How does the inner critic develop and how can we get it under control?

内心的批判是如何形成的，我们又该如何应对它？

Posted Nov 22, 2014  发表于2014年11月22日

Recently the Italian journalist, Stefania Medetti, read my blog on the Inner Critic Voice and had some questions. As I was answering her questions, I thought this would be a good follow up to that earlier blog.

最近，意大利记者Stefania Medetti阅读了我对于内心批判声音的博客后，向我提出了一些问题。我在回答她的疑惑时，觉得对于那篇博客来说，这将是非常棒的一种跟进。

1.    When is the voice of the inner critic born? How long does the process last?

内心批判的声音是什么时候出现的？它又持续多久？

No one know for sure when we start to hear any kind of inner voice. I assume that we have no inner voices until we start learning language at around 12-18 months old. Since we are also learning to walk at the same time, I think that the inner critic voice begins as soon as we hear the word NO and see and feel our parent’s upset or anger when we are headed toward danger or something they don’t want us to do.

没有人确切地知道内心的声音是什么时候出现的，我设想直到我们在12-18个月大，也就是开始学习语言之前，是没有这种声音的。鉴于我们学习说话和走路是在同一时间，我想是在我们第一次听到“不”，看到或者感觉到父母的不安、愤怒时，内心批判的声音就开始了。这往往是在我们走向危险的时候，或者在做父母不希望我们去做的事情的时候。

People talk about hearing their parent’s voice in their mind, so I think our inner voice is started by whatever the parent say—whether it is loving, angry, encouraging, or critical. The child then divides the world into good and bad, so she/he develops both the good voice that is encouraging and positive, and the inner critic voice that is there to correct the child and is mostly negative.

人们谈论说会在脑海中听见他们父母的声音，于是我认为我们内心批判的声音是由父母所说的话引起的——无论那些话是充满爱意的、气愤的、鼓舞的或是批判的。孩子接着会把世界分成好的和坏的，于是她/他发展出了鼓舞的、积极的好的声音，也发展出了为了纠正孩子而存在的、常常消极的批判的声音。

The more negative the adults are when they talk and interact with the child, the bigger the inner critic voice becomes. Whereas, the more positively the adults talk to the child, the bigger, more positive, and loving the inner voice is. This process lasts throughout our whole lives.

成年人跟孩子说活、互动的时候越消极，批判的声音就越响亮。反之，成年人跟孩子说话的时候越积极，积极的、充满爱意的声音就越响亮。这种过程持续我们的终生。

2.    Is the inner voice shaped by kids trying to please their parents, or is it shaped by the words the parents use, or both?

内心声音的形成是因为孩子设法取悦父母，还是因为父母使用的语言，还是说两者都有影响？

It is definitely shaped by both. We are social being and our survival as children depends on our pleasing our parents. Biology and attachment do a lot to make children and their parents love each other, and the parents overall want to take care of their children. But young children are completely dependent on the good will of the parents, and children innately know that they need to learn the language and the social behaviors of their parents to get their approval and be cared for.

无疑是两者都有影响。我们是社会动物，我们在孩童时期的生存依赖于我们对父母的取悦。生物本能和依恋关系对孩子和父母相互关爱起很大作用，并且总的来说，父母愿意去照顾他们的孩子。但是年幼的孩子完全依赖于父母的好意，孩子也与生俱来地知道他们需要去学习语言和父母的社会行为，才能得到认可和关怀。

3.    Can you give examples of how parents play a role in shaping the child’s inner voice?

你能举些例子来展示父母是如何塑造孩子内心声音的吗？

Whatever a parent says or does is imprinted on the mind of the child. Children are learning machines who absorb everything they see and hear. Parents can say to the child: “You are stupid. You are beautiful. You are bad. You are good.” The child will believe everything the parents say about him/her. And the child FEELS when the parent is loving, angry, disgusted, or adoring. All of these messages are recorded by the child as she/he tries to figure out “Who am I?” As we get older, we have grandparents, teachers, friends and other adults who also reflect in their words and actions who they see us to be. At first we believe everything, but as our minds and individuality develop, we learn to tune in more to the messages from the most SIGNIFICANT people in our lives and ignore messages from people we don’t know or care about.

无论父母说或做任何事，都会在孩子的脑海里留下印迹。孩子是学习机器，会吸收他们看到、听到的所有事物。无论父母对孩子说“你真蠢。你真漂亮。你不乖。你很乖巧。”还是别的，孩子们都会相信父母。并且，无论父母是充满爱意的、生气的、厌恶的还是钟爱的，孩子也都能感觉得出来。所有这些信息会被孩子储存起来，并会尝试用这些信息去搞清楚“我是谁？”我们大一些之后，祖父母、老师、朋友和其他成年人的一言一行也会影响我们对自己的看法。一开始我们会相信所有的信息，但是随着我们头脑和个体性的发展，我们会去与那些来自生命中最重要的人们的信息协调一致，并会忽视那些我们不在乎的人传达的信息。

4.    Why is this inner critical voice louder for some people?

为什么对一些人来说，这种内心批判的声音会更大？

Some people are subjected to many more negative messages than others. I sat listening one evening in a restaurant to two parents with their young daughter having dinner. I noticed that in the span of one minute, they gave the child more than 20 negative messages. For example, “Sit down, be quiet, use your napkin, don’t yell, look at me, be quiet, sit down,” and on and on. That child will clearly have an enormous number of negative messages by the time she becomes an adult.

有些人比起旁人经受了多得多的负面信息。有次晚上在餐厅里，我听见了一对父母和他们的年幼的女儿吃完饭时的对话。我注意到在一分钟之内，他们给了孩子超过20条负面信息。比如“坐下，安静，用餐巾，不要喊，看着我，安静点，坐下”等等，那个孩子在长大成人之前，将明显得到大量的负面信息。

Children have only two choices when confronted with negative and critical messages—either listen or tune out. Children often try to tune out. But for their own survival to please their parents, they HAVE TO listen quite a lot. The more we listen to the criticisms, rejection and hostility of negative messages, the louder the inner critic voice in our minds gets.

在面对消极、批判的信息的时候，孩子们只有两种选则，要么听要么不听。孩子们通常会尝试不听，但出于为了生存而取悦父母，他们不得不听很多很多。我们听到的负面信息中的批判、拒绝与敌意越多，我们脑海里批判的声音就越大。

5.    Is the voice just louder for some people, or can they simply cope with it better?

这种声音是不是对一些人来说就是更大，还是说仅仅是因为有些人能更好地应对它？

It does appear that biologically we all hear negativity louder than the positives. This is probably an adaption for survival. Our survival as a species was dependent on us hearing, “Watch out, there’s a snake”, while hearing “You are doing that well” was not so urgent. However, I have observed that some people hear negatives extremely loudly and tune out the positives almost completely. This appears to be a biological predisposition in some people, while for others, tuning into the criticism is due to hearing so much of it compared to positive messages.

生物学层面上，我们听到的消极声音似乎比积极的更响亮，这也许是因为适者生存。我们作为物种的存续取决于我们能听见“小心，有蛇”，而听到“你真棒”就没那么急迫了。然而，我也观察到有些人听到的消极声音极其响亮，并且几乎完全听不见积极的声音。对于一些人来说这似乎是先天的倾向，但对于其他人来说，这是因为与积极的信息比起来，他们听到的消极信息要多得多。

6.    How does the inner critic impact our lives and self-esteem as kids and as adults?

对于孩子和成年人来说，内心的批判是如何影响的我们的生活和自尊的？

The inner critic voice works very much the same in adulthood as in childhood. It tries to remember what we are NOT supposed to do, which takes a great deal of energy. The inner critic uses up a lot of energy worrying, being fearful of doing the wrong thing, feeling inferior and at fault, and can lead to social awkwardness and lower self-esteem.

内心批判的声音对成年时期的影响与对孩童时期的影响差不多，它想要去记住我们不应该做的事情，这将耗费大量的精力。内心批判的声音消耗大量的精力担忧，害怕犯错，感到自卑、有差错，并可能导致社交不适和低自尊。

A smaller inner critic voice can help us self-correct our behavior to be less selfish and more considerate of others, but when the inner critic voice becomes louder than our loving inner voice, it starts damaging our sense of deservability. The inner critic then starts tearing down our sense of self and damages our self-esteem—sometimes over and over as it becomes a habit.

一个较小的批判的声音能帮助我们自我纠正错误的行为，变得不那么自私、更体贴他人，但是当内心批判的声音变得比内心自爱的声音更响亮时，它就开始伤害我们的自我价值感，接着它会摧毁我们的自我意识，损害自尊——有时会反反复复，并成为一种习惯。

7.    You wrote about a loud and a sneaky voice: What roles do they play?

你写到了一个响亮的和一个暗中作祟的声音：他们扮演着什么样的角色？

The loud inner critic voice is easier to subdue because we can tune into it and hear it more easily, so we can work on neutralizing that voice with positive self-messages, evidence from our good behaviors, and encouragement from others.

响亮的批判的声音更容易被抑制，因为我们能更容易听到它，那么我们就可以用积极的自我描述、良好行为的证据和他人的鼓励来中和这种声音。

But after the loud critical voice is subdued, there can still be a quieter critical voice whispering messages just below our awareness that we don’t even notice. This one is harder to control because we don’t realize that it is there. We see evidence of this negative voice’s influence when we make decisions that are against our own best interests, when we allow others to demean or abuse us, and when we get so focused on the needs and wants of others that our own needs get ignored and our health or well-being is damaged.

但在批判的声音被抑制后，仍然会有一个更安静的批判的声音在我们意识不到的情况下向我们低语。它更难被控制，因为我们无法意识到它的存在。我们可以在做出违背自己利益的决定的时候，在允许他人贬低、虐待我们的时候，在过于聚焦于他人的需要以至于忽视自己、伤害自己的时候，看到这种负面的声音对我们产生影响的证据。

8.    What kinds of situations trigger the inner critic?

什么样的情景诱发这种声音？

The kinds of situations that trigger the inner critic SHOULD be when we have been unkind, uncaring or mean spirited to others. However, too often, the inner critic is there ALL the time even when we are just looking out for our own welfare. People who are overly caretaking of others’ needs, can make themselves emotionally or physically ill by over-doing for others trying to be perfect for that inner critic. Also, if your inner critic is too easily activated, then anyone’s criticism of you (even when undeserved) can trigger it. Then you are criticized from the outside and the inside at once.

能够诱发内心批判声音的情况应该是，当我们对他人不友善、不关心或刻薄的时候。然而通常情况下，即使我们只是在寻求自己的福祉，内心的批判也是一直都在的。那些过度关心他人需求的人，可能会因为为了满足内心的批判而为他人付出过多，导致自己的情感、身体受到伤害。同样的，如果你内心的批判过于容易被激活的话，那么任何人对你的批评（即使是不当的批评）都能触发它，你就会同时受到来自外部和内部的批判。

Learning to get your inner critic under the control of your logical and reasonable mind will allow you to discriminate between times when you need to take better actions and times when someone else is just trying to manipulate you to do their bidding by accusing you of being selfish.

学会使你内心的批判受到理智、明智头脑的掌控，将允许你区分在什么时候你应该采取更好的行动（译注：改正错误），而又是在什么时候他人只是通过指责你自私来尝试操纵你。

9.    When should we start to worry that the inner voice gets in our way?

我们应该在什么时候开始担心内心批判的声音会阻碍我们前进呢？

When you see that you are not taking good care of yourself, it is most likely that your inner critic is getting out of hand and too dominating. We see evidence of very high inner critics in people who are depressed, who are overly self-effacing, who ignore their health, who never exercise, who rarely take time to do something nice for themselves, who are embarrassed by compliments, who feel unworthy or worthless, and who don’t let anyone know what they need or want. You should be worrying about your inner critic voice being too loud whenever you start to feel hopeless, helpless, unimportant, overly-obligated, overly-guilty, hurt that others are being better treated than you are, and depressed that no one is thinking of your needs.

当你看到自己没有照顾好自己的时候，这很可能是因为你内心的批判失控了、过于主宰你了。我们能在那些沮丧的人，过于低调的人，忽视自身健康的人，从不锻炼的人，很少花时间为自己着想的人，会因为称赞感到尴尬的人，感到自己不配或无价值感的人，不让任何人知道他们的需求的人身上，看到高度内心批判的证据。当你感到无望、无助、不重要、过分负责、过分自责、因为他人比你被更好对待而感到受伤、因为没人考虑你的需求而感到沮丧的时候，你应该担心内心批判的声音是不是太大了。

10. Can you give suggestions about:

你能给出以下建议吗：

How to react when we hear this inner critic voice?

听到内心批评声音的时候，该如何应对？

Take the four steps that I outlined in my earlier article—Awareness, Questioning, Deactivate, Replace. Be aware of the message the inner critic is giving you; question whether it is true or not; if it is not true, deactivate the negative message by identifying and acknowledging your positive strengths; and replace the inner critic’s lie with a statement of positive truth about yourself.

采取我在之前的文章里概述的四个步骤——意识、质疑、无效化、取代。意识到内心的批判在传递给你的信息；质疑它是不是正确的；如果它是错误的，就通过识别和承认你的优点来使负面信息无效化；用关于你的积极的事实来取代内心批判的谎言。

How to behave with people who trigger this voice?

如何应对那些触发这种声音的人？

Stop to assess whether the person criticizing you is truly loving, kind and focuses on your best interest. If so, then go through the four steps I just outlined to determine what may be true about their criticism. Take whatever corrective action you feel is right.

你应该停下来，去评估批评你的人是不是带着爱意和善良，并聚焦于你的利益。如果是这样，就按照我上面列出的四个步骤来确定他们的批评是不是正确，并采取你认为正确的行动纠正自己。

Assess whether you are over-reacting to the criticism. It may be that your own inner critic is too loud or you have an inner critic message that you were unaware of until the other person’s criticism hit that nerve. 

你应该评估你是否对批评的反应过于强烈，这可能是因为你内心的批判过于响亮，也可能是因为你一直都没有察觉到一个内心批判的信息，直到他人的批评触及了你的痛处。

If the person triggering your inner critic is consistently critical, unjust in their criticism, and using their criticism to make you feel bad or manipulate you, this is a toxic person. Your inner self-loving voice needs to be activated to move you away from further interactions with the toxic person and to repair the damage they are doing to your self-esteem. Avoiding this person whenever possible is your best choice.

如果那个触发你内心的批评的人一直都爱挑剔，批评时不公平，并用他们的批评来打击你或者操纵你，那么他就是一个有毒的人。你需要激活内心自爱的声音来使你远离这种有毒的人，并去修复他们对你的自尊造成的伤害。你最好的选择是，尽可能地避开这种人。

How to train ourselves to cope with the inner critic better?

我们如何训练自己才能更好地应对内心的批判？

Taking charge of your inner critic means being aware of what you are saying to yourself and about yourself on a continuous basis. Tuning into your self-messages will prove to your inner self that you care. Then be kind to yourself. Imagine what you would say to a dear friend if he or she was saying such a self-critical thing. Say this positive message to yourself until you really understand its truth. Surround yourself with loving, caring people who are supportive and encouraging and whom you can trust to deliver any criticisms justly and kindly. And stay away from overly negative and critical people and interactions.

掌控内心的批判需要你持续不断地意识到你对自己说的是什么。转而去关注自我描述将向你内心的自己证明你是在乎的，然后你要好好对待自己。想象一下，如果你的挚友也这么批判自己，你会对他/她说什么，你要把这种积极的信息传达给自己直到你真的看到了关于自己的真相。让那些充满爱意的、体贴的人包围你，他们会支持你、鼓励你，你也能够信任他们能公平、友好地给出建议。远离那些过于负面、吹毛求疵的人，远离那些过于负面、吹毛求疵的人际关系。

About the Author 作者介绍

Margalis Fjelstad, Ph.D., LMFT, is a therapist, author and speaker on the topic of borderlines and narcissists.

原文地址：https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/stop-caretaking-the-borderline-or-narcissist/201411/more-questions-about-the-inner-critic#:~:text=The%20inner%20critic%20voice%20works%20very%20much%20the,can%20lead%20to%20social%20awkwardness%20and%20lower%20self-esteem.