.

我为每个人的吐司都涂了黄油，看着奥利弗为小奥利切下蛋壳的顶部，然后也切下他的。"你知道是谁教我怎么做的吗？"他问。

“Who?” asked the boy.

"谁？"男孩问。

“Your brother. Every morning he used to cut the egg for me. Because I didn't know how it was done. They don't teach you this in America. I've been cutting the eggs for my two sons as well.”

"你哥哥。每天早上他都会为我切蛋。因为我不知道它是怎么做的。在美国他们不教你这个。我也一直在为我的两个儿子切鸡蛋。"

“You have sons?”

"你有儿子？"

“Yes, I do.”

"是的，我有。"

“What are their names?”

"他们的名字是什么？"

He told him.

他告诉他。 

“And do you know whom you're named after?” Oliver finally asked.

"那你知道你是以谁的名字命名的吗？" 奥利弗最后问道。

“Yes.”

"是的。"

“Who?”

"谁？"

“You.”

"你。"

As soon as I heard these last few words, something tightened in my throat. This underscored so many things we hadn't said, or hadn't had time to say, or couldn't find the words to say, yet here it was, like a final chord resolving an unfinished melodic air. So much time had passed, so many years, and who knew how many of them might turn out to have been the wasted years that, unbeknownst to us, end up making us better people. 

当我听到这最后几个字时，我的喉咙有些发紧。这强调了许多我们没有说过的事情，或没有时间说，或找不到话说，但它就在这里，像一个最后的和弦解决了一个未完成的旋律。这么多时间过去了，这么多年，谁知道其中有多少年可能变成了浪费的岁月，而这些岁月在我们不知道的情况下，最终使我们成为更好的人。

No wonder I was moved. The child was like our child, and seemed so emphatically prophesied that everything suddenly became clear to me—because there was a reason for the boy's name, because Oliver had always been of my blood and had always lived in this house, been of this house and of our lives. 

难怪我被感动了。这个孩子就像我们的孩子，似乎是如此明显的预言，以至于我突然明白了一切--因为这个孩子的名字是有原因的，因为奥利弗一直是我的血脉，一直住在这个家里，是这个家和我们生活的一部分。

He was already here before coming to us, before my birth, before they set down the first stone generations ago, and our years in between then and now were but a hiccup in that long itinerary called time. So much time, so many years, and all the lives we'd touched and left behind, as though they could just as easily have never happened, though happen they did—time, as he'd said before we hugged and went to sleep so late that night, time is always the price we pay for the unlived life.

在来到我们身边之前他已经在这里了，在我出生之前，在几代人之前，在他们放下奠基第一块石头之前，而我们从那时到现在的这些年，不过是那段被称为时间的漫长行程中的一个小插曲。这么多的时间，这么多的岁月，以及我们所接触和离开的所有生命，仿佛它们可以轻而易举地从未发生过，尽管它们确实发生过-时间，正如那晚我们拥抱并入睡前他所说的那样，时间是我们为废弃生活所常常付出的代价。

And as I was pouring his coffee and hovering behind him it crossed my mind that I shouldn't have showered after this morning's lovemaking, that I wanted every trace of him still on me, because we hadn't even spoken about what we'd done at dawn yet and I wanted to hear him repeat what he'd said to me while we were making love. I wanted to tell him about our night, and how I was sure neither of us had slept as soundly as we'd claimed. 

当我为他倒咖啡并在他身后徘徊时，我想到我不应该在今天早上的做i之后洗澡，我希望他的每一个痕迹都还在我身上，因为我们甚至还没有谈到我们在黎明时分做的事情，我想听他重复我们做i时他对我说的话。我想告诉他我们的夜晚，以及我如何确信我们两个人都没有像我们所说的那样睡得很香。

Without speech, our night could so easily disappear, as he himself could just as easily disappear. I don't know what seized me, but after I poured his coffee, I lowered my voice and almost kissed his earlobe. “You're never going back,” I whispered. “Tell me you're not leaving.”

如果不说话，我们的夜晚就很容易消失，就像他自己也很容易消失一样。我不知道自己被什么抓住了，但在我给他倒完咖啡后，我压低了声音，几乎吻了他的耳垂。"你永远不要回去，"我低声说。"跟我说你不会离开。"

Quietly, he grabbed my arm and pulled me down to my seat at the head of the table. “I'm not leaving. Stop thinking like that.”

悄悄地，他抓住我的胳膊，把我拉到桌首的座位上。"我不会离开。不要再这样想了。"

I wanted to tell him about what had happened twenty years before, the good, the bad, the very good, and the terrible. There'd be time to say these things. I wanted to bring him up-to-date, to let him know everything, as I wanted to know everything about him.

我想告诉他二十年前发生的事情，好的、坏的、非常好的，以及可怕的事情。会有时间说这些事情的。我想让他了解最新情况，让他知道一切，就像我想知道他的一切一样。

I wanted to tell him how on seeing the white of his arms on his very first day among us, all I'd wanted was to be held by them and to feel them on my bare waist. I'd told him some of this while we lay in bed hours earlier. 

我想告诉他，当他第一天来到我们中间，看到他洁白的手臂时，我只想被他抱住，感受他在我赤裸的腰上。几个小时前，当我们躺在床上时，我已经告诉了他一些这些。

“You'd been on an archaeological dig in Sicily, and your arms were so tanned, I noticed them for the first time in our dining room—but the undersides of your arms were so white, and streaked with veins, like marble, and they seemed so delicate. I wanted to kiss each arm, and lick each arm.” 

“Even then?” 

“Even then. Will you just hug me now?” 

"你曾在西西里岛进行过考古挖掘，你的胳膊晒得很黑，我在我们的餐厅里第一次注意到它们--但你的胳膊下面是那么的白，布满血管，像大理石一样，它们看起来是那么的精致。我想亲吻每一只手臂，舔舐每一只手臂。" 

"即使在那时？" 

"即使在那时。你现在能抱抱我吗？" 

“And see where that goes?” he'd asked, and it was good we'd held each other and hadn't done anything more that night. He must have read my thoughts, because this was when he put an arm over my shoulder, brought me close to him, and, turning to the boy, said: “Your brother is such a wonderful person.”

他问道："看看会有什么结果？"好在那晚我们彼此相拥，没有再做什么。他一定是读懂了我的想法，因为这时他把一只胳膊搭在我的肩膀上，把我拉近他的身边，转身对男孩说。"你哥哥真是个了不起的人。"

The boy looked at us. “You think?”

那男孩看着我们。"你觉得呢？"

“Don't you think so?”

"你不这么认为吗？"

“Yes, I do.” The boy smiled. He knew, as I knew and Oliver knew, that irony was the language of the house.

"是的，我认为。" 那男孩笑了。他知道，正如我和奥利弗知道的那样，讽刺是这所房子的语言。

And then without warning, the boy asked: “Are you a good person too?”

然后毫无征兆地，男孩问道 "你也是个好人吗？"

Even Oliver was moved and had to catch his breath. The child was our child. The two of us knew it. And my father, who no longer was alive, knew it just as well, had known all along.

连奥利弗都被感动了，不得不喘口气。这个孩子是我们的孩子。我们两个人都知道这一点。而我的父亲，他已经不在人世了，也知道这一点，一直以来都知道

* * *

 

“Can you believe that the old lighthouse stood here, that we are standing hardly a ten-minute walk away from it?”

"你能相信老灯塔就在这里，我们站在离它几乎只有10分钟路程的地方吗？"

We were in Alexandria for another night, then headed for Naples—our gift to ourselves, or as Miranda called it, our honeymoon, before Oliver was to start teaching at the Sapienza, in Rome. But as we stood staring at the sun and watching families, friends, and people stroll along the esplanade, I wanted to ask if he remembered the moment when we'd sat on a rock one evening and looked out to the sea days before he was to return to New York. 

我们在亚历山大又呆了一晚，然后前往那不勒斯--我们给自己的礼物，或者像米兰达所说的，我们的蜜月，在奥利弗开始在罗马的萨皮恩扎大学教学之前。但是，当我们站在那里凝视着太阳，看着家庭、朋友和人们在海岸边漫步时，我想问他是否记得在他要返回纽约的前几天，有一天晚上我们坐在岩石上眺望大海的时刻。

Yes, he remembered, he said, of course he remembered. I asked if he recalled the nights we'd spent in Rome exploring the city into the wee hours. Yes, he remembered that too. I was going to say that that trip had changed my life, not only because we had spent our time in total freedom together, but because Rome had allowed me to taste the life of an artist, which I craved but didn't know I was meant to live. 

是的，他记得，他说，他当然记得。我问他是否记得我们在罗马度过的那些夜晚，一直到凌晨时分还在探索这座城市。是的，他也记得。我本来想说那次旅行改变了我的生活，不仅因为我们一起度过了完全自由的时光，还因为罗马让我尝到了艺术家的生活，我渴望但不知道自己注定要过这种生活。

We got so drunk yet hardly slept that first night in Rome. And we met so many poets, artists, editors, actors. But then he stopped me. “We're not going to feed off the past, are we?” he asked in his usual laconic manner that told me I had strayed into territory that held no promise for the future.

在罗马的第一个晚上，我们喝得酩酊大醉，却几乎没有睡觉。我们遇到了许多诗人、艺术家、编辑和演员。但后来他阻止了我。"我们不会以过去为食，是吗？"他以他一贯的冷淡方式问道，告诉我我已经误入了对未来没有希望的领域。

 He couldn't have been more right. “I've had to sever many ties and burn bridges I know I'll pay dearly for, but I don't want to look back. I've had Micol, you've had Michel, just as I've loved a young Elio and you a younger me. They've made us who we are. Let's not pretend they never existed, but I don't want to look back.”

 他说得再正确不过了。"我不得不切断许多联系，烧掉一些桥梁，我知道我将为此付出沉重的代价，但我不想回头看。我有过米科尔（奥利弗的妻子），你有过迈克尔（Eilo的前男友），就像我爱上了年轻的Eilo，你爱上了年轻的我。他们使我们成为现在的我们。我们不要假装他们从未存在过，但我不想回头看。"

* * *

Earlier that day we had been to Cavafy's home on what was once rue Lepsius, later renamed rue Sharm el Sheikh, and now known as rue C. P. Cavafy. We laughed at the change of street names, at how the city, so inexorably ambivalent since the dawn of its founding three hundred and some years before Christ, couldn't even make up its mind what to call its own streets. “Everything comes in layers here,” I said. He didn't respond.

那天早些时候，我们去了卡瓦菲的家，那里曾经是莱普斯街，后来改名为沙姆沙伊赫街，现在被称为C.P.卡瓦菲街。我们嘲笑街道名称的变化，嘲笑这座城市自公元前三百多年前建城之初就如此不可阻挡地矛盾，甚至无法决定如何称呼自己的街道。我说："这里的一切都有层次，"我说。他没有回应。

What surprised me as soon as we walked into the sultry apartment that had once been the great poet's home was hearing Oliver rattle off his greeting to the attendant in perfect Greek. How and when had he learned modern Greek? And how many more things didn't I know about his life, and how many didn't he know about mine? 

我们一走进曾经是这位伟大诗人家的闷热公寓，就听到奥利弗用完美的希腊语向服务员打招呼，这让我很吃惊。他是如何以及何时学会的现代希腊语？关于他的生活，我还有多少事情不知道，而关于我他又有多少事情是不知道的呢？

 

He'd taken a crash course, he said, but what truly helped was the sabbatical he'd spent in Greece with his wife and sons. The boys acquired the language in no time, while his wife had stayed home a lot, reading the Durrell brothers on a sunlit deck and picking up snippets of Greek from their cleaning lady, who spoke no English.

他说，他上过速成班，但真正有帮助的是他与妻子和儿子们在希腊度过的休假时间。孩子们很快就掌握了这门语言，而他的妻子则经常呆在家里，在阳光下的甲板上阅读杜瑞尔兄弟的书，从他们的清洁工那里学到一些希腊语片段，她不会说英语。

Cavafy's apartment, which was now a makeshift museum, felt drab and desultory despite the open windows. The neighborhood itself was drab. There was scant light as we entered and, with the exception of scattered sounds rising from the street, the dead silence in the home sat heavily on the spare, old furniture that had most likely been picked up from some abandoned storage house. 

卡瓦菲的公寓现在是一个临时的博物馆，尽管窗户开着，但感觉很单调和杂乱。这个街区本身也很单调。我们进去的时候光线很弱，除了从街上传来的零星声音外，家里死一般的寂静让那些很可能是从某个废弃的仓库里捡来的闲置的旧家具显得很沉重。

Yet the apartment reminded me of one of my favorite poems by the poet, about a band of afternoon sunlight falling across a bed in which the poet, in his younger days, used to sleep with his lover.

然而，这间公寓让我想起了我最喜欢的诗人的一首诗，关于下午的阳光落在一张床上，诗人在年轻的时候，曾经和他的爱人睡在这张床上。

Now, as the poet revisits the premises years later, all the furniture is gone, the bed is gone, and the apartment has been turned into a business office. But that ray of sunlight that was once spread over the bed has not left him and stays forever in his memory. His lover had said he'd be back within a week; but he never returned. I felt the poet's sorrow. One seldom recovers.

现在，当诗人多年后重访这个地方时，所有的家具都不见了，床也不见了，公寓已经变成了一个商业办公室。但那缕曾经撒在床上的阳光却没有离开他，永远留在他的记忆中。他的爱人曾说他会在一个星期内回来；但他一直没有回来。我感到了诗人的悲哀。一个人很少能恢复过来。

We were both disappointed by the assortment of cheaply made photo-portraits of a grim-looking Cavafy that lined the walls. To commemorate the visit, we bought a volume of poems in Greek. When we sat next to each other in an old Greek pastry shop overlooking the bay, Oliver began reading aloud one of the poems to me, first in Greek and then in his own hasty translation. 

我们都对墙上挂着的各种廉价的卡瓦菲的照片画像感到失望。为了纪念这次访问，我们买了一册希腊文的诗集。当我们坐在一家俯瞰海湾的老希腊糕点店里时，奥利弗开始向我朗读其中的一首诗，先是用希腊语，然后是他自己草草翻译的。

I couldn't remember reading that poem before. It was about a Greek colony in Italy that the Greeks called Poseidonia and that was later renamed Paistos by the Lucanians and still later Paestum by the Romans.

我不记得以前读过这首诗。这首诗是关于希腊人在意大利的一个殖民地，希腊人称之为波塞多尼亚，后来被卢卡尼亚人改名为帕斯托斯，再后来被罗马人改名为佩斯顿。

 Over the centuries and so many generations after they'd settled, these Greeks eventually lost the memory of their Greek heritage and of the Greek language, and acquired Italianate customs instead—except for one day each year when, on that ritual anniversary, the Poseidonians would celebrate a Greek festival with Greek music and Greek rites to recall, as best each could, the forgotten customs and language of their forebears, realizing to their profound sorrow that they'd lost their magnificent Greek heritage and were no better than the Barbarians the Greeks were wont to scorn.

在他们定居后的几个世纪里，这些希腊人最终失去了对他们的希腊遗产和希腊语言的记忆，取而代之的是意大利式的习俗--除了每年的某一天，在那个仪式性的纪念日，波塞冬人会用希腊音乐和希腊仪式来庆祝一个希腊节日，尽可能地回忆他们祖先的被遗忘的习俗和语言，他们深深地意识到他们已经失去了华丽的希腊遗产，比希腊人惯常蔑视的蛮族好不了多少。

By sundown that day they'd be cradling the very scraps of their residual Greek identity only to watch it vanish by sunup the next day.

当天日落时分，他们将抱着残存的希腊身份的碎片，只能看着它在第二天日出时分消失。

It was then, as we ate the sweet pastries, that it occurred to Oliver that just like the Poseidonians, the few remaining Alexandrian Greeks today—our hosts, the attendant in the museum, the very old waiter in our pastry shop, the man who had sold us an English-language newspaper this morning—all had acquired new customs, new habits, and spoke a language that smacked of obsolescence compared to the Greek spoken nowadays on the mainland.

就在这时，当我们吃着甜美的糕点时，奥利弗想到，就像波塞冬人一样，今天仅存的几个亚历山大希腊人--我们的主人、博物馆的服务员、糕点店的老服务员、今天早上卖给我们一份英文报纸的人--都已经有了新的习俗、新的习惯，说的语言与现在大陆上的希腊语相比有种过时的感觉。

But Oliver told me something I will never forget: that on the sixteenth of November each year—my birthday—though married and the father of two sons, he would take time out to remember the Poseidonian in himself and to consider what life would have been had we stayed together. 

但奥利弗告诉我一些我永远不会忘记的事情：每年11月16日--我的生日--虽然已经结婚，并且是两个儿子的父亲，但他会抽出时间来回忆自己身上的波塞冬人，并考虑如果我们呆在一起，生活会是什么样子。

“I feared I was starting to forget your face, your voice, your smell, even,” he said. Over the years he had found his own ritual spot not far from his office, overlooking a lake where he would take a few moments on that day to think of our unlived life, his with mine. The vigil, as my father would have called it, never lasted long enough and it disrupted nothing. 

他说："我担心我开始忘记你的脸，你的声音，你的气味，甚至"。多年来，他在离办公室不远的地方找到了自己的仪式地点，俯瞰着一个湖泊，在那里他将在那一天花一些时间来思考我们未完成的生活，他和我的生活。守夜，正如我父亲所称，从来没有持续足够长的时间，也没有打乱什么。

But recently, he went on, and perhaps because he was elsewhere that year, it came to him that the situation was entirely reversed, that he was a Poseidonian on all but one day a year and that the lure of bygone days had never left him, that he had forgotten nothing and didn't want to forget, and that even if he couldn't write or call to see whether I too had forgotten nothing, still, he knew that though neither of us sought out the other it was only because we had never really parted and that, regardless of where we were, who we were with, and whatever stood in our way, all he needed when the time was right was simply to come and find me.

但最近，他继续说，也许是因为那一年他在其他地方，他突然发现情况完全相反，除了一年中的一天，他都是波塞冬人，过去的日子的诱惑从未离开过他，他没有忘记什么，也不想忘记。即使他不能写信或打电话给我，看我是否也什么都没忘，但他仍然知道，尽管我们都没有寻找对方，那只是因为我们从未真正分开过，而且，不管我们在哪里，和谁在一起，以及有什么阻碍我们，当时机成熟时，他所需要的只是来找我而已。

“And you did.”

"而你做到了。"

“And I did,” he said.

"我做到了，"他说。

“I wish my father were alive today.”

"我希望我的父亲今天还活着。"

Oliver looked at me, was silent a while, then said: “So do I, so do I.”

奥利弗看着我，沉默了一会儿，然后说。"我也是，我也是。"