【中英双语】不妨跟职场爸爸聊聊，如何平衡工作和生活？
Becoming a Working Dad
Among the transitions people face in their lives, becoming a parent may be the most consequential. The fact that this life change is often expected and joyful does little to reduce the emotional upheaval and personal and professional adjustment required.
在人的一生面临的各种转变里，“为人父母”或许是最为影响深远的。这项变化通常受人期待，且令人喜悦，但也难以减少随之而来的情绪起伏，以及个人和职业方面需要做出的调整。
But while the transition that new moms face — everything from postpartum depression and career anxiety to a heightened sense of pride and purpose — has been deeply studied by academics and oft discussed in popular culture, the transition that new dads face has been woefully ignored by researchers and reduced to little more than a punchline in popular culture.
不过，新妈妈面临的转变——从产后抑郁、事业焦虑到高度的自豪和意义感等所有的一切——都有相关的深度学术研究，且在流行文化中经常被讨论，新爸爸却被研究者忽视，在流行文化里至多不过一句玩笑带过。
Yet the two transitions can’t be separated. The impact brought on by massive growth in the number of working moms is inextricably entangled with the impact of having a new culture of engaged dads. As more and more moms have entered the workspace (two-thirds of mothers with children under six work outside the home; for those with children over six, the number balloons to 77%), more dads have entered the parenting space.
然而，这两种转变不能分开讨论。上班族妈妈的数量大幅度增长，和建立让父亲承担育儿责任的新文化，这两件事的影响密不可分。越来越多的母亲进入职场（六岁以下儿童的母亲有2/3在外工作，六岁以上儿童的母亲在外工作的比例则高达77%），于是有更多的父亲进入育儿领域。
Some of this change is by necessity — working moms, by definition, have less time in their day for childcare and increasingly demand that dads step up — but far more of the change is by choice. Dads, it turns out, enjoy being more involved in childrearing. Asked how they view their role in the family, three-quarters of fathers say their role is “both earning money and caring for my child.”
改变在一定程度上是出于必要——上班族妈妈能够用于育儿的时间必然较少，对父亲参与的需求越来越高——但更多的是个人选择。事实证明，爸爸喜欢参与育儿。被问及如何看待自己在家中的作用，3/4的父亲说自己“既赚钱又照顾自己的孩子”。
While this flowering of interest in fatherhood has many upsides for dads, moms, and children alike, it raises a host of complications and awkward adjustments for everyone involved, including employers and managers. And though the research into these questions does not go back decades, it has accelerated in recent years.
父亲对育儿热情高涨，对父母孩子都有很多好处，但也让涉及的每一个人，包括雇主和管理者，面临一系列复杂的问题。关于这些问题的研究虽然时日尚浅，但最近几年已经开始加速。
My own research into life transitions has found that they involve three phases. The first is what I call the “long goodbye,” in which the person going through the transition mourns the life they’re leaving behind. The second is the “messy middle,” in which the person sheds certain habits, mindsets, and lifestyles and begins to create new ones. The third is the “new beginning,” in which the person introduces their new self. These phases parallel nicely with the challenges and opportunities new fathers face.
我对人生转变的研究发现，转变有三个阶段。第一个阶段叫作“漫长的告别”，进入转变的人哀叹自己以往的生活。第二个阶段是“混乱的中段”，开始在习惯、思维和生活方式方面去旧换新。第三阶段是“新的开始”，新的自我完全形成。这几个阶段与新爸爸面临的挑战和机遇非常相似。
Here, based on this growing body of knowledge, are five tips for new dads to make the transition into working fatherhood a process that’s not just life disrupting, but life affirming, too.
根据越来越多的研究成果，以下提供五条建议，协助新爸爸在这个转变阶段获得对生命的肯定。
Accept It / 接受
The first lesson for new dads is not to skip over the changes involved. A phase of life has passed. Instead, accept that becoming a father brings with it a host of emotions. These emotions include not just upbeat ones, like joy, elation, and pride, but also downbeat ones, like fear, anxiety, and helplessness.
新爸爸的第一课是，不要逃避相关的变化。人生的一个阶段结束了。接受自己成为父亲这一事实，能够带来许多情绪，不仅有喜悦、高兴和自豪等正面情绪，也有恐惧、焦虑和无助等负面情绪。
Researchers in Australia did a comprehensive analysis of more than 500 research papers and found that anxiety disorders in expectant fathers begin in early pregnancy and are widespread across the perinatal period. These feelings crest around birth, when dads often succumb to bouts of helplessness and solitude. For men who already have a history of mental health challenges, these changes can be especially acute.
澳大利亚的研究人员对500多篇论文进行了综合分析，发现准爸爸会在伴侣怀孕早期出现焦虑症状，在伴侣围产期普遍焦虑，在孩子出生前后达到最高水平。爸爸们常常感到无助和孤独。对于有过心理健康问题的男性而言，这类变化可能尤其剧烈。
On top of those emotions at home, dads often feel a sense of concern about falling behind or losing pace at work. Certain routines with colleagues and bosses, from social gatherings to conventions to weekend rounds of golf, may diminish in priority, thereby stoking fears that the responsibilities at home are undermining opportunities at work.
除了在家中的这些情绪，爸爸们还经常担心自己在工作上落后或减速。与同事和上司的常规活动如社交聚会、聊天和周末的高尔夫等等，优先度可能会下降，因此他们会担心工作方面的机会被家庭责任影响。
The point is that transitioning to fatherhood is an emotional experience; take time to identify and accept it.
重点在于，成为父亲是一种情感体验，要花时间感受情绪，并予以接受。
Mark It / 标记
So how should working dads cope with these feelings?
那么，爸爸们应当如何应对这些感受？
The answer is to bring the feelings into the open by finding appropriate venues to explore them. My research has found that people use a variety of techniques to respond to the rush of emotions in life transitions: Some write about their feelings; others buckle down and push through. But 80% of people use rituals — public, often shared experiences that indicate to themselves and those around them that they’re going through an emotional time and are preparing for what comes next.
答案是，寻找合适的可以探索这些情感的场所，将之公开化。我的研究发现，人们用各种方法应对人生转变时的强烈情感：有些人把自己的感受写下来，还有人默默挺过去。不过80%的人都需要某种固定程序——公开，通常会分享体验，向自己和身边的人表明自己在经历情绪波动的时期，为接下来的一切做准备。
The same applies to fathers. For those having a hard time adjusting to the sometimes abstract news of impending parenthood, for instance, the first sonogram has been found to be a galvanizing moment. While the new mom experiences the physical transformation, the dad sometimes needs the visual ritual.
新爸爸也是同样。举例来说，自己即将为人父母的消息有时感觉很抽象，难以做出相应调整，那么第一次做超声波扫描就是一个令人激动的时刻。新妈妈会体验到生理上的转变，爸爸则需要这种视觉上的确认。
A host of research has also shown that for working dads, sharing stories with others in a support group can help. Even online groups work. The reason such encounters are effective is that gathering with peers in safe settings allows new fathers to normalize their concerns and even use humor to exert some control over them. Expressing these feelings has been shown to lead to completeness, maturity, personal growth, and pride.
还有许多研究表明，上班族爸爸与支持团体中的其他人分享经历会有所帮助。即使是网络上的支持团体也很有用。原因在于，在安全的环境下与同伴聚会，令新爸爸感到自己的担忧是正常的，甚至能够运用幽默获得一些对这种担忧的控制感。研究表明，表达出这些感受，能让人获得充实感、变得成熟、实现个人成长，并感到自豪。
The success of such support groups led the Boston College Center for Work & Family to recommend that companies start fathers’ affinity groups or offer brown-bag seminars targeted at men as a way to foster acceptance of the dual roles of working dads.
因为这类支持团体效果很好，波士顿学院工作与家庭中心建议企业成立父亲互助会，或者开展面向男性的育儿研讨会，协助上班族爸爸接受自己的双重角色。
Shed It/摆脱
If the first phase of a life transition is focused on saying goodbye to a past that is not coming back, the second phase, “the messy middle,” is concentrated on settling in and adjusting to the new reality. The first step in that process involves giving up old ways.
人生转变的第一个阶段重点是向无法重回的过去道别，第二阶段“混乱的中段”关注的则是适应新的现实并做出相应调整。这个过程的第一步就是放弃旧有方法。
For working dads, this step means freeing yourself from expectations about your own identity, your relationship with your partner, even your job. A comprehensive study by two scholars in Brazil found that fathers in transition must learn to adjust in four key areas: (1) the father with himself; (2) the father with the mother and the baby; (3) the father with their support network; and (4) the father with his work.
对于上班族爸爸而言，这一步意味着让自己从对自己身份的期望、与伴侣的关系乃至自己的工作中解放出来。巴西两位学者的综合研究发现，处于过渡期的父亲必须学习在四个关键领域进行调整：一、作为父亲的自己；二、父亲与母亲和孩子；三、父亲与他们的支持网络；四、父亲与他们的工作。
The key finding: Fathers must not over-rely on their own fathers as role models, because previous generations of men were less focused on childrearing and balancing work and family. Instead, new fathers must shed these outdated expectations and turn instead to fathers of their own generation who are forging a new set of expectations, habits, and priorities.
重要发现：父亲不能将自己的父亲作为模板过度参考，因为上一代男性不甚关注育儿和工作家庭平衡。现在的新手爸爸必须摆脱过时的期望，关注当代父亲的新期望、习惯和事务优先顺序。
Your role model as a working father is more likely to be a colleague or a friend — seek one out.
作为上班族父亲，你参考的典范可以是某位同事或某个朋友——给自己找一个参考。
Create It / 创造
So what does this new generation of dads want?
新一代父亲想要的是什么？
The answer to that question may be the most exciting aspect of the working-dad transition. Dads today want a culture, both at home and at work, that embraces hands-on fatherhood. This desire reflects my own research into life transitions, when after saying goodbye to the past and shedding outdated patterns, people in the messy middle turn to astonishing acts of creativity.
这个问题的答案或许是上班族父亲的转变中最令人兴奋的地方。现在的爸爸们想要的是一种家庭和职场都乐于接受父亲育儿的文化。我的相关研究表明了这种渴望：告别了过去、摆脱了过时的模式之后，处于混乱的中间阶段的人会转向惊人的创意之举。
In the case of working dads, that means creating new habits at home, from bonding with your baby to coordinating with your partner about what parts of childcare you’ll take the lead on. It also means creating a new culture at work that embraces working dads. Make no mistake: Most dads enjoy returning to work. Yet research shows that 98% of them fear losing contact with their babies.
体现在上班族爸爸身上，就是在家里培养新的习惯，与新生儿建立联系，与伴侣协调分工。还要在职场建立乐于接受上班族爸爸的新文化。毫无疑问，大部分父亲乐意回去工作，但研究表明，其中98%的人感到与宝宝失去了联系。
How new dads avoid that fate is by embracing new schedules and new ways of working. More than 75% of dads use flextime when available, 57% work from home at least some of the time (a number that will surely grow as working from home becomes even more prevalent in the wake of the coronavirus pandemic), and 27% use compressed workweeks.
要避免这种情况，新手爸爸要换用新的工作方式和日程安排。75%的父亲尽量利用弹性工作制，57%至少部分时间居家办公（疫情后居家办公会更普遍，这个数字无疑还会增加），27%选择压缩工作周。
If you’re a new dad and a manager, take advantage of these programs as a way of helping to normalize and routinize these accommodations and forge a new culture of fatherhood for future generations. As the researchers from Boston College put it: “Offering fathers (and all employees) the time to attend to their personal needs does not offer employees permission to ‘slack off.’ What it does do is permit them to be more focused and energized when they are working.”
如果你是一名管理者，最近当了爸爸，可以利用这类制度辅助育儿，使得这样的安排常态化、惯例化，以便未来形成新的父亲育儿文化。如波士顿学院的研究者所言，“为父亲（以及全体员工）提供用于满足个人需求的时间，并不是允许员工‘偷懒’，而是让他们在工作的时候更加集中精力。”
Tell It / 讲述
The final phase of a life transition is the “new beginning”; it’s the one that arrives at a critical time, when the elation of new fatherhood has passed and the reality of being a dad settles in. The most important skill in this stage: updating the story of your life to include the new chapter of fatherhood.
最后一个阶段是“新的开始”。初为人父的兴奋过去，自己身为父亲的事实变得清晰，这时就进入了这个阶段。这一阶段最重要的是，把新的篇章加进自己的人生故事里。
A life transition is fundamentally a narrative event in which we revisit and update our life story to accommodate a critical change. In this case, becoming a new dad is not just a temporary transition, but a permanent one. And it’s not one that ends after a few months, but gets repeated over and over, as a child enters new phases and brings out new responsibilities, as future children come along and tax routines that were already hard won, as new responsibilities accrue at work and pull fathers away from family milestones, and as growing families require big moves, big purchases, and big challenges.
人生的转变从根本上来讲是一个叙述事件，我们要重新讨论和更新自己的人生故事，将某一重要转变纳入其中。成为父亲这一转变不是临时的，而是永久的。这个过程不会持续几个月就结束，而是会反反复复：孩子进入新的阶段、带来新的责任，未来又有孩子出生、让原本就左支右绌的日常生活更加摇摇欲坠，工作方面新的责任迫使父亲疏于家庭事务，大家庭要牵扯的杂事多、要买的东西多、麻烦也很多。
Life transitions are a lifetime sport, and fatherhood just may be the excuse you’ve long needed to start learning how to play it. But once you do, you’ll find that the skills you master are applicable across your life. They can help you turn times that at first seemed overwhelming into times that are filled with affection, wonder, and discovery.
人生转变是一生的运动，当父亲可能就是你开始学习这项运动的契机。一旦开始，你会发现从中获得的技能一生都能派上用场，帮助你将看似一团乱麻、毫无章法的时期变得充满情感、惊奇和新发现。
关键词：职场
本文摘自“HBR职场父母系列丛书”之《给职场爸爸的建议》
朔间|译 周强|编校
