【中英双语】话不投机时怎样控制情绪

How to Control Your Emotions During a Difficult Conversation

by Amy Gallo

It’s hard not to get worked up emotionally when you’re in a tense conversation. After all, a disagreement can feel like a threat. You’re afraid you’re going to have to give up something — your point of view, the way you’re used to doing something, the notion that you’re right, or maybe even power – and your body therefore ramps up for a fight by triggering the sympathetic nervous system. This is a natural response, but the problem is that our bodies and minds aren’t particularly good at discerning between the threats presented by not getting your way on the project plan and, say, being chased down by a bear. Your heart rate and breathing rate spike, your muscles tighten, the blood in your body moves away from your organs, and you’re likely to feel uncomfortable.

人们在紧张的谈话中，通常难以保持心平气和。毕竟，意见分歧会让人感到一种威胁。你害怕自己将不得不放弃一些东西，比如：自己的观点、习惯的做法、自认为正确的理念，抑或是权力——身体会因此血脉偾张，交感神经系统处于战备状态，一触即发。这是一种自然反应，问题是我们的身体和大脑并不特别擅长识别，往往将你在项目计划中所面临的压力等同于你正在被一只熊穷追猛赶。你的心率和呼吸频率上升，肌肉收紧，体内的血液游离于器官，可能令你感到不适。

None of this puts you in the right frame of mind to resolve a conflict. If your body goes into “fight or flight” mode or what Dan Goleman called “amygdala hijack,” you may lose access to the prefrontal cortex, the part of your brain responsible for rational thinking. And making rational decisions is precisely what you need to do in a difficult conversation. Not only are you losing the ability to think clearly but chances are your counterpart notices the signs of stress — your face turning red, the pace of your speech speeding up — and, because of mirror neurons that cause us to “catch” the emotions of another person, your colleague is likely to start feeling the same way. Before you know it, the conversation has derailed and the conflict intensifies.

上述这种状况不利于形成解决冲突的正确心态。一旦你的身体进入“战斗或逃跑”模式，或者如同丹·格曼（DanGoleman）所说的“杏仁核劫持”（amygdala hijack）形态，前额叶皮层可能会关闭，这是大脑负责理性思考的区域，而在一场话不投机的交谈中，你所需要的恰恰是做出合理决定。你不仅会丧失清晰思考的能力，同时，对手很可能已注意到了你的压力信号——脸变红了，讲话速度加快，而且，由于镜像神经元可使我们“捕捉”另一个人的情绪，你的同事可能也会有同样的感觉。还没等你察觉到，谈话已经中断，冲突加剧了。

Luckily, it’s possible to interrupt this physical response, manage your emotions, and clear the way for a productive discussion. There are several things you can do to keep your cool during a conversation or to calm yourself down if you’ve gotten worked up.

幸运的是我们有可能阻断身体不良反应、控制情绪，并为一次富有成效的讨论扫清道路。在谈话中，如果情绪激动，你可以做一些事情让自己冷静下来。

Breathe. Simple mindfulness techniques can be your best friend in tense situations and none is more straightforward and accessible than using your breath. So when you start noticing yourself getting tense, try to focus on breathing. Notice the sensation of air coming in and out of your lungs. Feel it pass through your nostrils or down the back of your throat. This will take your attention off the physical signs of panic and keep you centered. Some mindfulness experts suggest counting your breath — either inhaling and exhaling for a count of 6, for example, or just counting each exhale until you get to 10 and then starting again.

呼吸。在紧张的情况下，简单的正念技巧可成为你最好的朋友，没有比使用呼吸更简单、更容易理解的了。所以当你开始注意到自己变得紧张时，试着将关注点转移到呼吸上。注意空气从你肺部流出的感觉，体会空气穿过鼻孔，或者喉咙后部时的清凉。这会把你的侧重点从恐慌的身体迹象上引开，集中注意力。一些正念专家建议计算呼吸次数，例如吸气六次，呼气六次，或只计算呼气次数，到达十次后再重新开始计算。

Focus on your body. Sitting still when you’re having a difficult conversation can make the emotions build up rather than dissipate. Experts say that standing up and walking around helps to activate the thinking part of your brain. If you and your counterpart are seated at a table, you may be hesitant to suddenly stand up. Fair enough. Instead, you might say, “I feel like I need to stretch some. Mind if I walk around a bit?” If that still doesn’t feel comfortable, you can do small physical things like crossing two fingers or placing your feet firmly on the ground and noticing what the floor feels like on the bottom of your shoes. Mindfulness experts call this “anchoring.” It can work in all kinds of stressful situations. For example, for a long time I was afraid of flying, but I found that counting while touching each of my fingers with my thumb helped to get me out of my rumination mode.

关注身体。当你觉得谈话难以进行下去时，静静地坐着可以提振情绪，而非令人气馁。专家说，站起来走动可以激活大脑的思维专区。如果你和对方都坐在桌子旁，也许不好意思突然站起来。这情有可原。不过，你可以说，“我觉得需要抻一抻，介意我稍微走动一下吗？”如果还不舒服的话，你可以做一些小的身体动作，比如两个手指交叉，或者把脚牢牢放在地上，注意鞋子踩着地板的感觉，正念专家称之为“锚定”，对克服各种压力都有效。例如，有一段时间我很害怕飞行，但是我发现，用大拇指抚摸每个手指数数的方法，可以帮助我脱离沉思模式。

Try saying a mantra. This is a piece of advice I’ve gotten from Amy Jen Su, managing partner of Paravis Partners and coauthor of Own the Room. She recommends coming up with a phrase that you can repeat to yourself to remind you to stay calm. Some of her clients have found “Go to neutral” to be a helpful prompt. You can also try “This isn’t about me,” “This will pass,” or “This is about the business.”

试着念念咒语，这是艾米·苏（AmyJen Su）给我的忠告，她是 Paravis伙伴公司的执行合伙人，曾与人合作撰写《办公室之主》（Own the Room）一书。她建议你可以反复默念一句话，提醒自己保持冷静。她的一些客户发现“中庸之道”不失为有益的提示。你也可以尝试说“这与我个人无关”“事情会过去的”或者“这只是一项业务”。

Acknowledge and label your feelings. Another useful tactic comes from Susan David, author of Emotional Agility. When you’re feeling emotional, “the attention you give your thoughts and feelings crowds your mind; there’s no room to examine them,” she says. To distance yourself from the feeling, label it. “Call a thought a thought and an emotion an emotion,” says David. He is so wrong about that and it’s making me mad becomes I’m having the thought that my coworker is wrong, and I’m feeling anger. Labeling like this allows you to see your thoughts and feelings for what they are: “transient sources of data that may or may not prove helpful.” When you put that space between these emotions and you, it’s easier to let them go — and not bury them or let them explode.

承认并标记你的感受。另一个有用的策略来自苏珊·戴维（Susan David）——《情感灵敏度》（Emotional Agility）一书的作者。她说，当你感觉情绪化时，“关注对象充斥着你的思想和感觉，你没有精力再去审视它们”。为了远离这种感觉，不妨给它们贴上标签。戴维说，“思想是思想，情感是情感。”同事错得离谱，让我很生气，这种看法让我认为他做得不对，我感到愤怒。像这样的标签可以让你分清自己的想法和感受：“短暂的情绪处理可能是有效的。”当你把这些情绪分门别类之后，就更容易控制它们，而不是被它们搞得焦头烂额，或任其爆发。

Take a break. In my experience, this is a far-underused approach. The more time you give yourself to process your emotions, the less intense they are likely to be. So when things get heated, you may need to excuse yourself for a moment — get a cup of coffee or a glass of water, go to the bathroom, or take a brief stroll around the office. Be sure to give a neutral reason for why you want to stand up and pause the conversation — the last thing you want is for your counterpart to think that things are going so badly you’re desperate to escape. Try saying something like, “I’m sorry to interrupt you, but I’d love to get a quick cup of coffee before we continue. Can I get you something while I’m up?”

休息一下。以我的经验，这是一个远未被充分利用的方法。你给自己处理情绪的时间越多，越能缓解紧张情绪。因此，当事情变得白热化时，你可能需要找个借口——喝杯咖啡或喝杯水，去洗手间，或者在办公室里漫步一会儿。一定要给出一个中立无害的理由，说明你为什么要站起来，暂停谈话——你最不想做的就是让对方认为事情变得如此糟糕，以至于你不顾一切地想要逃离。试着说一句，“很抱歉打断你，但我想在我们继续之前喝杯咖啡。我能帮你带点什么吗？”

Keep in mind that you’re probably not the only one who’s upset. Your counterpart is likely to express anger or frustration too. While you may want to give them the above advice, no one wants to be told they need to breathe more deeply or take a break. So you may be in a situation where you just need to let the other person vent. That’s usually easier said than done though. It’s hard not to yell back when you’re being attacked, but that’s not going to help. Jeanne Brett, a professor of dispute resolution and negotiations at Kellogg School of Management, suggests visualizing your coworker’s words going over your shoulder, not hitting you in the chest. But don’t act aloof; it’s important to show that you’re listening. If you don’t feed your counterpart’s negative emotion with your own, it’s likely they will wind down.

记住，你或许不是唯一一个心烦意乱的人，你的对手可能也想表达愤怒或沮丧。虽然你想给他们上述建议，但没有人希望被告知他们需要深呼吸或者休息一下，所以此时你只需要让对方发泄出来就行。这通常说起来容易做起来难。当你受到攻击时，很容易情绪激动，但那不会有任何帮助。凯洛格管理学院的争议解决和谈判教授简尼·布莱特（Jeanne Brett）建议你设身处地为同事着想，而不是迎面冲突。但不要表现得冷漠，重要的是让别人知道你在倾听。如果你不是在糟糕的情绪下与对方针锋相对，他们很可能会让步。

Let’s face it. Conflicts with coworkers can be tough. But you’re not going to solve the underlying issues or maintain a positive relationship if you barrel through the conversation when you’re completely worked up. Hopefully, these five tactics will help you move from angry and upset to cool as a cucumber.

让我们面对现实。与同事冲突可能很棘手，但是，在谈话中情绪激动，并不能解决潜在问题，也无法保持良性关系。希望以上五种策略能帮助你在愤怒和沮丧中恢复冷静。

艾米·伽罗（Amy Gallo)| 文  时青靖 | 编辑

艾米·伽罗是《哈佛商业评论》的特约编辑，也是《哈佛商业评论指南：处理工作冲突》的作者。她的写作和讨论主题是职场动态。