英文灌水日记190609

         When it comes to my connection with piano, it must trace back to 2004. That year I was just graduated from my high school, and meant to enter a college for advanced studies. As I had a strong test-taking ability, the options opened to me are extensive, and as I had done wide readings in many branches of learning and was quite familiar with each of them, I had a free choice about the major I am keen on. As to my father, a prestigious professor in NFU, he had already paved a flat road for me—as long as I had the intention to become a student of Nanjing Forestry University, he would take good care of everything for me until I get PhD. Despite the fact that he did everything to persuade me onto the track he prepared for me, I was as stubborn as a mule and reluctant to follow him, because I had my own plans. At that time I developed an interest towards piano, (at the beginning I was obsessed with Jay Chou’s songs, then I was curious about this instrument of wide range), and without a reason I dreamed myself to be admitted by conservatory of music. It is beyond doubt that my strong point is computer science. If I had chose it as my major, I could have achieved success with minimal efforts. But, perhaps because I wanted to run away from the social trends and the control of my father, I turned myself to auditory art—a sphere totally strange to me. 

         要说起我与钢琴的缘分还得追溯到2004年。那一年我高中刚毕业，正打算进大学深造，因为我的应试能力很强，所以我有很大的选择余地，也因为我之前广泛涉猎了各门学科、对其中的任何一门都了如指掌，所以我可以自由选择自己感兴趣的专业。而我爸爸呢，作为一名有很高威望的南林大教授，他早就为我铺平了路——只要我有进南林的打算，他可以为我打点好一切直到我拿到博士学位。尽管他想尽一切法子说服我走他为我预备的路，但我犟的就像一头驴，一点都不愿意跟从在他后面，因为我已经有了自己的打算。那时我突然对钢琴产生了兴趣，（刚开始我迷上了周杰伦的歌，接着我开始对钢琴这件音域宽广的乐器感到好奇），也不知道是什么原因我觉得自己如果能被音乐学院录取那就最好了。毫无疑问我的强项是计算机，如果我选择计算机专业，就能花最少的努力达到成功，但是也许我想逃离社会的大趋势和父亲的掌控，我转向了另一个对自己来说完全陌生的领域——听觉艺术。 

         In this way I began my career as a music student. First I learnt piano technique from teachers in a training center affiliated to a piano factory, then I was admitted by Piano Department of Nanjing Art Institute (NAI for short) as a result of 6 months’ hard work. Since then I could regard myself as a professional. As to the piano music itself, my favorite composer is Chopin. I still remember when I was first brought to listen to his music, it won’t take more than 5 minutes that I gravitated towards it and wondered there has such beautiful music in the world! I developed a special feeling towards it. In my view, his music is of rich connotation and not that superficial in comparison with those popular ones (such as Richard Claydeman’s or Bandary’s pieces) everyone is eager to play; not that obscure and difficult to comprehend comparing with other composers' from the same period. In a word, Chopin’s music could draw me in right away. It was not yet two months since I was taught to read music, I was anxious to try Chopin’s tunes on the piano yet unexpectedly provoked opposition.

         就这样我开始了自己作为一个钢琴学生的生涯，先是跟着一家隶属于钢琴厂的培训中心里的代课老师学，之后在付出了六个月艰苦努力的情况下我终于被南艺钢琴系录取了，从此我可以夸口说自己是一个专业人士了。就钢琴音乐本身来说，我最喜欢的作曲家是肖邦，我还记得自己第一次被带去听肖邦，用不着五分钟我就被音乐给吸引住了，我惊叹世界上竟然有这么好听的音乐！我对那种音乐有一种特殊的感觉，相比起那种每个人都跃跃欲试的通俗音乐（比如理查德克莱德曼和班得瑞）而言，它富有内涵而不那么肤浅；相比起同时代的其他作曲家的作品，它没有那么晦涩和深奥。一言以蔽之，肖邦的音乐能够一下子就把我给吸引住。我被教会识谱还不到两个月就赶不及在钢琴上试着弹肖邦却不想引起了别人的反感。 

         Although I had no idea of what everybody else backbite me, I could feel their strange way of looking at me when we met in the corridor led to piano rooms, as if they were saying to me “you want to play Chopin when you have just learnt to read music? You such an egomaniac!”. I was quite helpless about that: Whether I play Chopin or not is my business, what is it to you? The hands grow on my body, it is my freedom to play whatever I like. So, instead of restrain myself and behave myself to practice what teacher taught, I went my own way ever further. My deed surely created wider offense, and I felt quite painful having to look at those strange eyes in the training center. Desperately, I had no other choice but to stand out and explain myself: I play Chopin just for fun. It is said interest is the best teacher. When I follow my interest to learn piano, it will never be a dull job to me. However, as if my words had no effect on them, they treated me as an egomaniac as before and backbite me as usual, which embittered me further. 

         虽然我不知道他们在背后说我什么，但是我能感觉到在琴房前的过道里碰到他们时每个人都对我投来怪怪的眼神，好像他们在对我说“你才学会识谱就想弹肖邦，真不知道天高地厚！”对此我也很无奈：我弹不弹肖邦是我的事，跟你们有什么关系？手长在我身上，我爱弹什么是我的自由。所以我不仅没有收敛自己，老老实实地弹老师布置的那些东西，反而更加我行我素了。我的行为当然招致了更大的反感，我也因为不得不面对培训中心那些怪怪的眼光而倍感痛苦。万般无奈之下，我只得站出来为自己辩解：我弹肖邦仅仅是因为兴趣，都说兴趣是最好的老师，当我带着兴趣学钢琴，它将不再是一件枯燥的差事。尽管如此，我的话好像一点儿都不管用，他们依然把我看作是一个自大狂，还是像以前那样在背后把我说的很坏，这让我更加痛苦。 

         In spite of the fact that no one was on my side, I persevered in trying my ideal music on piano. Fortunately, I encountered a rather open-minded teacher Kong in NAI, instead of being cynical about me, she kept encouraging me and taught me in accordance with my aptitude. Under her guidance, I learnt the complete etudes of Chopin and 3 of his ballades. Furthermore, to distinguish myself from most of my classmates in NAI, as they were all applying themselves to Chopin’s relatively simple pieces, I began to take my first step towards Liszt. Although I was by no means an understandable person in the eyes of most of my schoolmates, I took delight in conquering these abstruse pieces. I felt fairly excited when I first gained proficiency in playing one of Liszt’s transcendent etudes—Since I learnt to play piano from scratch at the age of 20, I was able to play Liszt within 3 years! I learnt a great deal from Kong: to grasp different style, to use pedal in different pieces, to select suitable pieces for myself and so forth. 4 year in NAI as a piano major student past in the twinkling of an eye, after finishing defending my thesis and getting everything done, I was graduated from my college! Now I could brag that I am a graduate of piano department, I am a music professional.

         尽管没有人站在我这一边，我还是坚持在钢琴上实践自己心目中理想的音乐。好在我在南艺遇到了一个相对开明的孔老师，她总是鼓励我并对我因材施教，而不总是恶语相向。在她的指点下，我弹会了肖邦的全套练习曲和三首叙事曲。除此之外，为了使自己跟班上大部分其他同学区分开来（他们也致力于攻克肖邦那些相对粗浅的曲子），我开始染指于李斯特。虽然在绝大多数同学看来我一点都不可理喻，我却在攻克那些艰深乐曲这件事上自得其乐，当我第一次驾驭了一首李斯特的超技练习曲之后我感觉异常激动——从我20岁零基础开始学钢琴，三年内我就能弹李斯特了！我从孔老师那里学到了很多：把握不同的风格、在不同的乐曲当中运用踏板、选择适合自己的曲子等等，四年钢琴系学生的生涯一眨眼就过去了，答辩完论文和办好一些手续之后，我就从大学毕业了！从此我也能吹嘘自己是一个钢琴系的毕业生、一个音乐专业人士了。 

         In spite of the fact that my achievement has been recognized by an authorized institution, most of people around me are unable to appreciate my performance. Every time when I strike up an acquaintance with a new friend and introduce myself as a graduate of piano major, the other side is bound to say, “Oh, really, you are awesome! It’s my pleasure to listen to your playing!” But they always betrayed that “they can’t understand”, “it’s too obscure for them to comprehend” when they have a chance to hear it with their own ears. To some degree, I, as a professional, am less welcome than those amateurs able to play melodious pieces such as “Fur Elise”, “Ballade pour Adeline”, “Mariage d’amour”. As mentioned above, I deem this kind of music too superficial and worthless to play. Aside from sensual pleasure, they can provide nothing to the listeners. Aesthetically, they are gaudy and showy without any substance, and therefore can’t be counted as good music. It will be a waste of time and efforts if I concentrate myself on them. Even if I, by playing them, am accepted by people surround me, they can by no means ensure my survival in professional music industry. Therefore, I am reluctant to try them even though my skill can well handle them. Yet I feel the cognitive abilities of most listeners can’t reach my level, they think the essence of music is something pleasant to ear, you are a good player as long as sweet music flows from your fingers. And if you can do nothing but “make noise”, you must be an unqualified player. 

         尽管我在音乐方面的造诣已经被权威机构认可了，身边的绝大多数人都不能欣赏我的演奏。每次当我认识一个新朋友并向对方介绍自己毕业于钢琴系时，对方一定会说：“真的吗，你太厉害了！如果能欣赏你弹琴那一定是我的荣幸！”倘若他们真的有机会耳闻我弹琴，他们总会表现出“听不懂”，“太晦涩了，不知道在弹些什么”。在某种程度上，我一个专业人士甚至不如那些搞业余、能表演两三首好听的曲子如“致爱丽丝”、“水边的阿狄丽娜”、“梦中的婚礼”的那些人受欢迎。正如我上面提到的，我觉得那种音乐太肤浅和没有价值，除了感官享受，它们不能带给听众任何其他的东西。从美学上讲，它们花哨、浮华却没有任何实质性的内容，因此算不上好音乐。如果我把心思花在那个上面纯粹是浪费时间和精力，即便凭着弹那些曲子的我被周围人接受，那也根本没法让我在专业音乐圈立足，因此，即便我的技巧早就能驾驭这类曲子我也不愿去碰它们。可是我感觉绝大多数听众的认知水平都达不到我的高度，他们认为音乐的本质就是让耳朵舒服，只要你的指尖能流畅出美妙的音符你就是一个好的钢琴手，如果你只会“制造噪音”，你一定是一个不合格的乐师。

         In this way I am thrown into a dilemma: be myself and turn a deaf ear to the people around me, I will be isolated and unpopular to an extent that I will be spat at and deemed a “noise maker” by those misunderstanding me; take the initiative to cater to these vulgar people, I will degrade myself, and after a long time I will go so far as to lose confidence in myself and become indecisive. After a tough struggle in my mind, I made up my mind to give up playing that instrument of wide range. Anyway, I can’t make a decision in that black-and-white option: for one thing, I am unwilling to lose myself, for another, I don’t want myself to act as a villain, a person universally disgusted. Not long after I abandoned playing piano, I turned my attention to classical music composition. It not only can make full use of the knowledge I previously accumulated, but can avoid conflict thoroughly: without a disturbing piano, I can finish everything on my computer, people stand up to me can't do anything with me even if they are averse to the noisiness I make. Simultaneously, I did everything I can during the process to make my pieces not so eccentric that most of my friends and relatives can accept me readily. When I find myself unfettered by that black-and-white option: either cater to others or be disliked by them, I feel relieved. Till then I found myself too bullheaded for a professional piano player, music composition, by contrast, is my real end-result. From this time on I set a goal for myself: no matter what difficulty I have to face and what hardship I have to go through, I must treat it as my lifelong career and never forsake it. 

         就这样我陷入了一个困境当中：如果做我自己，同时对身边的人置若罔闻，我就会被孤立、变得不受欢迎，甚至到一种程度那些不理解我的人会向我吐口水并把我看作一个“噪音制造者”；如果我主动去迎合那些低俗的人，我就不得不降低身段，时间长了我甚至会对自己失去信心，变得优柔寡断。在内心挣扎了好一阵子以后，我下决心放弃那个音域宽广的乐器，不管怎么说，我不能在那个非黑即白的选择之间做出抉择，我既不愿意失去自己，也不愿意扮演一个反派角色、一个被所有人唾弃的大坏蛋。就在我丢掉了钢琴不久之后，我把精力转向了古典音乐的创作，这不仅可以把我以前积累的知识利用起来，也可以充分避免矛盾：用不着搅扰人安宁的钢琴，我仅仅在电脑上就能完成一切，站在我对立面上的人即便再不喜欢我制造出的噪音也拿我没辙。同时在这过程中，我也想尽一切法子使我的曲子没那么怪，以至于不难被亲戚和朋友们接受。当我感觉自己不被那个非黑即白的选择束缚（要么迎合别人，要么被别人讨厌）的时候，我一下子就释然了。直到现在我才发现死脑筋不懂得变通的我并不适合职业搞钢琴，相比之下作曲才是我真正的归宿。从此我为自己定下了目标：把它当成我毕生的事业，就算再困难、再艰苦也不离不弃。 

         That is my current situation. 

         这就是我的现状。