【中英双语】不做垃圾桶，远离职场负能量
Managing a Chronic Complainer
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莉萨实在受不了了。她在一家大型零售连锁企业工作，每次碰到高管彼得，彼得就会喋喋不休地抱怨自己的工作、政府和生活。听了彼得的抱怨，她很快就会出现幽闭恐惧症状。莉萨想让彼得从积极的方向想事情，却无济于事，他会自己绕回消极面。这样一直发牢骚，对包括他自己在内的每个人都有负面影响。
Lisa couldn’t stand it any longer. Every time she met her colleague Peter, one of the senior executives at the large retail chain where they both worked, he would begin an endless lament about his work, the government, and his personal life. After listening to Peter’s moaning, it didn’t take long before she experienced a claustrophobic reaction. It didn’t help that whenever Lisa tried to reframe Peter’s situation more positively, he would revert back to his negativity. Peter’s constant grumbling, whining, and lamenting was toxic for everyone, himself included.
造成的损害
The Damage Done
研究表明，像彼得这样经常抱怨，会造成生理影响。重复负面、悲伤、愤怒和无力的感情，会让大脑中的神经递质“改变”，强化负面思维模式，让负面情绪更容易反复，给感激、欣赏和幸福等积极情绪留下的空间更少。不断循环负面思维，甚至可能会对大脑中用于解决问题和认知技能的海马体造成损害。久而久之，抱怨的人就会对消极情绪上了瘾。
Research shows that chronic complaining like Peter’s has physiological effects. Through the repetition of bad, sad, mad and powerless feelings, the neurotransmitters in the brain can go through a neural “rewiring,” which reinforces negative thought patterns, making it easier for unhappy thoughts to repeat themselves and leaving little room for the more positive feelings of gratitude, appreciation, and well-being. A continuous cycle of negative thoughts may even cause damage to the hippocampus, the part of the brain used for problem solving and cognitive functioning. Over time, complainers become negativity addicts, attracted to the drama that comes with a complaining attitude.
他们还倾向于非黑即白的思维。妥协不在他们考虑的范围内。彼得这样经常抱怨的人，更容易看到问题而非解决方案，因此很难共事。因为消极，他们很难做出决策和解决问题。况且抱怨还会催生更多能抱怨的事情。
They are also prone to black-and-white thinking. Compromise isn’t part of the equation. No wonder that chronic complainers like Peter are more likely to see problems instead of solutions, making it very difficult to work with them. Given their negativity, it is hard for them to make decisions and solve problems. Ironically, complaining about things creates more things to complain about.
经常抱怨的人还会对周围的人产生负面影响。在以负面悲观的方式进行思考并作出反应的时候，人会下意识地将自己的感受转移到他人身上，这种现象在心理学中叫作“投射性认同”。他们就像是把别人当作负面情绪垃圾桶一样，令对方感到不堪重负。
Chronic complainers also have a damaging effect on those around them. When people are thinking and reacting in negative and pessimistic ways, without realizing it, they transfer these feelings onto others in a process psychologists call “projective identification.” It is as if they use other people as some kind of garbage can for their negativity, making these others feel weighed down and exhausted.
有趣的是，这种“转移”很可能是源于进化。一些神经科学家表示，人类大脑中的镜像神经元，对于生存至关重要。作为社会动物，人的大脑会无意识地模仿周围人的情绪，这一点在遇到危险时是一个优势，也可以产生社会凝聚力。但神经镜像还有不利的一面。抱怨一切的人有传染性，会让其他人在不知不觉间也开始抱怨。
Interestingly, it is very likely that this kind of “transfer” is part of our evolutionary makeup. Some neuroscientists have suggested that human beings possess what are called mirror neurons in their brain that are important for survival. As social beings, our brains unconsciously mimic the moods of the people around us, which can be an advantage when we are faced with danger. It can also serve as a form of social cohesion. This neuronal mirroring, however, has a flip side. People who complain about everything become contagious and, before we realize it, we turn into complainers ourselves.
为什么抱怨？
Why Complain?
抱怨也有好处。偶尔对一名同事抱怨自己的艰难处境，令我们得以宣泄自己的忧虑，缓解可能的压力反应。压抑情绪可能会阻碍我们寻找问题本身，因而无法摆脱。人也会为了让自己感觉好一些而抱怨。比如前面说的彼得，他也许是希望莉萨认可自己的处境的确不公平，好建立某种程度上的情感联系。
Complaining isn’t all bad. Occasional venting and expression of negative emotions to a colleague about difficult situations allow us to get our concerns out into the open, and in doing so, lessen possible stress reactions. Repressing our feelings may stop us from naming our problem and getting to the bottom of it. People also complain in order to feel better about themselves. Returning to Peter, perhaps he wanted Lisa’s validation for how unfair or annoying his situation was and to establish some kind of emotional connection.
但抱怨也可能被用作行使权力、影响认知的手段。特别是在充斥政治斗争的组织内部，人们会用抱怨来争取其他人的支持。从这个角度理解，彼得可能是想拉拢莉萨，让莉萨跟自己一样觉得公司里有些人做得不对。
But complaints can also be used as a way to exercise power and influence perceptions. Especially within organizations, which can be hotbeds of political games, people use complaining in order to get people’s support. On this interpretation, Peter might have been trying to recruit Lisa to his point of view concerning what he thought was wrong with some of the people in their organization.
在许多情况下，长期的抱怨始于童年时期，作为一种在家里获得关注、营造和睦氛围的手段。这样的童年经历可能会形成根深蒂固的行为模式，比如彼得，抱怨可能已经成为他身份认知的一部分。这可以解释他为什么不理会他人的正面建议：因为解决他的问题相当于消除抱怨的理由，会威胁他的自我认同感。
In many cases, chronic complaining starts early in life, as a means of gaining visibility and establishing rapport in the family. These early experiences can become deeply ingrained patterns of behavior, and in Peter’s case, may have become part of his identity. This would explain why he reacts poorly to advice because resolving his problem would take away the reason to complain, threatening his sense of self.
应对经常抱怨的人
Managing a Complainer
尝试帮助这种人往往无济于事。彼得很可能只会继续沉浸在负面情绪里，不去寻找解决方案。这就是经常抱怨的人容易令人气恼的原因。
Attempts to help chronic complainers often have little or no effect. Most likely, Peter would continue to be absorbed on the downsides of his situation, rather than seek solutions. It’s what makes dealing with these chronic complainers so exasperating.
更好的方法是，首先划定界限。莉萨应当告诉彼得，自己可以倾听和交流，但不会参与重复的话题。翻来覆去讲同一件事情对谁都没有好处。莉萨应该说明，她知道他感觉很糟糕，但他一直抱怨让组织里每个人都心烦。她要说清楚，每个人都会偶尔抱怨，但大部分人都适可而止，而且抱怨的方式也有好坏之分。如果觉得可以推动切实积极的改变，抱怨就能发挥作用，而彼得的抱怨方式毫无意义。
It’s better to begin by setting clear boundaries. Lisa should tell Peter that she is prepared to listen and to talk, but not to engage in a repetitive conversation. Going over the same thing over and over again isn’t doing either of them a service. She should tell him that while she recognizes that he feels bad, his constant complaining is upsetting everyone in the organization. She should acknowledge that everyone complains at some point, but also point out that most people do so in moderation and that there is a right and a wrong way to complain. Complaining is useful in situations where he thinks that he could affect real and positive change but to complain the way he does is not constructive.
其次，莉萨要向彼得说明，如果换个角度，感觉会好很多。有针对性地积极行动，会让他克服消极情绪。有时间对一切糟糕的事情发牢骚，不如用这个时间采取改进措施。抱怨的目的应该是纠正和解决问题，不是赢取别人的同情。
Next, Lisa should make clear to Peter that he would be much better off if he adjusted his perspective. Purposeful complaining — taking a proactive stand — will give him a roadmap to transcend his negativity. After all, if he has the time to whine and complain about all the bad things happening to him, then he should also make the time to do something about it. He should be complaining in order to fix and solve something, not just to win sympathy.
莉萨也可以建议彼得学习感恩。想要抱怨的时候就转移注意力，想一想自己遇到的值得感激的事。这样可以帮助他改善情绪，增加活力，减少焦虑。当然，这种行为上的转变需要花费一定的时间，不过在此过程中可以向精神治疗师求助，在专业人士帮助下探索自己容易陷入受害者心理的倾向、一直寻求他人认可的原因，以及在想要抱怨时寻找替代反应的方法。
Lisa could also suggest that Peter cultivate an attitude of gratitude. Whenever he feels the urge to complain, he should see this as a red flag to shift his attention from complaining to counting his blessings. In doing so, he might find that his mood improved; he might have more energy and feel less anxious. Of course, creating such a behavior change takes time. But he could get help on the journey from a coach or psychotherapist, who could work with him to explore his tendency to fall into victimhood, why he constantly seeks validation from others, and how to work on alternative responses when he experiences the need to complain.
经常抱怨的人表面上似乎无害，但会对身边的同事和自己产生负面影响，必须调整行为。人们总会对他人的负面情绪感到厌倦。彼得必须意识到，嘎吱作响的轮子并不总是能被上好润滑油，还有可能被换掉。
While chronic complainers appear to be harmless on the surface, they owe it to their colleagues and themselves to regulate their behavior. Eventually people will tire of the negativity. Peter needs to realize that the squeaky wheel doesn’t always get the grease. It can also be replaced.
曼弗雷德·凯兹·德弗里斯是资深导师、心理分析家和管理学者，INSEAD领导力发展和组织变革杰出教授。
朔间 | 译 周强 | 编校
